


It's Accrual World

by Book_Squirrel



Series: The Family Business [2]
Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Crack, F/M, Fluff, Resurrection Coffee, family nonsense
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-20
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 19:22:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 43
Words: 62,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22810927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Book_Squirrel/pseuds/Book_Squirrel
Summary: Hawkmoth has been defeated but an even greater opponent has reared its three heads: Le Bac, university applications, and passing the driving test. Amidst all of this, everyone does their best to keep the GabeNath twins from destroying Paris while Plagg 'babysits'.Set 2 years after the main events of 'She Can't Head the Family Business If She's Not Family'.
Relationships: Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir/Marinette Dupain-Cheng | Ladybug, Gabriel Agreste | Papillon | Hawk Moth/Nathalie Sancoeur, Luka Couffaine/Kagami Tsurugi, Penny Rolling/Jagged Stone
Series: The Family Business [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1608511
Comments: 622
Kudos: 443





	1. More Espresso, Less Depresso

**Author's Note:**

> Once again, not sure where we're going other than both Agreste men try their hands at match making and Lukagami and Rolling Stone should be reality by the end.

The espresso machine gave three ticks before exploding.

Parts flew everywhere, and steam hissed into the air. Half of the machine fell to the floor with a crash worthy of waking the entire household.

Adrien stared at the smoking remains, hands gripped in his blond hair.

Plagg’s whiskers twitched. ‘Well, that’s one way to start morning.’

‘I can’t believe it.’ Adrien pulled on his hair. ‘Nathalie’s going to kill me!’

A metal piece shot off and pinged around the kitchen.

Boy and Kwami ducked and covered behind the island. 

‘Would it help if I said this is completely unrelated to your Chat Noir luck?’ said Plagg as steam filled the air overhead.

Adrien whimpered and looked at the three shots of espresso in his mug. ‘I’m three short.’

‘This is the universe telling you and Nathalie both to cut back.’

‘But why today of all days?’ He banged his head against the island’s cupboard. ‘And I told Marinette I’d share with her!’

They jumped at the sound of heels in the corridor.

Nathalie rounded the corner, her _I’m sorry for what I said during tax season_ mug in hand. Her shoulders slumped on seeing the disaster in the kitchen. ‘Really?’

Adrien slowly stood up, back and knees popping with the motion. ‘I didn’t do it.’

She tried and failed to raise an eyebrow at him. ‘Then why do you have coffee grounds all over you?’

‘Father probably messed with it last night.’ Adrien grabbed a towel and dabbed at the grounds on his shirt.

‘Two problems with that: He’s terrified of that machine.’

‘And?’

‘And you can’t blame him for everything that goes wrong.’ Nathalie set her mug on the counter and looked over the remains of the machine. ‘Just most things.’ She turned a piece over in her hand. ‘How did this even happen? It’s like someone wired it with C4.’

‘How do you know what C4 looks like?’

‘With all the action films you watch, how do you not?’ Nathalie set the remains of the motor down and rubbed her eyes. 

‘Are the twins up yet?’

She shook her head. ‘I was hoping to leave early.’ She eyed the three shots in his mug and the can of Monster lying on its side on the counter. 

Adrien flushed. ‘Marinette asked for some.’

‘Right.’ Nathalie straightened her shoulders. ‘Change your shirt and grab your school things. We’ll go to the bakery for breakfast.’

Adrien’s face lit up. ‘All right!’

He ran upstairs, shedding coffee grounds in his wake.

Phantom slept on the bed, her legs tucked under her in a perfect loaf. One ear swivelled as he slammed the door open.

Adrien planted a kiss on the long-haired cat’s head.

She purred as he scratched her chin. 

Plagg phased through Adrien’s shirt. ‘Blech! Coffee may smell fine and dandy, but that was way too much!’

Adrien pulled on a new shirt and sniffed. ‘Still smells better than Camembert.’

‘Hey!’

Phantom squeezed her eyes shut and adjusted her position.

Adrien shoved his feet into his shoes without tying the laces and grabbed his bag and jacket. ‘Let’s do this.’ 

Plagg groaned and hid under Adrien’s green flannel shirt.

Sabine hummed as she pulled the chilled croissant dough from the industrial sized refrigerator.

On the other side of the kitchen, Tom punched down a batch of rising dough. He dumped the contents onto a floured surface for its last round of kneading.

A rapping sounded on the front door.

Sabine gave Tom a sharp look. ‘We’re not open yet.’

He gave her a guilty look. ‘But what if it’s someone who’s starving?’

‘They can wait until we open in—’ She checked the clock. ‘In thirty-five minutes.’

Tom’s phone rang. He wiped his hands on his apron and read the text message. ‘It’s Adrien.’

‘Oh! That’s completely different!’ Sabine set the tray back in in the refrigerator. ‘He can wake Marinette up for us.’

She bustled off the front door.

Adrien and Nathalie looked miserable on the other side of the glass door. Rain streamed off the umbrella, splashing them up to the knees.

Sabine smothered a laugh and opened the door. ‘Adrien! Nathalie! What brings you here so early?’

‘The espresso machine exploded,’ said Adrien.

Nathalie went straight to the bakery’s espresso machine and inhaled deeply. Her shoulders visibly relaxed.

‘Don’t worry, dear,’ said Sabine, patting his shoulder. ‘You came to the right place. Go ahead and make your coffee.’

He beamed at her. ‘And then wake Marinette up?’

‘Please and thank you. The first batch of pastries will be out in twenty minutes.’

‘You’re the best future mother-in-law a kid could ask for!’ Adrien hugged her and skipped over to the espresso machine.

Nathalie pulled two cans of Monster from her bag and slammed them on the counter.

Adrien turned on the machine and pulled out espresso cups. ‘Two servings of Resurrection Coffee coming right up!’ 

Lightning flashed as the bell over the door jingled. Thunder rolled as a figure in a red trench coat and broad brimmed hat stepped inside.

‘Morning, Kagami,’ said Adrien.

Kagami removed her hat and shook her hair out. ‘My apologies, Mrs Cheng. I know it’s early, but I have an exam that I need to finish studying for.’

Adrien grinned and said, ‘You mean stay awake through?’

She narrowed her eyes at him.

‘Not a problem at all,’ said Sabine. ‘You’re in good company today.’

Adrien pressed the espresso grounds into the portafilter. ‘Most of the exams are happening today.’

‘What’s her excuse?’ said Kagami, nodding at Nathalie.

‘I’m meeting with a government auditing team.’ Nathalie studied the can in her hand. ‘I’m so tempted to drink this straight.’

Kagami hung up her coat and hat. ‘Suddenly exams for le Bac don’t seem so terrifying.’

Tom stuck his head out of the kitchen. ‘How hungry is everyone? We can whip up a batch of crêpes if you can’t wait for the croissants.’

‘Just coffee for now, thanks,’ said Adrien, pouring two shots of espresso into Nathalie’s cup. 

‘How about I take over the coffee and you go wake up Marinette?’ said Nathalie.

Adrien checked his watch. ‘Seventeen more minutes. We agreed at the beginning of the school year to not contact each other before six.’

Sabine clicked her tongue. ‘Go wake her up. She can handle it.’

‘Yes, but can I handle it?’

Three eyebrows rose in answer.

‘Uh-huh,’ he chuckled and rubbed the back of his neck. ‘I think I’ll go wake up Marinette.’ He went to the door, crossed himself, and ran up the stairs.

Kagami waited for the upstairs apartment door to close before saying, ‘Isn’t it a little early to be this dramatic?’

‘The morning started with the espresso machine exploding.’ Nathalie banged the portafilter against the container for the grounds. ‘It’s just one of those days.’

Sabine said, ‘Kagami, dear, do you need espresso or will coffee from the press work?’

‘The press is fine,’ said Kagami with a relaxed smile. ‘Is there anything I can help with?’

‘Not at this point—oh, for goodness’ sake!’ Sabine threw her arms in the air.

A flash of something black scurried behind the counter.

‘Tom! We have a mouse!’


	2. A Body at Rest Stays at Rest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Starry_Sky12 has blessed us with a rendering of Kagami in the red coat of power! I hope the link works: https://www.instagram.com/p/B80LdWlHlMu/?igshid=1taq3okc5zpc8

Adrien pushed the trap door open and studied the lay of the bedroom.

On the far wall, Marinette had swapped her bunkbed out for a lower full-sized bed. A ladder reaching to the balcony doubled as a bookcase.

He smelled Plagg’s cheesy presence. ‘Did they see you?’

‘What? I—Why? Yeah, Sabine thinks I’m another mouse.’

Adrien gave him a disappointed look.

Plagg shook his head. ‘You look more like Nathalie every time you do that.’

‘Aw! That might be the kindest thing you’ve ever said to me!’

‘I worry for the world sometimes.’

‘That may be the first time you’ve ever shown concern for anyone besides yourself.’

‘If you’re going to be rude, I’ll just leave.’

‘Fine by me! Now go find Tikki and let Marinette and me have a few minutes alone.’

The Kwami gagged and floated over to Marinette’s computer station.

Adrien crawled across the floor and over to his girlfriend’s bed. He poked his head over the side of the mattress. ‘Morning, Princess.’

She squinted at him and rolled over, snuggling deeper into her blankets.

‘Wakey-wakey!’ He rested his arms on the bed. ‘We have coffee and fresh goodies downstairs.’

‘Turn off the light when you leave,’ she mumbled, tucking her chin beneath the duvet.

‘But we have exams today. Kagami’s here for her morning power-up’

‘Good.’ Marinette pulled the duvet up further. ‘You can talk to her.’

Adrien leaned in closer and smoothed the hair from her face. ‘Please? I’ll give you five minutes of cuddling.’

‘Ten.’

‘Deal.’ He kicked his shoes off.

Marinette relaxed her hold on the blanket, and Adrien climbed in next to her. ‘You’re warm.’

‘And you’re cold.’ She rubbed her face against his shirt and curled around him with a contented sigh, her nose pressed into the back of his neck.

Early morning traffic rumbled outside. Muffled squeaks came from Tikki’s nest on the computer desk.

Adrien felt Marinette’s breathing grow even. He watched the numbers on the clock as the minutes ticked by.

‘Marinette!’ Sabine pushed open the trap door. ‘Adrien, I thought I told you to wake her up.’

‘I’m afraid your daughter seduced me with her wicked charm—yikes!’ He yelped as Marinette shoved him off the bed.

Marinette sat up and gave him a sleepy and disappointed look.

Adrien rubbed his elbow, glaring at her from his position on the floor.

Sabine chuckled. ‘Marinette, are you awake now?’

‘Nope.’ Marinette rubbed her eyes and rolled off the bed. She walked past her boyfriend and grabbed her dressing gown. ‘I’ll be downstairs soon.’

‘See you there.’ Sabine planted a kiss on her daughter’s head and turned to Adrien. ‘Put your shoes on. We need some help.’

‘Yes, ma’am.’ Adrien’s ears were flaming. ‘How long—?’

‘Kagami is on her third cup of coffee, and Nathalie left a mug of Resurrection Coffee for you and Marinette to share. She said to call your bodyguard for a ride to school.’

Adrien wrinkled his nose. ‘That means driving in morning traffic.’

‘It’s good for you.’

‘Urgh. Why do you have to be such an amazing parent?’

Sabine chuckled. ‘It’s adorable when you try to complain about your family.’

He grinned and finished tying his shoelaces. ‘All right, what do you need help with?’

By the time Marinette joined the Land of the Living, Adrien had carried ten bags of sugar and flour and twenty dozen eggs from the delivery truck to the kitchen.

He was carrying in the last bag when he saw Marinette sitting at a table with Kagami, calming sipping Resurrection Coffee.

‘No!’ He dropped the bag on the floor and vaulted over the counter. ‘Mine!’

Marinette held out a hand and pressed her finger against his nose. ‘Share, Kitty.’

Kagami chuckled into her own mug.

Adrien whined. ‘Nathalie left that for me.’

‘Are you sure?’ Marinette held out her phone, displaying a text from Nathalie concerning the distribution of the coffee.

‘You could duel for it,’ said Kagami.

Sabine set a plate of croissants on the table. ‘Or they could share like the young adults they are.’

From the kitchen, Tom yelled, ‘Or they could not drink it at all!’

Adrien said, ‘Has he been talking with my father about this?’

‘Dads do gossip,’ said Marinette.

‘Frequently,’ muttered Sabine.

The girls laughed.

Marinette handed the coffee to Adrien.

‘Bless you, child.’ He started chugging.

‘No!’ Marinette shrieked.

The bell over the door jingled, and several regulars came in.

‘I guess it’s six,’ said Sabine. ‘Why don’t you take everything upstairs, children? Tom and I can handle it from here.’

She ruffled Adrien’s hair. ‘And thank you for your help with the delivery. Tom won’t admit it but his back isn’t the same anymore.’

‘I understand. Father put his back out giving Ciana a piggy back ride the other day.’

‘Men.’ Sabine clicked her tongue but her smile was fond.

‘How are the twins?’ said Kagami.

Adrien said, ‘Growing like weeds and getting into everything. We had to put a second set of babyproof locks on all the bathroom cabinets. Father threatened to put a biometric lock on the front door once they learn to operate doorknobs.’

Marinette said, ‘They’re on their fourth nanny, if that tells you what you need to know.’

‘I blame Ciana,’ said Adrien. ‘She just makes Béatrice look like the instigator.’

Kagami grinned. ‘You’re going to have fun once they’re able to talk.’

Her smart watch chirped a reminder.

‘Thank you for the coffee and the chat.’ Kagami collected her belongings and kissed Adrien’s cheeks. ‘I will see you at fencing practice.’

Marinette leaned in for her own cheek kisses. ‘And I’ll see you at Coffee Hour on Saturday.’

‘You’re going to have to fight my mother.’

Marinette flashed her teeth. ‘Same old same old.’ 

Kagami grinned and tipped the brim of her hat. ‘I’ll see you then.’

As the fencer turned, the door flew open, knocking her into the table.

‘Sorry!’ The patron removed his motorcycle helmet to reveal blue hair and eyeliner which had no right to look so perfect at this hour of the morning.

‘Morning, Luka,’ said Adrien, a hand sliding around Marinette’s waist. The other gripped his coffee. 

‘Morning!’ Luka extended a hand to Kagami. ‘I’m really sorry about that.’

Kagami took the offered hand. ‘Thank you for the apology.’ She rubbed her ribs where they had struck the table and chair. ‘I didn’t recognise you without your guitar.’

Luka laughed. ‘Sounds about right.’

The smart watch chirped again.

Kagami set her hat on her head again. ‘Until next time, Luka.’

She walked through the pouring rain and climbed into the waiting car.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The good news: Marinette has outgrown her caffeine sensitivity! We can blame Nathalie and school.


	3. Just Another Morning in the Agreste Household

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Language translations now have footnotes! *growls in under-caffeinated higher education*

The delicate beams of an early spring sun broke through the storm clouds. Birds left the shelter of their nests and began their morning songs anew. Bees buzzed from their hives and floated on the morning breeze, seeking out the newly freshened flowers.

In a white mansion in the middle of Paris, a long-haired black cat slept on the generous bed with a heavy duvet. Even if Her Boy had left especially early this morning, it was still one of her favourite spots to sleep.

Eyes still closed, one of the cat’s ears swivelled towards the door. Her golden eyes opened and she immediately trotted along the length of the bed before jumping to the floor.

The Boy had left the door cracked open when he left at an especially ungodly hour. Phantom—no longer the half-starved kitten of six weeks but a magnificent specimen with the plushest of coats and a plumed tail nearly the length of her body—pushed her nose through the crack and trotted along the corridor to the master suite.

She paused and listened before pushing her way through the door which had also been left open a crack.

Phantom went straight to the side of the bed, calculated the jump, and sprang.

The one Her Boy called ‘Father’—one of her favourite people since he let her sleep on his workstation—grunted as she landed on his chest.

A perfect hit! As always. Plagg had been most careful in his tutelage.

Phantom ignored the grunt and trotted over him to the other side of the bed. She sat next to the pillow where the one called Nathalie was supposed to sleep.

She gave a long meow of disappointment. As with so often recently, Nathalie had been gone even before the Kittens had been able to wake up.

As she meowed for Her Kittens’ Milk Provider, her tail thumped against Gabriel’s face.

‘Enough!’ Gabriel pushed the fluffy tail from his face and sat up.

The cat prided herself on figuring out that limiting his supply of oxygen was a guaranteed means of immediate attention. Once he was awake, he would finish the process of procuring sustenance for the Kittens.

And all before the Kittens had woken up enough to properly cry.

Gabriel scooped Phantom up and held him to his chest. ‘I know,’ he scratched her chin. ‘I miss her, too.’

A wail cut through the monitor on the iPad.

‘Pre-emptive as always.’ He shoved his feet into slippers and carried Phantom down the corridor to the former Blue Room and the current nursery.

Halfway down the corridor, Gabriel’s phone rang.

Phantom growled deep in her throat.

Béatrice’s wail joined Ciana’s.

‘Just a minute!’ he called to the nursery as he back-tracked to the master bedroom.

Phantom jumped out of his arms and ran for the nursery. Her Kittens needed her!

Gabriel grabbed his phone from its charging station. ‘Gabriel.’

‘My apologies for calling so early, Mr Agreste,’ said Finley, her voice almost as high as when she had first started working as his personal assistant. ‘I received an email from Ms Ells.’

He sighed and ran a hand through his hair, making it stand on end. ‘Another letter of resignation?’

‘Yes, sir,’ she whispered.

From the nursery, the twins’ wails mellowed into whimpers and whines, temporarily appeased by Phantom’s presence.

Gabriel collected his dressing gown. ‘You know the drill.’

‘Madame Ochoa will care for the twins and household until we find a new nanny?’

He grimaced. ‘Exactly that.’ He pressed the red button and immediately dialled his grandmother-in-law.

Abuela—Señora Ochoa to the rest of the world—picked up on the first ring. ‘The nanny quit already?’

‘Are you paying them off?’

‘Don’t be ridiculous.’ She cooed at something, most likely a new type of violet based on the sound of a spray bottle. ‘It’s barely past seven, and you don’t sound anywhere near panicked enough for it to be a medical emergency.’

The bars of a crib rattled. Something metallic shrieked.

Gabriel ran to the nursery, fear knotting in his stomach.

Béatrice had one leg over the railing of her crib, her pale blonde hair sticking up in all directions. On seeing her father, she had the grace to look guilty.

In the facing crib, Ciana held the bars and jumped. Phantom dug her claws into the mattress, not at all thrilled with the ride.

Ciana laughed harder, her dark hair vibrating in the air.

Gabriel picked up Béatrice, bouncing her gently.

She snuggled against his chest and blew bubbles.

Into the phone, he said, ‘When can I expect you?’

‘You can last all day with your own two children.’

Béatrice reached for the phone. ‘La! La!’

Gabriel wrenched the phone away. ‘Not when under deadline.’

‘La!’ screamed Béatrice.

‘Put the sweetheart on.’

Gabriel grumbled, ‘They’re only sweethearts for you.’ But he held the phone up to Béatrice’s ear. ‘Say good morning to Abuela.’

‘La!’

‘ _Buenos dias, mijita!_ ’ cooed Abuela. ‘ _Te amo!_ Tell Papa I’ll be there in an hour.’[1] She laughed before hanging up.

Ciana perfectly echoed her great-grandmother’s laugh and sat down hard.

Phantom took it as an invitation to start the Kitten’s morning bath.

‘None of that.’ Gabriel picked up Ciana, carefully balancing the squirming children.

‘La?’ said Ciana, blinking her pale blue eyes.

‘Yes, Abuela will be here soon.’

She grinned at her father and made the sign for ‘eat’.

‘Yes, we’ll get breakfast. Come along, Phantom!’

Phantom jumped out of the crib and onto the floor.

The supplies on the changing table and the toys on the bookshelf rattled. Pictures were knocked crooked.

The twins laughed and clapped, squirming in their father’s grip to get a better view of their second favourite chew toy. The first, obviously, was Plagg, the best chewing toy a toddler could ask for.

On reaching the foyer, Gabriel gave his customary sigh of relief. The likelihood of falling while holding one or both of his children (or worse, dropping one of them) while on the marble stairs was a constant worry. ‘We’ve survived for yet another day.’

Béatrice reached up and smacked his nose, leaving a pattern of tiny fingerprints on his glasses.

‘It’s a good thing you’re so cute.’ He rubbed his nose against hers. 

Before he could do the same to Ciana, she had wriggled out of his arms and half-slid down his leg. She had the been the first to walk and still liked to challenge her older sister by showing off.

Béatrice said something in their twin language.

Gabriel set her down more carefully than her sister.

Phantom paused mid-lick and stared at the twins.

Ciana squealed, and the cat sprinted for the safety of the office.

A glance at the clock confirmed Abuela’s ETA in fifty-three minutes.

Gabriel sighed. ‘Just another day.’ He tightened the sash on his robe and chased after the children before they pushed Phantom too far, leaving him to explain scratches and bite marks to Nathalie in the evening.

[1] ‘Good morning, little one!’ cooed Abuela. ‘I love you!’


	4. Spring Fluff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *throws out fluff from depths of family and work drama while also trying to complete PhD application nonsense*

As soon as the video conference was over, Gabriel went straight to the home atelier. He pulled a chair over to the patch of sunlight streaming through the full-sized windows of the atelier and sat, tablet and stylus in hand.

Outside in the back garden, Abuela monitored the girls playing on the back patio. A broad-brimmed hat shielded her face as she checked the gardeners’ efforts.

He pulled up a new page on the tablet and started sketching. The Spring and Easter fashions were long finished and shown, but something custom for his children—something to be photographed in when Abuela bullied any family within a 300-kilometre radius to Easter mass—would be the perfect activity for relaxing.

Ciana laughed. ‘ _Cha_!’ 

Gabriel looked up and immediately dropped his stylus.

Phantom strolled through a side door and across the patio. Her tail stood up straight, a banner announcing the resident queen. Her ears and whiskers twitched at the sounds and smells of freshly washed Paris.

Béatrice climbed off from the child-sized fire truck and pet Phantom.

The cat jumped onto the riding toy and meowed.

‘ _Cuidado,_ Béatrice.[1]’ Abuela looked up from her work before continuing with extracting near-invisible weeds. 

Béatrice pushed the cat around the patio. Even when she pushed it from the patio and onto a garden path, the cat remained fixed to the toy, clearly enjoying the ride.

Gabriel grabbed his stylus and captured the look of pure joy on Béatrice’s face. He regretted bringing the tablet instead of a sketch pad.

Next time.

He looked up just in time to watch Ciana push her sister to the ground and yank the toy away.

Phantom immediately jumped down and disappeared into the bushes.

Gabriel had the door open by the time Béatrice recovered from the shock and started wailing. ‘Ciana!’

She scowled at him before running across the lawn as fast as her short legs could carry her.

Gabriel was still unaccustomed to seeing his own scowl with dark eyebrows. But he was getting better. This time, it only took half a dozen steps to catch her.

‘No!’ She tried to squirm away.

‘I refuse to loose a miniature version of myself on the future world,’ he said firmly. ‘You’re going to apologise to your sister and learn to share.’

‘No!’

Sometimes—sometimes—Gabriel missed raising one child at a time. On the other hand, God only knew what horrors the world would face if his and Nathalie’s progeny grew up as an only child (for all practical intents and purposes).

By the time they reached the patio again, Béatrice’ sobs were a thing of distant memory as she snuggled against Abuela.

Gabriel crouched by the two, his youngest balanced on his knee. ‘Ciana.’

She tucked her chin coyly and batted her blue eyes at him.

‘That only works on Adrien,’ said Gabriel.

Abuela snorted. ‘Only when he’s relaxed.’

Gabriel swallowed a chuckle. Now was the time for discipline. ‘Ciana, say “I’m sorry” to Béatrice.’

Ciana’s lower lip trembled, her eyes welling with tears.

Béatrice slipped out of Abuela’s arms and hugged her sister.

‘They’re so good for each other,’ said Abuela.

Béatrice immediately shoved her sister to the ground.

Ciana shouted in their twin language.

The adults separated the girls before their quarrel could escalate.

‘Like I said,’ said Abuela, a squirming Béatrice tucked under her arm, ‘they’re excellent for each other.’ Her eyes twinkled and lips twitched before she said, ‘I look forward to hearing about the trip from Paris to Zarautz.’

Gabriel gave her a pained smile. A trip of eight hours plus construction in a car with two toddlers and a teen—all for family-mandated Holy Week celebrations—was exactly his idea of fun.

Being as thrilled at the thought as her husband and step-son were, Nathalie had immediately started looking for an excuse to miss the family festivities.

Adrien solved the problem by threatening to come down with a very rare, very contagious, very expensive virus which only doctors in Paris could treat. ‘Can one still claim “nerves” as a reason for missing social events, or it that too Victorian?’

The next day, a package containing a new feather pillow arrived on the Agreste family doorstep. The special notes section included a ‘<3 Nathalie’.

Gabriel caught Adrien switching all the coffee to decaf that night. Instead of scolding his son, he pitched in, removing regular coffee grounds from their packaging and replacing them with decaffeinated grounds.

It took a week for Nathalie to figure out what happened.

According to the fashion grapevine, it had been the finance department’s most relaxing week in almost two years.

Ciana yawned, jerking Gabriel back to the present. She rubbed her face against her father’s sweater.

‘Funny how fighting with your siblings can be so exhausting,’ said Abuela with a chuckle. A drowsy Béatrice slumped against her shoulder. ‘Shall I take them up?’

Gabriel said, ‘They can nap in the atelier today.’

She inclined her head in silent thanks. The lines around her mouth and eyes had deepened exponentially since helping with the twins. Even if she wouldn’t admit it, the one to two hours when the twins napped was a blessing.

Once on the couch in the atelier, the twins curled up next to each other, all quarrels forgotten.

Gabriel pulled a hand-knitted blanket (a gift from Marinette) up to their chins and sat down next to them. He stroked their soft, baby cheeks. ‘Sleep well. Papa’s here.’

He looked up and nearly jumped off the couch.

Phantom sat on the other side of the glass door, eyes narrowed in a death glare. Her fur bristled with fury.

Gabriel let her in. ‘My apologies, Madame Phantom.’

She gave a haughty meow, rolled onto her back, stuck a leg in the air, and licked the base of her tail.

‘That’s one way to tell someone off.’

She finished her business and jumped onto the couch. The cat settled on the back, the better to watch over her Kittens.

Gabriel took his previous position and scratched under her chin.

Phantom rewarded him with a purr.

When the twins woke up 87 minutes later, a stack of sketches lay next to Phantom.

Béatrice reached for the sketches and scattered them across the floor, the better to see what their father had created.

Ciana yawned and crawled into Gabriel’s lap before closing her eyes.

Gabriel kissed the top of her head and finished shading the crease on a suit for Adrien.

[1] ‘Be careful, Béatrice.’


	5. Study, Study, Study/ Always Sunny When a Test Is Due

Alix slid her sunglasses on as soon as they left the school. ‘Of course, it’s perfectly warm and sunny the day before a test.’

‘Standard spring sickness.’ Alya grunted as she adjusted the straps on her backpack. ‘One of these days, we’re going to go paperless for school and our backs will all thank us.’

‘By then we’ll be yelling at our grandchildren for losing their school tablet with all their work on it.’ Marinette sipped from the paper cup in her hand.

Alix said, ‘Bold of you to assume it won’t just be downloaded into their brains.’

‘Bold of you to assume I’ll be able to move enough to yell at any grandchildren after this year,’ said Alya, perching on a cement post. She slid her backpack off with a groan.

Marinette stopped and gave her a Nathalie-branded Look. ‘Never mind grandchildren, how will you chase superheroes if you can’t move?’

Alya shook her finger. ‘I don’t see how my comment earned a Nathalie-level Look.’

‘They’re slipping out more,’ said Marinette dryly.

Alix clicked her heels together and Heelied around her friends. Her hair (raspberry this month) fluttered in the breeze. ‘You can decide if the fight is worth it after the test, ladies.’

The familiar grey town car pulled to a stop and let Adrien and Nino out.

‘Hey, Ladies!’ called Nino as they walked up the steps.

Alya made a show of rolling her eyes and looking away, nose stuck up in mock offense.

Adrien waved at Marinette.

She smiled and raised a hand holding a coffee.

A slow grin spread across his face when he noticed both hands held coffee.

Marinette stiffened. ‘Don’t you dare.’

He handed his bookbag to Nino. ‘Hold this.’

Nino took the bag. ‘Should I be concerned?’

‘Not at all!’ Adrien sprinted towards his girlfriend. ‘Catch me, My Lady!’

‘Adrien! No!’

He jumped.

Marinette dropped the coffees and caught her boyfriend, knees buckling as she staggered back from the impact.

Adrien kissed her cheek and nuzzled her neck. ‘Good to know you love me more than coffee.’

She pushed him off and rubbed her sternum. ‘Missed you, Kitty.’ She stood on her toes and kissed him, their hands curling together.

‘I missed you, too.’

‘Not that this isn’t absolutely fascinating,’ said Alix, one of Marinette’s coffees in her left hand, ‘but I know most of you still have a curfew, and I’d like to get as much studying done as possible.’

‘She’s right.’ Alya handed the second coffee back to Marinette.

Nino handed Adrien his bookbag. ‘One of these days you’re going to hurt her, and none of us are going to protect you from the parentals when you do.’

‘Jerk.’ Adrien slung the bag over his shoulder. ‘I would never hurt my princess!’

‘Famous last words,’ said Alya.

‘Pot, kettle,’ said Adrien.

‘Enough.’ Marinette took the coffees and gave one to Adrien.

‘Aw, and marked with a lipstick kiss? For me?’ He lay an arm across her shoulders and kissed the top of her head.

Nino crossed his arms. ‘They’re never going to study at this rate.’

‘Oh, I definitely need to study.’ Marinette pretended to squirm against Adrien’s affections. ‘I almost fell asleep in English today.’

‘Third time this week,’ said Alya.

‘I mean,’ said Alix, ‘if you know your students are coming directly from lunch, maybe don’t play a really calming movie where everyone speaks in super soft voices.’

Alya grinned. ‘Are you saying you felt the soporific pull of British drama?’

‘Only when they were sitting around and talking, followed by a scene of more sitting and talking, only to attempt to shock us awake with a scene of standing and talking.’

‘As one does,’ said Nino.

‘As one does,’ they chorused.

‘Speaking of,’ said Marinette, rocking on her heels, ‘shall we?’

Adrien squeezed her shoulder. In English, he said, ‘“Lead on, Macduff”!’

‘It’s “lay on”, you pretentious oaf!’ She poked him in the side.

He flinched away before bounding down the steps.

Nino lay an arm across Alya’s shoulders. ‘Isn’t nature wonderful?’

‘It certainly leaves no shortage of entertainment.’ Alya grinned as Marinette chased Adrien to the café across the street.

By the time everyone else managed to catch up, Marinette and Adrien had claimed a large table in a sunny corner. Two pots of coffee and a tray of pastries rested in the middle.

Alix dropped her bag on the floor. ‘Have I ever mentioned how much I love people who buy me food?’

‘Same.’ Nino grabbed a chair and a mini-quiche. He popped it into his mouth before digging into his backpack.

Marinette put on her large, round reading glasses and held her hand out. ‘English from here out.’

Alix wrinkled her nose but stuck her hand on top of Marinette’s. ‘The deal is the deal.’

‘The deal is the deal,’ said Adrien, Nino, and Alya, stacking their hands up.

They made a bouncing motion with their hands and promptly fell on the food and coffee.

‘I hate this every time,’ said Alya in English. ‘But the snacks always help.’

‘Don’t let Nathalie hear you say that,’ said Adrien, tearing into a croissant. ‘When she taught me English, we had days marked out when everything was in that language.’ He gulped at his coffee. ‘I suspect it’s only going to be worse with the twins.’

‘Abuela speaks Spanish to them when she’s there,’ said Marinette.

‘They’re not going to be able to speak in complete sentences in any language until they’re four at this rate.’ Nino opened his class notes.

Alix signed, ‘Sign language for everyone!’

‘That, too,’ said Adrien before making a rude gesture.

‘Not in front of the children!’ cried Nino, covering Marinette’s eyes.

Marinette gave a rude gesture of her own.

Alya raised an eyebrow. ‘That’s not French.’

‘It’s amazing what you can learn from three weeks in the UK.’ Marinette removed Nino’s hands and downed the last of her coffee. ‘Felix was an excellent teacher in the art of deception and rude gestures.’

Adrien rubbed the bridge of his nose and opened his book. ‘Ready to help us review _Jane Eyre_?’

‘Only if you’re prepared for the insanity that is _Wuthering Heights._ ’ Marinette used the hem of her shirt to wipe Nino’s fingerprints from her glasses.

‘ _The Professor_ is better than both of those,’ said Alix. ‘Even in translation.’

‘ _The Tenant of Wildfell Hall_ is best of all,’ said Nino.

Alya nudged him. ‘When did I start dating such a literary aficionado?’

‘No power at my aunt’s over Christmas. She’s obsessed with the Brontës and has all of their works in at least four different languages.’

‘That’s actually kind of awesome,’ said Adrien.

‘Nerd,’ said Alya, applying lip balm.

Nino sniffed. ‘Hey, what kind of lip balm is that?’

She side-eyed him. ‘Have I worn anything other than cocoa butter since we met?’

‘Just humour me.’

Adrien poured his friend another coffee and signalled for a new pot.

Alya tapped her fingers on the table twice before saying in a bubbly voice, ‘It’s cocoa butter! Do you want some?’

Nino tilted her chin up with his fingers. ‘I’d love some.’ He kissed her gently.

When he pulled away, she raised an eyebrow and crossed her arms. ‘You call that a kiss, Lahiffe?’

He grinned and kissed her harder.

Alix rolled her eyes. ‘If none of you are going to take this studying thing seriously, then I’m calling everyone’s parents.’

That caught everyone’s attention.

‘Bad grade?’ said Adrien.

‘For both of us,’ said Marinette with a grimace. ‘And you have to be home by sundown…’

‘Vampire time already?’ said Alix.

‘In this sunshine? Don’t be ridiculous.’

Nino cracked his knuckles. ‘Let’s do this.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Discussion question: What's everyone's favourite Bronte work? Shipwrecked Comedy's Poe Party is an acceptable answer.


	6. Tapping In

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The characters aren't talking to me. -_-

Reynard narrowed his eyes at the email on his phone. ‘That’s her second order for decaf today.’

Finley swallowed her food and said, ‘Baby or still recovering?’

‘They didn’t have lunch together, so it couldn’t have been that good.’

‘He didn’t come in at all.’

‘Does that mean anything?’ said Paige, Mr Agreste’s latest Executive Assistant. She wore her brown hair in a Gibson Girl today.

‘Not necessarily,’ said Finley slowly.

‘But he didn’t have either of you work from the mansion.’ Reynard forwarded the text to the resident intern working as _his_ P.A. this season. ‘Which means it was probably good enough.’

Paige chewed on her plastic fork. ‘Let me see if I have this correct: One decaf means they had sex. Two means she suspects she’s pregnant?’

‘Two means she’s being careful,’ said Finley.

‘But tea means she’s confirmed pregnant.’ Reynard inhaled a forkful of noodles and sat back in his desk chair. ‘Black tea, but tea all the same.’

Finley said, ‘And lunch together means that the sex was mind-blowingly good enough that they’re still terrifyingly happy.’

Paige nodded, pencil-thin eyebrows drawn together in concentration. ‘What about when he doesn’t wear a cravat or tie?’

‘I believe the scientific term is “pegged silly”,’ said Reynard, trying to look serious and failing.

Finley’s widened as she choked on her food.

Reynard winced. ‘How long has she been listening?’

‘Long enough to understand why my coffee isn’t here yet,’ said Nathalie from the doorway of her inner office, hands clasped behind her.

‘The intern is on the task,’ said Reynard.

She studied him, eye narrowed behind her glasses. ‘I’m questioning the need for an intern if you have enough time to gossip about the intimate lives of your employers.’

Paige grinned. ‘I’m an expert at throwing baby showers.’

Finley shook her head furiously.

Nathalie’s eyebrow twitched.

The grin faded. The E.A. coughed and packed up her food. ‘I’ll see you two later. Have a good day, Ms Sancoeur.’

‘And you,’ said Nathalie softly.

As soon as the door closed, Reynard said, ‘My apologies. It wasn’t all about you and Mr Agreste.’

‘It started with talking about the government auditors,’ said Finley.

Nathalie wrinkled her nose. ‘Don’t remind me. They’ll be back tomorrow with their calculators and magnifying glasses.’

Reynard rubbed his temples. ‘Does this mean another late night?’

‘Unfortunately.’ Nathalie smothered a yawn. ‘Tell the intern to drink the coffee himself.’

The P.A.s’ ears pricked up.

‘Are you going home?’ said Finley.

‘Would you like us to order dinner in?’ said Reynard, already reaching for his phone.

Nathalie gave them a scathing look. ‘I’m going to the gym.’

‘Oh.’ Reynard stood up and pulled his suit jacket on. ‘In that case—’

‘I’ll be going alone.’

‘Er, actually,’ he cleared his throat, ‘Mr Agreste said that you’re not allowed to do that anymore.’

Nathalie raised an eyebrow.

‘And by that,’ said Reynard in a bright tone, ‘I mean that his suggestions are ludicrous and I can say that you bullied me into letting you go alone.’

Finley rolled her eyes.

‘Excellent,’ said Nathalie. ‘Until tomorrow.’

As soon as the door closed behind her, Reynard collapsed into his chair, fingers buried in his hair. ‘I am so dead!’

Finley nodded.

Nathalie landed hard on the mat, gasping as the wind was knocked out of her.

‘You’re slow today,’ said Nora, her latest trainer.

‘You’re not exactly up to par yourself.’ Nathalie could feel the sweat trickling through her hair. ‘Late night?’

‘Security gig went later than scheduled.’

Nathalie hooked her feet behind the trainer’s ankle and knee and pulled.

The trainer caught herself before she could fall.

Nathalie swung her legs and swept Nora to the floor.

Nora adjusted her fall and climbed on top of her opponent. She caught her arm and twisted.

Nathalie struggled for a minute before tapping out.

They rolled away, both breathing hard.

‘Not bad.’ Nora sat up. Sweat streamed down her face. ‘You’ll be ready to take on Pierre before long.’

Nathalie tried to stand but her legs were too rubbery. She used the hem of her shirt to wipe her face.

Someone knocked on the door and stepped in. ‘Sorry, Nora, but Penny’s here. She said she booked a session last week.’

Nora pulled herself to her feet and went to her bag. She fished out a tablet and pulled up her schedule. ‘Shit.’ She kicked an exercise ball. ‘They have got to stop double-booking me!’

Nathalie managed to sit on her knees. She rested her hands on her thighs, trying to get control of her breathing and heartbeat.

The other trainer said, ‘I can take Penny. You still have twenty minutes here.’

Nora eyed Nathalie. ‘Hey, what do you say to a sparring partner?’

‘I’m not at all fresh and she’ll have the advantage.’

‘You’re almost twice her height and haven’t rolled off an international flight. It’ll be fair.’

‘I hate fair.’

The trainers chuckled.

Nora tapped the other trainer. ‘Go ahead and send Penny in. They’ll be good for each other.’

Nathalie grabbed her water bottle and downed half of it.

Two minutes later, a magenta-haired woman stepped in and gave a half-wave. ‘Hi, I’m Penny Rolling.’

‘Nathalie Sancoeur.’ Nathalie frowned. ‘Penny Rolling? As in Jagged Stone’s assistant?’

‘Manager.’ Penny tilted her head. ‘You’ve heard of me?’

‘My step-son’s girlfriend has worked with you multiple times.’

Penny grinned. ‘That wouldn’t happen to be Marinette Dupain-Cheng, would it?’

‘The very same.’ Nathalie redid her messy bun and stretched until her sternum popped.

‘This is amazing! Jagged loves working with Marinette and hoped to commission her while in Paris this week.’

‘Good luck with that. The exams are especially fierce this week.’

‘Definitely don’t miss those days.’ Penny removed her sweatshirt, exposing her toned arms. 

‘Come on out, ladies,’ said Nora. ‘Time’s ticking, and the twins need their mother.’

Nathalie rolled her eyes. ‘The twins are going to have to wait until the government auditing team finishes their snooping.’

‘Nathalie, on the floor,’ said Nora. ‘Penny, I’m going to start you in mounted position.’

The women nodded and did as such.

At Nora’s signal, Nathalie rolled her hips and threw Penny off. She shrimped away and caught her by the arm. She twisted the arm and pulled it into an ambar.

Penny tapped out and sat up. ‘I thought you had a desk job.’

‘Hm?’

‘Marinette said you were an assistant?’

‘I was. I’m the CFO for Agreste Industries now.’

‘Ah. Hence the auditors.’

‘Hence the auditors.’

A phone rang.

Nathalie winced and went to pick it up. ‘Sancoeur.’

‘We’re dead!’ wailed Adrien. ‘We survived but we’re dead!’

She rolled her eyes. ‘How did the study session go?’

‘I hate the Brontës, and Alya drank her coffee with sixteen sugars.’

Nathalie gagged. ‘Are her teeth intact?’

‘We’ll find out tomorrow. In the meantime, would you be able to pick Marinette and me up? The Gorilla had a family emergency, and Father’s managing the twins by himself.’

Nathalie rubbed the bridge of her nose. If the universe insisted on her going home tonight, so be it. ‘Text me the address.’

‘Tha-anks! I love you!’

‘Love you, too,’ she said drily before hanging up. ‘Nora?’

The trainer crossed her arms. ‘Duty calls?’

Nathalie nodded and pulled on an athletic jacket. ‘Might want to mention to your parents that Alya’s drinking her coffee with sixteen sugars.’

Nora and Penny gagged.

‘I don’t know why she does that,’ said Nora. ‘It’s not like she’s chasing superheroes anymore!’

‘Superheroes?’ said Penny.

‘My sister ran the Ladyblog when Ladybug and Chat Noir fought Hawkmoth.’

‘Wait, your sister is Alay Césaire?’

Nora rolled her eyes and gave an exaggerated sigh. ‘Yeah, that’s the one. She has the self-preservation instinct of—of—’

‘Jagged has a better sense of self-preservation,’ said Penny. ‘And that’s after five bars and a meet ‘n’ greet with Fang eyeing a feathered hat.’

‘Huh?’

‘What happens in Vegas…’

Nathalie rolled her neck. ‘Isn’t it lovely having to babysit those who should know better?’

‘One of these days,’ said Penny, ‘they’ll be able to sort themselves out.’

‘And it will be wonderful.’ Nora stretched her arms. ‘I’ll see you next week, Nathalie. Let’s go, Penny.’

Nathalie showered before leaving The Gym (a wonderful place free of cutesy attempts at luring in a certain demographic) and went straight to her car.

Two stressed out teens and a driving lesson through rush-hour Paris, coming right up. 


	7. A New Challenger Appears!

Outside the café, Marinette pulled on the straps of her backpack. ‘She’s going to make me drive, isn’t she?’

Adrien massaged the base of her neck. ‘Better than Father trying to teach us again.’

‘I thought we agreed to never discuss that again.’

He chuckled and played with a loose strand of her hair. ‘Rock, paper, scissors for the pleasure of driving?’

‘Only if you can promise Nathalie won’t override it.’

Gravel hit their legs as a sports car zoomed past.

They glared at the car.

‘Tourists,’ muttered Marinette.

Nathalie’s silver car pulled around the corner.

Adrien stuck out his fist. ‘Ready?’

Marinette held out her fist. ‘Ready.’

‘One, two, three—’

The car pulled to a stop, and Nathalie popped out. ‘Adrien, you’re driving.’

‘No!’ He fell to his knees, hands raised to the sky.

Nathalie threw the keys to him.

He caught them easily but wailed, ‘We were going to duel for the lesson!’

Nathalie walked around the car to the passenger’s side. ‘You have a driving test next week, and you’re going to pass it.’

Marinette chuckled and climbed into the back seat.

Adrien took the driver’s seat. ‘Or what?’

‘Or you can ride with Abuela to Zarautz. She leaves the day after your test.’ Nathalie grinned, her teeth tinted green from the neon lights. ‘Just think: Ten hours of sermons and Santana with a stop at every major cathedral.’

Marinette stuck her head between the seats and said, ‘And speaking only in Spanish!’

Adrien buckled up. ‘Remind me who’s side you’re on again?’

She kissed his cheek and settled back in her seat.

As they merged with traffic, Adrien said, ‘What’s so wrong about a week on the Spanish coast?’

Nathalie said, ‘Base line: Four hundred plus people sharing an estate that’s meant to hold 150 comfortably due to sentimentality somehow managing to outweigh practically even now.’ She shifted in her seat. ‘My childhood contains far too many memories of choosing between sharing a double bed with five other cousins or sleeping on the floor.’

Adrien blanched. ‘Yeah, no. Not happening. Father would have a heart attack.’

‘And that’s the best-case scenario,’ said Marinette.

It was at this point that traffic went from ‘slow’ to ‘not moving’.

‘Is there a protest on?’ said Adrien, hands gripping the wheel.

Marinette stuck her head out of the window. ‘Not that I can see. Transportation strike, maybe?’

‘No announcement.’ 

Three metres and thirteen minutes later, Marinette’s phone chimed. She dug it out from her bag and squealed. ‘There’s a Lapras!’

‘A what?’ said Nathalie. 

‘It’s a Pokémon. Alix and I have been trying to capture it for weeks!’

Adrien said, ‘You still play Pokémon Go?’

Marinette growled as the Lapras disappeared from the screen. ‘Fuck you.’

He winked via the mirror. ‘Is that a promise?’

She extended two fingers in his direction.

‘Play nice, children,’ said Nathalie.

Adrien put the car into gear and followed the flow of traffic for the grand distance of eight metres before stopping again.

Three cars ahead, a police officer checked a car’s papers.

Nathalie crossed her arms. ‘This had better not be for a damned checkpoint.’

‘THAT’S RIGHT! INTO THE POKÉBALL, BITCH!’

Adrien rubbed his ears. ‘I take it you got the thing?’

Marinette shimmied in her seat. ‘I did indeed.’ Her smile widened. ‘And the motorcyclist just airdropped me his number.’

‘Who the hell is sending you their number?’

 _Tap-tap_.

Adrien jumped and glared at the helmeted person on the other side of the window. He pressed the button to lower the window. ‘How dare you—?’

The rider lifted his visor and winked. ‘I’m a simple man: I see a cute face, I send my number.’

‘How—?’

‘Check your phone. You’ll see that I contacted you first.’

Adrien turned up his nose in a fair impression of his father. ‘And if they happen to be taken?’

Nathalie said, ‘A gentleman always knows when to retreat.’

Marinette laughed and lowered her window. ‘What are you doing here, Luka?’

Luka patted the packages on the back of his motorcycle. ‘Just making some deliveries and happened to see you poor souls sitting in this traffic. Thought I’d do the right thing and offer Marinette a ride home before leaving the car in the dust.’

Adrien rolled his eyes. ‘Every time I wish for a big brother, you show up and remind me why being the big brother isn’t so bad.’

Luka chuckled and coasted his bike alongside the car as traffic moved 182 centimetres.

‘Thanks for the offer,’ said Marinette when traffic stilled, ‘but I think I’ll stick it out with these weirdos.’ In a stage whisper, she added, ‘Gotta protect the internship, y’know?’

Adrien sighed and threw an arm over his forehead. ‘If nothing else, I can at least rest safely in the knowledge that the internship will guaranty her love.’

‘I guess you can say she’s not after you for your money?’

‘Hey!’ Marinette stuck out her tongue.

Luka’s phone chirped. ‘Sorry, have to run. Have a good rest of your evening!’ He lowered his helmet and zoomed off into the distance.

Nathalie looked up from an email on her phone. ‘Is he dating anyone?’

‘Unfortunately, no,’ said Adrien.

Marinette reached forward and finger-combed his hair. ‘You know he’s not a threat, right?’

He took her fingers and squeezed them gently. ‘Half of Paris is in love with you, Bug. You’ll excuse my suspicion tendencies.’

She kissed his cheek.

The cars in front moved forward.

‘Finally!’ Adrien shifted into gear, and the car lurched forward.

Marinette strained her neck as they rolled past the emergency vehicles. ‘Yikes.’

‘That bad?’ said Adrien, eyes on the road.

‘And more.’

‘Take the next left,’ said Nathalie, answering a text. ‘Your father’s wondering where we are. Apparently, he has something special planned for tonight.’

Adrien took the turn and said, ‘Curiouser and curiouser.’

Five streets later, he pulled to a stop in front of the bakery.

‘Finally.’ Marinette slipped out of the car. ‘So good to be home!’

Nathalie propped her door open and checked the car’s proximity to the kerb. ‘Not bad. You might actually pass your test at this rate.’

‘I always thought moms were supposed to be supportive,’ said Adrien.

She side-eyed him. ‘Don’t you have a princess to escort to her front door? Maybe give her a goodnight kiss?’

Adrien bolted from the car and offered an arm to Marinette. ‘My Lady.’

‘Oh, thank you!’ Marinette removed her backpack and dropped it into his hand.

He immediately applied cartoon physics and fell to the pavement. ‘What is this made of?’ he groaned. 

‘It’s where I’m keeping my hopes and dreams. Can’t have them wander off too far.’

Nathalie rolled down her window. ‘You have ten minutes.’

Adrien jumped up and threw the bag over one shoulder. ‘Heard and understood. I will cherish and protect them as if they were my very own.’

'Silly Kitty.' 

They held hands as they walked to the bakery door.

Marinette pushed on the handle and smacked her nose on the door when it didn’t open.

‘You okay?’ said Adrien.

‘Yeah.’ She grimaced as she rubbed it.

The ‘closed’ sign stared at them.

‘That’s weird,’ said Marinette. 

‘Did your parents say they were going anywhere?’

She shook her head and dug out her key.

Once inside, they bypassed the bakery and went straight to the apartment. They turned on lights as they climbed the stairs.

Adrien linked his fingers with Marinette's. ‘What horror do you think is waiting for us?’

‘Definitely a pile of homework we didn’t know about.’ She squeezed his hand. ‘Thanks for the study session today. I’ve missed you.’ 

‘I’m the one thanking you. I hate everyone being scattered at different schools.’ He stopped on the landing. ‘But it’s going to be harder next year.’

‘One day at a time, Kitty.’

He kissed her hand. ‘I know.’

At the top of the stairs, Marinette stopped suddenly. ‘Uh-oh.’ 

‘What?’ Adrien looked around and saw a neat line of shoes outside the door.

Immediately, Tikki appeared from Marinette’s purse. ‘What’s wrong?’

Marinette stared at the shoes. ‘Grandmother Cheng is here.’


	8. A Grandmother By Any Other Name…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: Everything involving Marinette's grandmother is based on what Chinese friends and friends who have lived in China for extensive periods have told me about the culture and family relationships. HOWEVER! should you see something that is incorrect or improper, please feel free to correct me.

‘Grandmother Cheng? Your mom’s mom?’ said Adrien.

‘Uh-huh!’ Marinette chewed on her lower lip. ‘And I was having such a nice day.’ 

‘What’s wrong with your grandmother visiting?’

Plagg stuck his head out. ‘If she’s like any of the grandmothers I remember, she’s a terrifying force of nature who shoves you full of food and drags you out of bed on early morning climbs up a steep mountain.’

The teens looked at Tikki.

‘He’s right,’ she said. ‘Abuela was very puzzling at first.’

‘Other than the trying to make everyone gain ten kilos in the first week,’ said Plagg. ‘That’s fairly par for the course.’

Tikki made a noise of uncertainty. 

Marinette said, ‘Grandmother is terrifyingly traditional. I burnt the rice last time she visited.’ She pulled on her bun. ‘She still asks about it in her letters. I was eight!’

‘Marinette, it’s okay.’ Tikki hugged her Chosen’s cheek. ‘You’re Lady Luck now, and she never has to worry about burning rice!’

Plagg chuckled. ‘It’s not our first time babysitting rice.’

‘I’m sure that’s a sight.’ Marinette slipped off her shoes and opened the door.

Adrien started to follow her.

‘Shoes off.’

‘Right.’ He bent over and untied his shoes. ‘Does this happen every time?’

‘Yep. Maman tries to be as traditional as possible and still gets criticised to hell and back.’

‘Sounds exhausting.’ He hopped around, struggling to remove his shoe. ‘Remind me to wear something easier to get off and on next time.’

Adrien pried his second shoe off and looked at his feet. ‘I have sushi rolls on my socks.’

‘You’ll be fine.’ Marinette pushed the door open. ‘I’m home!’

Sabine waved from the kitchen, her smile ever so slightly strained. A pile of chopped vegetables sat in bowls on the counter.

‘Marinette! My baby!’

Adrien’s eyebrows rose as an impossibly tiny woman bustled over from the kitchen.

Marinette immediately bowed. ‘Good evening, Waipo.’ 

The tiny woman hugged Marinette before pinching her cheeks. ‘You’ve grown so tall! And so womanly! Where did my little baby go?’ She patted Marinette’s cheeks. You’re going to have babies of your own soon enough.’

Adrien coughed to cover up a laugh.

Marinette blushed a furious shade of red and glared at him. ‘Waipo,’ she said, ‘this is Adrien, my boyfriend.’

Adrien smiled and bowed formally.

‘You have a boyfriend?’ said Waipo. ‘But you haven’t graduated university yet! How can you focus on your studies if you have a boy distracting you?’

‘He’s very good at school,’ said Marinette. In a stage whisper, she added, ‘I get better grades than him.’

Waipo smacked her on the shoulder. ‘Don’t show off! You’ll scare him.’ She pulled Marinette into another hug, burying her granddaughter’s head in her shoulder.

Adrien’s sides hurt from holding in his laughter.

The grandmother immediately looking over her shoulder and said in Chinese, ‘She’s so skinny! You need to feed her more. No wonder only a white boy is interested in her.’

Sabine’s smile strained even further.

‘Actually,’ said Adrien in Chinese, ‘I think she’s perfect the way she is. I wouldn’t have her any other way.’

Waipo stared before breaking into a broad grin.

Marinette yelped as her grandmother dropped her to yank Adrien into a tight embrace.

‘You speak Chinese! Welcome to the family!’ Waipo patted his face. ‘So tall! So handsome!’

From her position half on the ottoman, half on the floor, Marinette covered her smile with her hand as Waipo pinched Adrien’s stomach.

‘But so skinny.’ She released him. ‘Stay for dinner. Your mother should be ashamed of letting you get so thin.’

Adrien stumbled back and rubbed his stomach. In French, he said, ‘What is with grandmothers and commenting on my weight? Abuela did the exact same thing when we first met.’

‘It’s a grandmother thing,’ said Marinette, taking his hand. ‘If Nonna was traditional at all, you’d be halfway to Papa’s size by now.’

Adrien chuckled. ‘Now there’s one way to put Father in hospital.’

She patted his stomach.

He looked down. ‘Um, excuse me?’

She whipped her hand away and behind her back. ‘Sorry.’

‘Also, the idea of Nathalie cooking—’ He snickered.

‘Who is Nathalie?’ said Waipo. ‘Your housekeeper?’

‘My step-mother.’ He tried to remember the word in Chinese.

Sabine stirred the vegetables into the steaming pan. She translated the word to her mother.

‘Ah!’ Waipo nodded her head. ‘A healthy new wife?’

‘We’re happy and I have two sisters?’

‘It’s so kind of her to raise another woman’s child.’

Adrien whispered in Marinette’s ear, ‘We are _never_ telling Nathalie any of this conversation.’

She nodded furiously. ‘Maman? Where’s Papa?’

‘Making a delivery on the Right Bank,’ said Sabine, stirring the vegetables into the pan on the stove.

‘I have a present for you, my baby!’ Waipo picked up a box from the table.

Adrien’s phone rang. He winced before answering. ‘I’ll be down in a minute.’

‘What’s taking so long?’ said Nathalie.

Marinette unwrapped the box. ‘Oh! A rice cooker!’

Adrien glanced at three generations of Chengs before saying in rapid-fire English, ‘Marinette’s grandmother is here.’

‘I see,’ said Nathalie slowly.

Waipo said to Marinette, ‘Now you can make real rice!’

Via the phone, Nathalie said, ‘We’ll ask Abuela to light a candle. For now, your father’s called twice wondering where we are.’

‘I’ll be right there.’ Adrien hung up and kissed Marinette’s lips. ‘See you tomorrow,’ he whispered in her ear.

‘Maybe tonight depending how this evening goes.’

‘Uh-huh!’ His ears lit up as he scurried out the door, waving an almost forgotten farewell to Sabine and Waipo.

Adrien sprinted down the stairs and onto the street. He all but threw himself in the driver’s seat. ‘Home?’

Nathalie raised an eyebrow. ‘What happened up there?’

‘I was called skinny and Marinette isn’t worthy of a “white boy’s” attention.’

‘Just wait until they find out you’re going into business and are horribly wealthy.’

He put the car into gear. ‘Isn’t that just a stereotype?’

‘It’s a universal truth that families of every background always seek a spouse of higher social and economic background than their child was born into.’

‘Eh…’

‘And there speaks your privilege.’

‘Rude.’

‘Turn left.’

Adrien made it a block before saying, ‘But what about when she finds out I’m not going to be an engineer or a doctor?’

Nathalie thought for a minute. ‘Confer with your father, but I believe the best approach would be to mention it after Marinette has confessed that she’s going into fashion. Saying that you’re going in to business will look much.’

‘Ouch. Just throw her under the bus like that?’

‘Do you want to play fair or to win?’

‘Fine,’ he groaned. ‘You win.’

Nathalie smiled smugly. ‘As always.’


	9. No Biting! [Unless It’s Consensual]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now that a 'normal for now' is settling into place, I'm hoping to start writing again. Apologies for the delay, and I hope everyone is safe and healthy!

‘…It’s just a general air of coolness. Ever since he got the motorcycle…’

Nathalie backspaced and retyped the sentence, fingers flying across the screen. 

‘…And the girls won’t shut up about it! Even Marinette says he looks cool…’

The car swayed as it turned through the gates.

Adrien pushed the button to open the garage and drove in. He slammed his hand against the steering wheel. ‘…With his hair and his piercings and his—’

Nathalie looked up from her tablet. ‘Adrien!’ she shrieked, her foot instinctively slamming against the car’s floorboard.

He stopped just in time to keep from driving the car through the back of the garage.

They sat there, staring.

Adrien gulped and put the car in Park. ‘Don’t tell Father?’

When she didn’t answer, he whispered, ‘Don’t tell the Gorilla?’

Nathalie growled. ‘Don’t give me a reason to.’ She climbed out and slammed the car door.

He took extra care to make sure everything was turned off or closed—especially the garage door—and scrambled out.

‘My keys?’

‘Right.’ He handed them over. ‘Sorry.’

She shoved the keys into her bag. ‘Just get inside.’

The door to the rest of the mansion opened an inch before getting stuck.

‘Um?’ Adrien pushed gently. ‘Hello?

Ciana’s eye appeared in the crack. ‘Dri!’

He grinned. ‘Hey, Cici,’ he said, wriggling the door open, careful to not run over any fingers or toes.

Behind him, Nathalie sped-typed the email, eager to finish before transitioning from CFO to Mother.

‘Up!’ Ciana lifted her arms, trying to wriggle her fingers.

He scooped her up and spun around the mudroom.

She giggled and looked over his shoulder. ‘Maman!’ she shrieked.

‘Yikes!’ Adrien wobbled as his sister attempted to leap from his arms to Nathalie’s.

Between the two of them, they managed to keep both Ciana and the tablet from landing on the hard floor.

Nathalie kissed Ciana’s head and settled her on her hip. ‘Good evening, little one. And what trouble did you get into today?’

Ciana babbled away, playign with her mother’s necklace and occaisionally calling to her brother as he followed them inside.

‘I know!’ Adrien grinned at her. ‘I’m still here!’

‘No need to sound so exhuberant,’ said Nathalie. ‘My ears can only take so much.’

‘If I’m not allowed to talk baby talk to them, at least let me match their enthusiasm, please?’

Nathalie simply adjusted her hold on Ciana and carried on.

A black blur shot down the stairs to greet them.

Adrien stumbled as Phantom tackled him. ‘Hey, there, princess.’

She chirped and stood up on her back legs.

He picked her up and let her settle on his shoulders.

Ciana waved to the cat.

Phantom purred, and Adrien’s shoulders relaxed.

Balancing Phantom on his shoulders, Adrien took Nathalie’s bag and dropped it off in the dining room.

The sound of imperious babbling from the foyer caught his attention.

He peeked around the corner and grinned. ‘Nathalie! You’re going to want to see this!’

She peered around the corner with him.

Béatrice paced around the foyer, a toy phone pressed to one ear. Her other hand dragged a naked baby doll on the floor.

Nathalie winced. ‘I hope that’s not modelled after me.’

‘I won’t tell Abuela,’ said Adrien, only just managing to keep his laughter contained.

Béatrice made a series of sounds and pretended to hang up the phone.

Phantom jumped off Her Boy’s shoulders and trotted up to Her Kitten. 

Béatrice’s face split into a massive grin on seeing her family was home. ‘Maman!’ She dropped her toys and ran to her mother.

Ciana wrapped her arms more tightly around Nathalie’s neck. ‘No!’

‘Can’t breathe!’ cried Nathalie.

Béatrice pulled on her mother’s trouser leg and screamed at her sister.

Adrien held his arms out to Ciana. ‘Let Bee have a turn?’

She shook her head and turned so she wouldn’t see him.

‘Remind me why I thought it would be a good idea for you and father to breed?’ Adrien picked up Béatrice and swung her around before tossing her into the air.

‘Higher!’ screemed Béatrice, waving her arms in the air. ‘Higher!’

Ciana whined.

Adrien caught Béatrice and turned up his nose. ‘You’re going to have to let go of Maman to fly.’

A studious expression crossed Ciana’s face before she let go of her mother’s neck.

Nathalie drew a deep breath. A minute later, Béatrice snuggled against her and Ciana screamed in glee as Adrien threw her into the air.

Béatrice fiddled with her mother’s necklace.

‘Where’s your father at?’ Nathalie slipped her shoes off and rummaged for her phone.

Adrien put Ciana on his shoulders and stood in the middle of the foyer. He took a deep breath and yelled, ‘Yo, Pops! Where are you at?’

The twins giggled as their father emerged from the office. The cool look of disgust was worth it.

‘We have an intercom,’ said Gabriel, closing the office door securely.

‘Yeah, but this is more fun.’

‘Papa!’ Ciana bounced on her brother’s shoulders and pulled on his hair.

‘Ow, no. Father? A little help?’

‘Ciana, no.’

She pouted at her father but relaxed her hold on Adrien’s hair.

Béatrice slid out of her mother’s arms and returned to playing with her phone.

Phantom trotted after her.

‘How was today?’ said Gabriel.

‘No one died.’ Nathalie glanced at Adrien as she removed the pins from her hair.

Gabriel covered her hands and whispered, ‘Not yet.’

One eyebrow arched. ‘Oh?’

He kissed her cheek and stepped back, nearly tripping over the toy phone.

‘Careful, there,’ said Nathalie, steadying him. ‘We can’t have you breaking a hip.’

Adrien snorted before doubling over with laughter.

Instead of glaring as he would have once, Gabriel gave a deliberate smirtk and said, ‘I always knew you’d be the death of me.’ He leaned in and nibbled the base of her neck. ‘I just didn’t think it would be by way of our children.’

‘Charmer.’ Her fingers brushed his cheek.

‘Argh! Why? There are impressionable children here!’ Adrien clapped a hand over his eyes and reached up to cover Ciana’s eyes as well.

She promptly bit him.

‘Ow! No! No biting.’

‘Down!’ Ciana wriggled free and ran over to play with her sister.

Adrien massaged the bite mark. ‘Like I said, impressionable children.’

Nathalie raised an eyebrow, and his father looked unconvinced.

‘Um, hehe.’ Adrien rubbed the back of his neck.

Nathalie whispered something in Gabriel’s ear.

His cheeks warmed. ‘Behave yourself,’ he whispered.

‘On that note, I’m going to go finish studying.’ Adrien grabbed his bag and sprinted up the stairs. ‘Call me when it’s time to eat? Bye!’

He slammed the bedroom door shut. ‘You’d think a pair of twins would stop that stuff, not make it worse.’

Plagg buzzed into the open air and stretched. ‘It’s a waxing moon. Happens like clockwork.’

‘That’s disgusting.’

The Kwami snorted. ‘You’re not exactly immune yourself, young grasshopper. Tikki can vouch for me.’

Adrien gave the Kwami a dirty look and disappeared into his books.


	10. Conjuring Trouble

Marinette took one look at the ruined rice and burst into tears. She ran up the stairs to her room, a hand on the banister to keep from tripping.

‘Marinette!’ called Sabine.

‘Baby!’ cried Waipo. 'Come back!'

As Marinette slammed the trap door shut, she heard yet another fight breaking out downstairs.

The slam of a door indicated that her father was also taking refuge. 

Tikki flew into the air. ‘Are you all right, Marinette?’

She threw herself onto her bed. As soon as she buried her face in her pillow, she remembered the makeup on her face. No matter. She rubbed her face on the pillow. ‘I want to ask how today can get any worse, but I don’t want to tempt fate.’

The hinges on the trap door rattled as something crashed in the kitchen.

Tikki eyed the door. ‘Are they all right down there?’

Marinette pulled her blankets over her head. ‘Wake me up when it’s time for school?’

Her phone vibrated.

‘Like I said,’ muttered Marinette, feeling around for the item, ‘tempting fate.’ She pressed the video chat option. ‘Hi, Kagami.’

Kagami’s scowl was especially scowly. She wore a cable-knit sweater over leggings, her outfit for when she felt rebellious. ‘I have a problem.’

‘As in you’re attracted to them or the body won’t fit in your fencing bag?’

‘Hilarious. My mother.’

Marinette returned the scowl. ‘I’m going to have to refer you to Luka on that one.’

‘Why?’ said Kagami in a guarded tone.

‘Wellllllll…’ Marinette slid off her bed and crab walked over to the trap door. She opened it enough to stick her phone out.

Her parents’ bedroom door flew open, and Tom barged out. ‘Enough!’ he shouted. ‘I can’t take this anymore!’

Marinette quietly shut the door and considered transforming right then and there to go hide at the Agrestes.

How the tables had turned.

As soon as she picked up the phone again, Kagami said, ‘You burned the rice, didn’t you?’

‘Is there some sort of Asian sixth sense allowing people to know when someone else burns rice?’

Kagami’s scowl relaxed slightly. ‘Didn’t you post a picture of a new rice cooker? How do you mess up with that?’

‘Two words: Wrong adaptors. Waipo bought it in China.’ Marinette plopped into her desk chair and propped the phone against a stack of homework. She buried her hands in her hair. ‘Maman and Waipo have been “not fighting” in the interest of keeping relationship, but I guess the rice was the last straw.’

‘You’re mother’s become too Italian.’

Marinette scrunched up her nose, trying to decide if she was going to laugh or cry. 

Tikki settled on her shoulder, the lightest of comforting touches.

Kagami huffed, blowing bangs out of her face. ‘I’d like to sympathise, but you could have my mother instead.’

‘What is it this time? University or fencing?’

‘University. She said no more Saturday brunches.’

‘What?’ Marinette sat up, sending paperwork and Tikki flying. ‘Why?’

Kagami blinked rapidly. ‘She says it’s taking away from “the Valuable Now”, effectively stealing from the future.’

‘Did you say you’re spending that time networking?’

‘I even used the “Mr Agreste lets Adrien do it” card!’

Marinette groaned.

Kagami’s shoulders slumped. ‘She also said that he’s “become soft since marrying _That Woman_ ”.’

‘That’s it. I’m telling Nathalie.’

From the top of the bookcase, Tikki gave Marinette a sharp look.

‘Or,’ Marinette loosened her hair.

Kagami raised an eyebrow.

‘How much wrath are you willing to risk?’

Dark eyes narrowed on the screen. ‘How much can you conjure up?’

‘New haircut, pierced ears, and a regular date who wears leather and eyeliner?’

Kagami’s cheeks flushed. ‘I’m curious.’ She looked over her shoulder and yelled in Japanese. When she turned back around, she said, ‘Sorry, Marinette. I need to go. Thanks for everything.’

She smiled and terminated the call.

Marinette rested her chin on her hands. Even if it hadn’t solved her own problems, it felt good to solve someone else’s.

The kerfuffle from downstairs seemed to have quieted for now. With the mandatory one-fight-per-visit out of the way, hopefully the rest of her grandmother’s stay would be pleasant.

Tikki floated over to the desk. ‘Are you really going to get Luka and Kagami together?’

‘Adrien and I have been trying for a while. Thanks for noticing.’

Tikki giggled. ‘Is that why Adrien is always so tense around him?’

‘One reason. The other being that Luka would flirt with a flowerpot if it waved at him. Ugh. At this point, I’m desperate enough to ask Nathalie to draw up a plan. She has 97% success rate. Usually.’

‘Only when she remembers to account for the twin factor,’ said Tikki drily. 

The phone-phone rang.

‘Hello?’

‘Are you talking about Luka?’ shrieked Kagami.

Marinette rubbed her ear. ‘Is that a problem?’

An uncharacteristic squeak, and the call disconnected.

‘Is that what I sounded like around Adrien?’ said Marinette.

‘Discretion _is_ supposed to be the better part of valour.’ Tikki dug out a treat from her cookie stash and floated back over, trailing crumbs in her wake.

Marinette clicked her tongue at the new mess. ‘You were definitely tidier before the reveal.’

‘Plagg and I balance each other out.’ Tikki popped an especially large chunk into her mouth. ‘I relax and he becomes something resembling responsible.’

Translation: You become a slob,’ Marinette lay a facial tissue on the desk to catch the crumbs, ‘and he becomes as vigilant as Phantom when the twins are teething.’

Tikki stuck out a crumb-coated tongue and carried on with her snack.

Marinette grabbed a notebook and her current favourite pen. ‘Care to help plan this attack?’

‘Don’t you have homework?’

‘Obviously, but this is significantly more fun if slightly less rewarding. And—and, Madame Tsurugi makes a good stand-in for my frustrations with Waipo and school.’

Tikki sighed. ‘Just be kind to Mr Agreste this time.’

Marinette widened her eyes and blinked innocently. She held a splayed palm to her chest. ‘Me? Throw Mr Gabriel Himself Agreste to the wolves in order to gain a moment of freedom and mischief? I would never!’ 


	11. Soup of the Day: Coffee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marinette seeks assistance from her friends and the Great Power That Is Coffee.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's this? Two updates in a week, let alone two days in a row?! Believe me, I'm as shocked as you.

Alix slammed a tray of coffees on the table. ‘Drink up, bitches. It’s Exam Day.’

‘I thought it was Friday,’ said Rose, reaching for her order.

‘It can be multiple days at the same time.’ Alya grabbed her drink and Marinette’s. She set it in front of the drowsy girl and removed the lid. ‘Come on,’ she wafted the scented steam towards her friend, ‘wakey-wakey!’

‘Waka Waka,’ muttered Marinette, chin propped up by her fist and eyes tightly closed.

Rose reached over and patted her dark head. ‘You’re not supposed to work yourself to the point of burnout.’

‘Juleka,’ said Alix, ‘please kindly your girlfriend that not all of us can run on sunlight and the knowledge of the ancients, by which I mean we are all in some form of burn out.’

Juleka grinned. ‘Speak for yourself.’

‘What kept you up so late?’ said Alya to Marinette.

‘Something tall?’ said Alix.

‘With eyes the colour of grass and deepest emeralds?’ said Rose, exaggerating her swooning.

She jumped and squeaked. ‘No pinching!’

Juleka chuckled into her coffee but returned her hand to her own lap.

Marinette slumped further into the table. She mumbled into her arms, her forehead brushing the tabletop.

Four heads leaned in closer, trying to understand the sleepy oracle.

‘Can you repeat that?’ said Juleka.

Marinette propped her chin on her crossed arms. ‘Lukagami.’

‘About time!’

Juleka immediately slapped her hand over her mouth. ‘Sorry.'

‘I’m so proud of you!’ Rose squeezed her in a hug. ‘I think that’s the loudest you’ve ever been!’

She stopped and turned back to Marinette. ‘You’re going to get Luka and Kagami together? Is that what I heard?’

Marinette nodded. Her nose twitched at the smell of coffee.

Alya jiggled the cup, knocking the tiniest of droplets down the side of the cup. ‘Come on; that’s right. And how long have those two been tiptoeing around each other? What made it so now is the "applicable time"?’

Marinette grabbed the dancing cup and downed it in two gulps. She took a deep breath and popped her neck. ‘Kagami can’t deal with her mother anymore.’

‘Ah…’ said four voices together.

Juleka said, ‘She’s so his type.’

‘Neither of their Zodiacs are compatible,’ said Alix, sipping her coffee.

Marinette side-eyed her. ‘Since when have you cared about the Zodiac?’

Rose said, ‘On which Zodiacs?’

‘Both of them.’ Said Alix. ‘Max is using the Western and Eastern Zodiacs for his latest programming project. The only time I don’t hear about it is when I’m asleep. And even them I’m dreaming about it half of the time.’

‘I’m guessing the other half is about the exam in roughly—oh,’ Alya checked her phone, ‘twenty-three minutes?’

Marinette dissolved into a puddle of goo. ‘When will the caffeine kick in?’

‘Hopefully soon, otherwise this is going to be one very short-lived shipping project.’ Alix downed the rest of her coffee.

Alya frowned. ‘Did you even study last night, or were you too busy studying the habits of _Lukagami Magnus_?’

‘I promise I studied more than you did.’

‘Remind me when we switched places?’

‘When Adrien’s family all but kidnapped me, forcing me to adopt several of GabeNath’s mannerisms and attitudes.’ Martinette pulled up an app on her tablet. ‘Nathalie is a surprisingly good matchmaker.’

Alix snorted. ‘Only because Abuela tells her who to set up. Nathalie only has to come up with the “how”.’

‘She’s a very efficient planner.’

Rose smiled and stared off into the distance. ‘I’m sure there’s a universe where she’s an award-winning wedding planner.’

‘And we’re shutting down the fanfiction writing now.’

Marinette studied the cup which had held her coffee. ‘What would I give to change this into a mimosa?’

‘Oh, sweet girl,’ said Alya. ‘It’s too early for champagne.’

‘My God, Césaire!’ yelped a voice. ‘Do you even French?’

The group turned and saw Chloe posing by a large potted palm tree. The sun glinted off of the diamonds on her latest pair of over-sized sunglasses.

Alya put her hands on her hips. ‘Quite well, according to Nino and a variety of undisclosed party games!’

Chloe rolled her eyes and strolled up. ‘Who’s needing a mimosa?’

Everyone raised a hand, even Alya.

‘That’s five—I’ll inform Jean-Louis to put champagne on for tomorrow’s brunch.’ She lifted her sunglasses. ‘I assume it’ll be the usual lot?’

‘Assuming Kagami hasn’t been locked in a tower by her mother,’ said Alix.

‘Or conjoined with Luka at the hip,’ muttered Juleka.

‘What’s your mom going to say?’ whispered Rose.

‘Good Riddance and More Power to Them.’

Marinette stood up and stretched.

‘It’s alive!’ cried Alix, jumping back, hands held in front of her face. ‘Oh, save me, Ladybug!’

‘I thought you wanted Chat Noir,’ drawled Chloe.

Alix shrugged. ‘I gave up. For a cat, he has terrible hearing.’

‘Did you try leaving pastries out?’ said Marinette, eyes bright and a bounce in her movements. ‘Most feral cats—’

‘Oh, he’s _feral_ , huh?’ Alya adjusted her glasses. ‘And how exactly did you find that out?’

‘I made the mistake of giving him a treat one night when he swung by,’ said Marinette unflinchingly. ‘Couldn’t go anywhere near my balcony for a month for fear of fleas.’

‘Did you try giving him another pastry?’ said Rose.

Marinette snorted. ‘And encourage him further?’

‘Let me guess,’ said Alix. ‘ _Adrikins_ —’

Chloe gave her a dirty look.

‘—Scared him off? A little posturing, just enough to declare him the winner of any looming love triangle?’

‘I hate you sometimes.’

Alix moonwalked away.

It would have been an impressive sight had she not immediately run over a Fourth Year and his dog. 

Marinette fled the classroom and ran for the nearest coffee shop.

Alix sprinted alongside her and checked her watch. ‘We have thirty-eight seconds!’

‘We’ll make it!’

They rounded the corner.

Sixteen metres to Heaven!

On the other side of the street, they could just make out the horde of recently-released students from Francois Dupont.

‘Faster!’ screeched Alix

‘I’m! Going! As! Fast!’ Marinette gasped for air. ‘As! I! Can!’

Alix used her newly lengthened arms to grab the door handle just as the light changed, allowing their opposition free access to the street. ‘Go! Go! Go!’

Marinette slipped through and jumped in the queue. ‘I have never been so thankful for your growth spurt.’

‘That makes two of us.’ Alix fanned her face with both hands.

The leader of this year’s batch of students glared at her as he stomped through the door.

Alix hissed at him.

His eyes widened but he calmly settled into the queue without arguing.

Marinette rubbed her eyes. ‘Three minutes, eight seconds.’

Alix bounced on her toes. ‘So glad you’re able to do this with me.’

The cold brew coffees were waiting on the counter. All they had to do was pay before jogging back to the school.

Marinette said, ‘If you had told past me I’d be downing multiple cold brews in a day, I would have laughed.’

‘And risked putting you in the hospital with an asthma attack? Please, give younger me a little credit.’

The light for the street flickered, ready to change.

The girls put on an extra burst of speed and charged across the street. Marinette half-jumped across the hood of a car. ‘Remind me to never wear white on bottom!’

‘How about pastels in general? They wash you out.’

'Rude!'

A familiar voice grunted.

‘Not now!’ yelled Marinette as they ran past the grey towncar. ‘Two more classes!’

The grunt came again, practically a shout this time.

They skidded to a stop, throwing up hands to protect the coffee from sloshing over—or worse, spilling.

They panted heavily at the bottom of the stairs leading up to the school.

Béatrice and Ciana ran ahead of the Gorilla, each secured by their backpack leads.

The Gorilla grasped the leads in one hand. In his other, he held out a stack of envelopes. 

Marinette took one and turned it over. Her name sprawled across the ivory linen-blend in Abuela’s distinctive handwriting. ‘What’s this?’

He shrugged and offered the stack of envelopes again.

‘All right.’ Marinette opened her shoulder bag enough to shove the envelopes in. ‘But we really have to go!’

'Later!' Alix took the steps two at a time.

‘I hate you!’ Marinette muttered, ‘I wish I could transform.’

‘What’s that?’

‘I wish I could transform! Y’know—into someone with actual height?’

‘Sucks to be you!’

They managed to hand out the coffees just before the teacher called everyone’s attention for the exam.

‘Deep breaths.’ Marinette closed her eyes and counted backwards from twenty.

The exam slid onto the desk in front of her and she picked up her pencil.


	12. La Telenovela Milagrosa: Episodio 171: La Noche de El Plaggo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Plagg hijacks the story to be dramatic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, apologies for botched Spanish.

The girls stood in a circle in the courtyard. Each held an envelope with their name on the front.

Marinette held three more envelopes in her hand: Kagami, Luka, and Nino. ‘Should we wait for them?’

‘I’m scared,’ whispered Rose, glancing at her friends. ‘Is Abuela some sort of godmother?’

‘She’s Spanish, not Italian,’ said Juleka, eyes fixed on the heavy envelopes. She took a deep breath, turned her over, and tore it open.

~Sixteen Hours Earlier~

The strumming of a guitar floats through the unseasonably warm evening air. El Plaggo—the ever-dashing hero of _La Telenovela Milagrosa **[1]**_ —hovers in the sultry air. He leans casually against the windowsill, head tilted back, studying the stars. In a low voice, he purrs, ‘ _Buenos noches,_ Tikki, _mi amor_.[2]’

The object of his affections looks at the rose in her paws. ‘Do I really have to wear this?’

He puffs on an imaginary cigar. ‘ _Esta por la estetica_ _de una telenovela **[3]**._’

Tikki puts the rose on her head. It falls into her face. Shaking it aside, she says, ‘How did you manage to become more dramatic than your Kitten?’

‘ _Porque—yo soy El Plaggo **[4]**!_’ He raises his tiny fists to the night sky, belting out his declaration with the passion of a thousand lifetimes.

The car alarms drown out the guitar music coming from the speaker in the window. Dogs bark. A cat yowls, receiving an answering scream from a darkened alley.

‘I just—I can’t take you seriously in this getup!’

‘ _No te gusta_?[5]’ He runs a paw along the edge of his sombrero, winking impishly.

‘It’s not the sombrero _per se_.’

‘ _Y el serape?_ ’[6]

Tikki turns a darker shade of red. ‘It’s that damned moustache hanging from a chain attached to the sombrero! Couldn’t you at least have stuck it on to your face directly?’

‘ _Nunca! **[7]**_ ’ He spins in the air. ‘ _Soy el Plaggo—_ ouch.’ He rubs his face where the swinging moustache hits it.

She blinks, unimpressed. ‘What did you do?’

‘ _Esta Abuela_.’[8]

‘Of course it’s Abuela. Get to the point, you Cheese Eating Heathen!’

El Plaggo clears his throats and poses against the balcony railing. ‘ _La Abuela tiene muchos invitationes por los amigos de nuestros gatitos. La primera de los invitationes estan aqui_.’[9]

‘And?’

He removes the tiny sombrero and presses it to his chest. ‘Uno momemto de silencio por El Padre.’ A wicked grin curls across his face. ‘ _Porqe el momento que Talia sabe—’ **[10]**_

‘Plagg!’ 

[1] The Miraculous Soap Opera

[2] ‘Good evening, Tikki, my love.’

[3] ‘It’s for the aesthetic of a soap opera.’

[4] ‘Because—I am The Plagg!’

[5] ‘You don’t like it?’

[6] ‘And the serape?’

[7] ‘Never!’

[8] ‘It’s Abuela.’

[9] ‘Abuela has many invitations for the friends of our kittens. The first of the invitations are here.’

[10] ‘A moment of silence for The Father…Because the moment that Nathalie knows—’


	13. ‘Your Presence Is Advised.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not horribly happy with this chapter, but I'm going to throw it up so we can get to the smoother writing that is cute Adrinette and all but one speaking Spanish with embarrassing French accents.

Everyone tore into the envelopes with their names on the outside.

Eyebrows rose, air was inhaled sharply, and a small gasp even escaped one pair of lips.

Alix looked up from her invitation first. ‘I presume it’s the same for everyone? A “cordial invitation” to spend Easter in the back-end of nowhere?’

‘Zarautz isn’t the middle of nowhere,’ said Marinette. ‘And “our presence is advised”. Completely different.’ 

‘If it’s not Paris, Rome, or Tokyo, it’s Nowhere.’

Juleka snorted.

‘Obviously our invitations say the same thing.’ Chloe tapped her invitation against her lips. True to the advertisement, the lipstick refused to adhere to the paper. ‘Now for the fun question: Who gets to tell Nathalie?’

Marinette immediately put her finger on her nose. ‘Nose goes!’

Alya eventually looked up from her invitation. She scowled when she realised everyone was staring at her. ‘Take advantage of my obsessive personality, why don’t you?’

‘Thanks! We’d love to!’ Marinette grabbed her bag, acting like she was about to leave.

‘Oh, no, you don’t!’ Alya collared her. ‘Did you know anything about this?’

Marinette half hid behind her portfolio case. ‘I knew there was a big fight about it.’

‘Define “fight” as per your Average Domestic Agreste Male.’

‘Adrien threatened to sleep with a feather pillow to get out of it.’

‘Dear God,’ whispered Chloe. She double-checked the address. ‘Oh, God!’

‘I don’t want to call Nathalie!’ shouted Alya.

‘Noes goes!’ Marinette stuck out her tongue.

Alya threw her hands in the air. ‘Who came up with that stupid game in the first place?’

‘Just do it!’ shouted the entire group.

Alya pouted and held out her hand. ‘Phone.’

‘You have her number,’ said Marinette.

‘Yeah, but if I use your phone then there’s a chance of speaking with her in the next fifteen minutes rather than the advised six to ten business days.’

‘Fair.’ Marinette handed over her phone.

Everyone crowded around Alya, listening to the ringing.

The line picked up.

‘Five minutes,’ said Nathalie curtly before hanging up.

Alya gave Marinette a triumphant look. ‘Told you so.’

Rose rubbed her hands together, equal parts excited and terrified.

Four minutes and eighteen seconds later, the phone rang.

‘Hi, Nathalie,’ said Alya with a broad, forced grin.

‘Alya?’ said Nathalie from her end of the line. ‘Why do you have Marinette’s phone?’

‘I drew the short straw but wanted to make sure I could actually get ahold of you.’

A moment of silence.

The girls crowded more closely around Alya.

Nathalie sighed. ‘What is it?’

‘Um, we have invitations for Easter.’ Alya rubbed one foot against her leg. ‘Invitations from Abuela to go to—’ She held up the invitation and squinted. ‘What even is Zah-Za—’

An explosive swear from the phone made them all jump.

The phone landed on the pavement, screen down.

They stared at the phone. They slowly looked up and at each other, wide-eyed.

Alix whispered, ‘Is she—?’

‘She’s coming,’ said Marinette, eyes still on her phone.

‘“Lord preserve us all”,’ murmured Chloe.

Alya sucked her lips in.

Rose gripped Juleka’s hand. ‘Do we wait for her?’

Marinette gave her a stern look. ‘She’s coming here. It’s tax seasons plus a government auditing team. We wait.’

A gust of wind tore across the courtyard. The warm sunshine scurried behind cloud cover.

Juleka wrapped an arm around Rose’s shoulders. ‘Maybe we should call Luka?’

Alya threw up her hands. ‘May as well call in everyone else who has an invitation!’

She jumped in Marinette’s direction as a clap of thunder split the air.

Marinette picked up her phone. She grimaced at the shattered screen.

‘Sorry, M,’ said Alya. ‘I’ll get you a new one. Somehow.’

‘I’ll send the bill to Nathalie on this one. She’s kind of used to it at this point. Or should be. Ciana broke the last one.’

Heavy drops splashed onto the school courtyard.

The group ran up the street and around the corner to a less convenient but significantly less crowded café.

Ten minutes later, they huddled around a corner tabler, cups of coffee and hot chocolate warming their chilled fingers.

Adrien and Nino arrived at the same time as an Agreste company van.

Reynard climbed out and spoke with them.

‘Looks like we’re being collected,’ said Juleka.

Adrien and Nino climbed back into the car.

Chloe picked up her bag. ‘I suppose we’ll see each other wherever they’re taking us.’

‘See you on the other side,’ said Alya.

The heiress snorted but clenched the handle of her umbrella more tightly.

The average human teenager can make it from the front drive to the front door of the Agreste mansion in 11.3 seconds. This of course is entirely dependent on there not being external atmospheric disturbances equal to or greater than the emotional turmoil within the house.

On hearing the familiar car engine and distance sound of The Voice of Her Boy, Phantom immediately sprinted from her pillow in the Kittens’ nursery, down the stairs, and to the foyer.

Halfway down the stairs, she skidded to a halt at the sight of her Soaking Wet Boy. Unfortunately for the solid mass of purrs and affection, physics held true to their nature, and the great ball of fur was hurled over the last several stairs and across the marble floor, subsequently landing in the quickly gathering puddle surrounding Her Boy and His Adopted Litter.

‘Poor girl.’ Adrien reached down and picked up Phantom. He reached out to pet her.

She nipped the hand before licking it dry. Sadly, he was an ever growing Kitten. Even with the lack of fur, it was going to take forever to get him dry, let alone the rest of the Litter.

Ears turned back in concentration, Phantom half-listened to chatter around her. The Milk Giver had stormed into the house not even ten minutes before, yelling at Abuela about an unfamiliar word. Whatever ‘blackmail’ meant, it didn’t involve her!

Based on the tension in Her Boy’s grip, however, perhaps it did after all.

Phantom’s whiskers twitched. Tikki would be proud of her for resisting such an obvious pun.

‘Abuela!’ cried The Milk Giver. ‘ _Primero:_ Why did you use the envelopes from my wedding invitations? _Y secundo:_ Why did you invite ten teens to the family Easter gathering? Are you planning on a second Harrowing of Hell?’

‘You remember your Sunday school lessons! I’m so proud of you!’ Abuela puffed with pleasure.

‘Can you please answer my questions? I was supposed to meet with the auditing team seventeen minutes ago!’

‘That’s plenty of time! We could bake bread in that time if you wanted to.’

‘ _Cha!_ ’ squealed Béatrice.

Phantom meowed at the Tiny Kitten before continuing to groom the Large Kitten.

Abuela distributed an armful of towels to the teens. ‘I thought Adrien might like some friends for when you come for Easter.’

When she planted a kiss on Adrien’s forehead, Phantom made sure to stick her chin out. Abuela kisses were always the best.

‘Abuela,’ said Nathalie, ‘you can’t invite people less than a week before we leave.’

‘ _Por que no?_ ’

Marinette wrapped her arms around Adrien, pressing her cheek into his shoulder.

Phantom mewed and licked her nose.

‘Thanks, kitty,’ said Marinette.

Adrien pouted. He rubbed his stubbly chin against the top of Phantom’s head.

‘They’re going! Like it or not, they’re going,’ said Abuela.

‘Have you asked their parents?’

‘They’re adults.’

The office doors flew open.

‘What is going on out here?’ bellowed Gabriel.

Finley hovered in the back, exchanging a look with Reynard.

The P.A. rolled his eyes and hugged the tablet more tightly.

Phantom noticed a tear rolling down Marinette’s cheek. She mewed and licked the kitten’s cheek.

Adrien’s phone rang, and he handed Phantom over to Marinette. ‘He—Nothing much. Just watching World War III roll out in my living room.’

Marinette planted her face into Adrien’s shoulder and groaned.

Phantom wanted nothing more than to herd the kittens upstairs and hiss at the adults. Alas, she was only a magnificent specimen amongst a horde of unusually tall humans.

Instead, she nipped Her Boy’s cheek.

‘Ow!’ He jerked away, bumping into Alya.

Marinette yelped as she flew towards the floor.

With true Mom Instinct™, Abuela reached out and grabbed her by collar, just stopping Marinette from making close acquaintance with the marble floor.

Phantom scrambled onto Marinette’s shoulder, prepared to leap for the relative safety of Alya’s shoulder.

Abuela patted Marinette on the head. ‘Perhaps you should go upstairs. Watch a film, play a game.’

‘Have a twenty-person study session?’ said Nino dryly.

‘Exactly,’ said Abuela. ‘By then, Talia will be much more amenable.’

Chloe raised an eyebrow and muttered to Adrien, ‘How about a study party which then dissolves into a sleepover because we fell asleep on our books and no one can fault us for studying like that?’

Adrien choked. ‘Sure! Everyone?’

The group hurried upstairs, everyone gripping their book bags and towels.

‘I feel like a refugee,’ said Chloe, squeezing water from her ponytail.

‘I don’t think refugees typically wear 500 euro flats,’ said Alya.

‘Play nice,’ said Rose. ‘Please? Nathalie and Abuela are both so stubborn—who knows when we’ll be allowed to leave?’

‘I’ll tell you when.’ Nino dropped into a chair and kicked his shoes off. ‘Adrien will be allowed to leave for his driving test next week. The rest of us will be allowed to leave two minutes before loading up into whatever vehicles will transport us to the middle of Nowhere.’

Juleka raised an eyebrow. ‘Dramatic much, Lahiffe?’

Adrien ran a hand through his hair and chuckled nervously. ‘Anyone hungry or need dry clothes?’

Phantom rolled onto her back, stuck one leg into the air, and licked the base of her tail.


	14. Keys to the Past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thank you for everyone's patience as I upload. Some family business of my own had reared up in conjunction with current events, making it difficult to write comedy. 
> 
> Stay safe and sound, everyone!

‘That is it!’

Everyone looked up from their studying. Marinette blinked owlishly from behind her reading glasses. 

Chloe threw her book into the sofa. ‘That is it! I have had it! I can’t take this anymore!’

She stomped across the room.

‘Sh!’ said Adrien. ‘The twins are in bed!’

‘Shut up, Adrikins!’ But she did make sure to close the door quietly.

Alya slid off the couch and pulled a blanket over her head.

Nino poked the blanket-covered form with his pencil. ‘Are we alive in there?’

She growled.

‘More importantly,’ said Adrien, charting a graph in his notebook, ‘are we studying in there?’

Alya flipped the blanket back. ‘I am studying the art of sleeping on a rug filled with cracker dust.’ She wriggled on the floor before kicking a rope-wrapped cat toy towards Adrien.

‘How’s that going?’ said Nino.

‘Honestly, not that far from home five years ago. Agreste, you may want to have a word with the maid.’

He smiled tightly. ‘I’m sure that’ll go down well.’

Nino rubbed his eyes, knocking his glasses off. ‘Is there any extra room in that blanket?’

‘Get your own,’ said Alya. 

‘What if I say you’re my dream girl?’

Alya raised an eyebrow. ‘Ah, yes, the dream girl in rumpled jeans and blanket hair.’

He smiled winningly. ‘The smudged makeup is adorable.’

‘You’re like a freaking cat.’ Alya rolled onto her side, lifting part of the blanket. ‘Come on in.’

‘Keep it PG,’ said Adrien, erasing and rewriting the equation.

‘Whatever,’ mumbled Alya, curling into a ball.

Adrien rolled his eyes at his friends and carried on with writing the equation.

Around him, everyone else slowly dropped off. The room filled with the sound of deep, even breaths and darkened as lights were turned off. 

The door popped open, and Phantom sauntered in. She stopped to scratch her head on his pencil.

‘Hey, girl.’ He rubbed her head, scratching her jaw just like she preferred. ‘Tired of sleeping with the twins already?’

Phantom winked a golden eye and trotted to his bed. She jumped up and settled on Marinette’s back.

Marinette shifted her position in her sleep and adjusted her arms around the pillow.

Adrien smiled fondly at the scene and looked back to his equation. A long line of pencil ran across the rest of the practice problems. ‘Really, cat?’

She squeezed her eyes shut and tucked her tail around her more securely.

He reached for the eraser only to find it had been knocked under the couch. ‘Really?’

Phantom watched Her Boy crawl across the floor and reach for the little rubber item. She chirped.

‘Sh!’ Adrien motioned to the room. ‘Don’t wake them!’

Both sat up straight at the distant sounds of a grand piano.

Adrien’s eyes widened. He climbed to his feet and tiptoed down the corridor.

Phantom followed close behind, tail twitching and ears pricking forward. 

Outside, the corridor lights were turned to their lowest setting. Adrien closed his eyes and followed the sound down the stairs. He clamped his mouth shut as he stepped on a small, pointy doll brush but carried on down a rarely used corridor.

Phantom stopped to sniff the brush but hurried after her boy before he could disappear. 

They stopped outside the old music room. No one had been there since his mother had died. Disappeared.

Adrien swallowed hard. Whatever. Whatever had happened to her, she wasn’t there— _here_ —anymore. As long as Father remembered to keep moving forward, to not look back, it was okay.

It was okay.

The music stopped. A piano bench scraped the floor.

Adrien stopped outside the not-entirely-closed door and pressed his ear to the crack.

The faint sound of a pencil scratching against paper, a thoughtful _hmm_ in his father’s voice.

When the piano began playing again, Adrien risked a look through the crack.

His father sat at the piano, his back to the door, staff paper spilling around him. Some was yellowing while several sheets were almost pristine. From the crack in the door, Adrien recognised two different handwriting styles.

He bit his lip and dug his fingernails in the palm of his hand.

Gabriel played three very unfinished bars, nodded, and plunked out a series of notes.

The notes felt familiar, but Adrien couldn’t remember hearing anything like it. Not classical, not rock, nothing that he had played in the countless years of music lessons.

A soothing, six-eight time signature slowly emerged, urging his muscles to relax.

Adrien sat down outside the door and pressed his head against the wall, hands buried in the pocket of his sweatshirt. His mind filled in the non-existent counter-melody. It would be a beautiful composition.

His legs stretched out along the rug, his bare feet playing with the tassels of a fringed chair.

Phantom remained sitting at the crack in door. Her tail curled around her body, but the tip twitched in time to the music.

The shuffling of papers, paper clicking against the music rack, and the full melody played with confidant tones.

Adrien hugged himself and closed his eyes. How had he forgotten why he had taken up piano in the first place?

The music danced around him, lulling him into a place of warm familiarity.

Safety. That’s what it was.

He breathed deeply and fully, his chin reaching for his chest.

A gentle hand woke him from his doze.

Nathalie, clad in a dressing gown, helped him stand. ‘Go to bed.’

Adrien nodded and stumbled along the corridor, Nathalie’s hand still on his shoulder.

Behind them, the piano continued playing.

Four hands, mumbled a part of Adrien’s brain. The piano parts needed four hands to be played properly.

When they reached the foyer, Adrien said, ‘Why is Father composing?’

‘I though we agreed you wouldn’t ask questions so close to your birthday,’ said Nathalie.

Adrien stopped short, causing Nathalie to run into him. ‘The twins miss you.’

‘They’ll survive.’

He rubbed one leg against the other. ‘Father misses you. He only played piano this late at night whenever Mother was gone for too long.’

‘It’s almost midnight.’ Nathalie stood on her toes and kissed his forehead. ‘Go to sleep. You’ll think more clearly in the morning.’

She wheezed when Adrien enveloped her in a bone-crushing hug.

‘I miss you, too.’

Nathalie pried her arms free and returned the hug. ‘I know. But you really do need to go to bed.

‘Yes, Mom.’

‘Now.’

He gave a final squeeze and ran upstairs, Phantom close behind. 

In the bedroom, Nino and Alya slept at one end of the couch. Juleka and Rose slept on the other side, their hands clasped together.

Phantom returned to her position on Marinette’s back.

A pencil stuck from Rose’s hair. Adrien removed it lest it poke an eye out.

With a sigh, he lay down on the bed and pushed Phantom off Marinette’s back. ‘My turn.’

Phantom licked herself in an offended manner before jumping off the bed.

Adrien curled around Marinette and buried his nose in the back of her neck. He fell asleep to the distant sound of piano music floating through the house.

It was after one when Nathalie returned to the music room. She sat on the piano bench beside Gabriel and watched his hands manipulate the black and white keys.

He paused mid-phrase. ‘Am I keeping you awake?’

She lay her head on his shoulder. ‘Keep playing; I like it.’

‘I’ve reached the end of the written music.’

‘Play something else,’ she said, eyes closed.

Gabriel’s hands hovered over the keys for a minute. Softly, he played a familiar nocturne.

Like Adrien two hours earlier, Nathalie’s breathing evened and deepened.

It felt like minutes, but the pain in her back said it had been nearly an hour when Gabriel kissed her temple and released the keys. ‘Time for bed,’ he said.

‘Mm.’ She tightened her grip on his arm.

He smoothed the hair form her face. ‘I’ve missed this.’ He lowered his forehead to hers. 'I've missed you.' 

Nathalie adjusted her position on his shoulder and sighed with contentment.

The hall clock gently chimed the hour.

‘You’re going to be late for work,’ said Gabriel.

Nathalie stretched and pushed him off the bench. ‘They’ll survive.’

He dragged her to her feet. ‘Yes, but will I when you’re fighting guilt in the morning and rushing off to bite Reynard’s head off again?’

‘He deserves every bit of it,’ she said though a yawn. ‘I caught him explaining to your new E.A. what our different habits mean.’

‘And?’ Gabriel guided her up the stairs.

‘The terminology was decidedly unprofessional.’

‘Have you been drinking?’

‘Don’t be ridiculous.’

Sensing his distress, Nathalie stopped in the middle of the landing. She cupped his chin with her hand. ‘I’m being careful, Gabriel. Trust me.’

He kissed the palm of her hand. ‘With my life.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that got surprisingly sappy! The next chapter promises more sarcasm and snark, so prepare for a quick shift back to our more regular programming. Yes, the road trip is finally happening.


	15. Kind of a Big Dill

Adrien woke to the sunshine pouring into his bedroom. The patch of sunlight coupled with Marinette in his arms encouraged several more minutes of dozing.

Something tapped against his eyelids.

He opened them to Plagg and Tikki hovering directly in front of him. ‘Yikes!’

‘Good morning to you as well,’ whispered Tikki.

Adrien sat up, a hand pressed over his heart. ‘I thought you were supposed to be the sweet one,’ he hissed at Tikki.

‘But I am!’ she said, suspiciously innocent.

‘Plagg never gets in my face like that!’

‘Really?’ She looked at her partner. ‘He loves you more than I thought. Plagg always wakes his Chosens by tapping on their eyelids.’

Plagg made a rude noise. ‘No need to get sentimental over here. But breakfast would be great.’

‘You have exactly 46 minutes before needing to leave for school,’ said Tikki.

All three looked at the sleeping Marinette.

‘Maybe hold Camembert under her nose?’ said Plagg.

Adrien looked around the room. Scattered school supplies and rumpled blankets were the only evidence of the sleepover study party. ‘Where is everyone?’

‘Eating.’

‘Great. Only one thing to do.’ Adrien nipped Marinette’s neck.

She squeaked in her sleep and curled up more tightly, trying to protect her neck.

‘Purr-incess! It’s an a-meow-zing day today!’

An eyebrow twitched.

‘That’s your plan?’ said Plagg. ‘Pun her awake?’

‘It’s kinder than shoving Camembert up her nose.’

A croaky Marinette said, ‘They’re on par, frankly.’

‘Fascinating,’ said Tikki. ‘Nothing else ever wakes her up this quickly!’

Marinette sat up and fixed her Kwami with a glare. ‘Bé ‘n’ Cici,’ she said before yawning.

Adrien nibbled on her neck. ‘Mar-in-e-ette! Wakey-wakey!’

She rolled over and buried her face in his chest.

He nuzzled her. ‘Princess? Please, wake up.’

‘No.’

‘Even if it’s for food?’

She lifted her head and squinted at him with one eye. ‘Breakfast in bed?’

Adrien pouted even as his chest tightened. ‘You are too damnably cute.’

‘Only as long as you’re getting me food.’

‘I’d like to say something witty, but given that your family has kept me for an entire weekend multiple times with the sheer power of croissants—’

Marinette groaned and rolled over him. She landed on the floor and shook her head, dark hair flying around her head.

Adrien pressed his chin into the mattress and stared at her in complete adoration. ‘No one should be this cute this early.’

‘Forty-three minutes,’ said Tikki, flying around her Chosen.

Marinette reached out and grabbed the Kwami. ‘Hush.’

Tikki wriggled free and nudged Marinette to her feet. ‘You need to eat for your tests.’

‘I hate you.’

Plagg cackled.

Tikki fixed him with A Look. ‘Don’t you need your Chosen to pass his exams to keep you in Cheese?’

‘She’s right.’ Adrien stood up and stretched, his shirt riding halfway up his stomach.

Marinette smiled with contentment at the sight. ‘Now there’s a good way to greet the morning,’ she said, putting her hair in a top knot.

Adrien posed and flexed. ‘Y’like?’

‘Breakfast! Now!’ wailed Plagg. 

When they continued to ignore him, he bristled and said, ‘Don’t make me send Phantom in.’

A black whirlwind tore through the open door, and Phantom chirped innocently.

Adrien and Marinette looked at the cat.

She tilted her head.

‘Either she sensed tension,’ said Marinette.

‘Or she came as soon as she heard.’ Adrien scooped up his cat. ‘Fine, Plagg. You win.’

Phantom crawled onto Her Boy’s shoulders, and Marinette took his hand.

As they went down the main staircase, the doorbell rang.

A yellow dressing gown- and slipper-wearing Chloe happened to be walking by. She stopped and checked the peephole. ‘You have got to be joking!’

‘Who is it?’ said Adrien.

The heiress’ scowl deepened. She yanked open the door. ‘You.’

Felix’s eyebrows rose a fraction of an inch before settling back into practiced impartiality. ‘Good morning.’ His eyes flicked over Chloe’s short dressing gown and over to Adrien and Marinette’s clasped hands. ‘Adrien.’

‘Felix!’ Adrien handed Phantom to Marinette before running to hug his cousin. ‘What are you doing here?’

Felix kindly submitted to the hug before stepping back. He motioned to the two rolling suitcases. ‘The powers that be have banished me here for the foreseeable future.’

Adrien grinned. ‘Aunt Amelie finally got tired of your shit?’

Chloe snickered.

Felix pointedly ignored Chloe and fixed Adrien with glare.

‘Mind your language,’ said Nathalie, a mug in one hand and her tablet in the other. She looked up from the tablet. ‘So glad you could join us, Felix.’

‘You knew?’ said Adrien. ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’

Nathalie narrowed her eyes at Felix before looking at step-son. ‘If you recall, quite a bit happened last night. Felix’s addition to our party was rather a last minute detail.’

Felix grimaced. ‘I’m also here as courier.’ He kicked one of the suitcases. ‘Mother insisted I give this Uncle Gabriel personally.’

‘He’s in the music room,’ said Nathalie. ‘I’ll show you—’

‘I remember where it is.’ Felix took the handle on his bags and wheeled them down the corridor.

Marinette, Chloe, Adrien, and Nathalie stared after the retreating figure.

‘Rough trip?’ said Adrien.

‘Whatever.’ Chloe went upstairs, her nose in the air.

Marinette said to Nathalie, ‘What was that about?’

Nathalie sipped her coffee and grimaced. ‘Felix and I had a bit of a dust-up during his last visit.’

Adrien huffed. ‘All we learned from that experience is that you know us better than our own parents.’ His nose twitched. ‘Both sets.’

‘Mm.’ Nathalie looked to her right and ran up the stairs. ‘Béatrice! No!’

The toddler froze in her position on the railing and stared at her mother with wide eyes.

As Nathalie manoeuvred her child off (careful to drop neither tablet nor coffee), Adrien hissed, ‘Plagg!’

The Kwami buzzed down the stairs, grinning with satisfaction. ‘Food time!’ he said before disappearing into Adrien’s pocket.

‘You’re lucky you’re indestructible,’ said Adrien.

Marinette dragged them off to the dining room.

Plagg drawled, ‘You’re lucky I deal with you.’

Tikki poked her head out of Marinette’s top knot and glared at her other half.

‘About time you showed up!’ Alya speared a sausage from its platter. ‘Anything Nino hasn’t eaten is getting cold.’

‘You say as you eat an entirely new sausage,’ said Nino, gulping down half a cup of tea. ‘Where’ve you been?’

‘Felix is here,’ said Adrien, taking a seat by Marinette.

Alya took a pointed bite of her sausage. ‘Son of a bitch.’

‘That is my aunt you’re talking about.’ Adrien accepted the cup of coffee from Marinette.

‘You're not exactly wrong,' said Marinette. 

Adrien sipped his coffee and gagged. ‘Who the hell ordered decaf?’

‘No idea,’ said Rose from her end of the table.

Alya said, ‘I wanted to ask for regular. With all of the exams today—’

‘Dude,’ said Nino, ‘don’t you have your driver’s test today?’

Adrien groaned and planted his face into the table. ‘Don’t remind me.’

Marinette gave him a sympathetic look and picked up his plate. ‘What’ll you have?’

‘What’s going to help me remember the content for six different exams in the next three days?’

‘Six? I thought you only had five.’

He turned his head to look at her. ‘That includes the driving test.’

Rose swallowed a bite of eggs. ‘But you don’t turn eighteen for another week.’

‘It’s because of the Easter holidays.’

Marinette loaded Adrien’s plate up. ‘Whatever it is, please, just pass the stupid thing. I’m tired of driving lessons.’

Nino grinned. ‘He could always get lessons from Waipo!’

‘Shut up, Lahiffe!’ Marinette’s eyes were wide. ‘She will hear you!’

‘Wha—never mind.’ Adrien sat up and tried to drink his decaf coffee. ‘I have to pass it. Nathalie said that if I fail my test, then I’m leaving on Thursday morning.’

‘So don’t fail the test,’ said Alya with a shrug. 

‘It’s not that easy!’

‘It’s a driving test in Paris.’ Marinette shook a spoon at him. ‘We both have exams through Friday. There’s a lot riding on your ability to do this.’

Adrien widened his eyes and blinked, hands clasping as his lower lip quivered.

‘Oh, no! I am not missing my exam to leave early for Easter!’


	16. And Now, a Roadtrip

Marinette sat with crossed arms in the back of the van. Her fingers drummed on her bicep, and her foot tapped against the driver’s seat.

Tikki nibbled on a macaron behind her suitcase, eyes closed both in pleasure and in an attempt to ignore the tension. A large box of macarons sat in the front passenger seat, the better to keep cool from the air conditioning.

The sliding door opened, and Adrien threw himself across the seat. His face landed in Marinette’s lap while his toes brushed the concrete courtyard. ‘I hate everything.’

She continued to stare ahead, a muscle twitching from her clenched jaw.

He looked up, resting his chin on her leg. ‘My Lady?’

Shouting came from the front door of the mansion.

Phantom sprinted out, her fur bouncing with the exertion. She leapt into the van and picked her way over the Boy and across the assorted luggage. The cat hunkered down behind Marinette’s legs and hissed softly at the open door.

Tikki offered a bite of her treat to the cat.

‘Br,’ said Phantom before taking a dainty bite.

‘Ugh!’ Plagg popped out from the cat’s collar. He looked from Marinette to Adrien and back again. ‘I don’t think she’s in a forgiving mood, kid.’

Adrien rolled onto his back and attempted to look kittenish. When this failed to elicit a reaction, he gave a gentle, ‘Meow?’ and blepped.

‘Phantom! _Vienes aqui! Ahora!_ ’[1]

Phantom folded herself more snugly between the metal support and a briefcase-sized case. She squeezed her eyes shut as Plagg and Tikki snuggled around her tail.

Marinette unclenched her jaw enough to say, ‘A Spanish Nathalie is a Furious Nathalie.’

‘You sound just like Father.’

‘Gosh, really?’

Adrien ground the heels of his hands into his eyes. ‘Look, I passed the driver’s test!’

‘Did you, though?’ Her eyes turned steely. ‘Do you have the proof in your hand?’

He rolled onto his stomach again, chin pressing into her legs. He sighed in frustration. ‘I’m still sorry. And technically I passed it, so blame the fine print-writing family members.’

When she made no acknowledgement, he sat up and slipped off the book bag. ‘Look, I’m as upset as you are about taking the exams early.’

Marinette tightened her grip on her arms but did look at him enough to say, ‘But did you have to deceive us like that?’

‘It’s not that big of a deal.’

Plagg said, ‘You must be truly upset to miss that pun.’

‘I’ll make it up later.’ Adrien slumped in the seat, hugging a travel pillow to his chest. ‘Just like everything else.’

‘Adrien,’ said Marinette. ‘It’s not that big of a deal.’

He bit his lip and looked at her. ‘Promise?’

She softened and touched his cheek. ‘It’s not the end of the world. Just the end of this week.’

‘Fair.’ He ran a hand through his hair. ‘It’s just…the parentals are so upset. I can only imagine how upset Father is.’

‘If half of what Finley said is true, then your father is too busy apologising to be upset.’

Adrien frowned. ‘What do you mean?’

‘Silly Kitty.’ The last of Marinette’s angry oozed away. ‘Nathalie’s stressed because Gabriel’s trying to install a pool.’

‘He’s what?’ Adrien gaped before bursting into laughter, startling cat and Kwamis below. ‘And how does he think installing a pool is going to make up for rubbish vision and blue-green colour blindness?[2]’

‘Ah. Is that why there are angry Spanish sounds coming from the house?’

Adrien jumped and looked over his shoulder. ‘Got a problem with that, Tsurugi?’

‘Not at all.’ Kagami relaxed into her seat and adjusted the headphones around her neck. ‘It’s a nice break from disappointed Japanese sounds.’

Marinette reluctantly nodded.

‘I mean, fair.’ Adrien frowned and did a double-take. ‘Wait. What are you doing here?’

‘Oh, I’m not.’ Kagami upended an energy drink and hiccoughed. ‘I’m an illusion caused by an excess of stress and steamed radish.’

‘I haven’t had any steamed radish,’ said Adrien, rubbing his stubbly chin, ‘but the stress sounds about right.’

Kagami grinned. In a flat, electronic tone reminiscent of an old voice recorder, she said, ‘Kagami is at music lessons right now, but she would much rather be on her way to a resort town with her friends.’

‘Ah! You’ve uncovered the secret of astral projection!’

‘Nino would blame it on the Force,’ said Marinette.

‘Where is the little beggar?’

‘He and Alya are coming with Chloe.’

Adrien rubbed the back of his neck. ‘Now there’s a road trip. How many speeding fines do you think the chauffeur will risk?’

Kagami said, ‘How many euros for a bottle of _Adrien_?’

‘Oh, come on!’

‘How did it go? _Radiant!_ ’

Marinette turned scarlet as Adrien cried, ‘No!’

Kagami tossed her hair. ‘ _Carefree!_ ’

Adrien buried his face in the travel pillow.

Kagami rested her elbows on the back of the seat and mockingly sighed, ‘ _Dreamy_.’

‘ _Adrien_ ,’ choked Marinette, her face turning even redder. ‘ _The Fragrance_.’

‘I hate you.’

Kagami fake punched him. ‘Buckle up, Chuckles Jr. It’s going to be a long ride, and I refuse to listen to screaming trumpets the entire way there.’

‘The screaming trumpets are only for cleaning days.’

‘By that argument, every day is a cleaning day.’

‘She’s not wrong,’ said Marinette.

‘Does Abuela even know that you’re coming with us?’ said Adrien as he buckled up.

‘Me? Yes. The cat?’ Kagami side-eyed Phantom.

Phantom jumped across Marinette and settled in Kagami’s lap with a throaty purr.

Kagami scratched the cat’s chin. ‘Why do you have to make it so difficult to rat you out?’

Phantom leaned into the head scritches, ears back with pleasure. 

From the house, a clear baritone yelled in English, ‘You’re not my mother!’

‘Car! Now!’ snapped Nathalie, also in English.

‘Oh, fuck.’ Adrien buried his face in his hands.

Phantom hurried back to her hiding spot with the Kwamis.

Felix marched out of the house, a silver rolling suitcase in hand. A muscle twitched in his cheek as he stopped by the open door. ‘This is all your fault.’

‘How?’ said Adrien. ‘I didn’t even know you were coming!’

As Felix started to answer, Kagami leaned forward and grinned, exposing all of her teeth.

Felix shuddered and put his suitcase with the rest of the luggage.

‘Ready for the road trip?’ said Marinette in far too bright of a tone.

‘One would think I’d travelled enough this week.’ Felix ducked under Adrien’s seat belt and found space on the back bench.

Kagami kindly slid to the far end and moved her belongings to the middle section. ‘You came from London to Paris. It’s not exactly that long of a trip.’

‘I had my passport stamped, didn’t I?’

Adrien buried his head in Marinette’s shoulder. ‘Why is he here?’

‘It’s here or the back garden.’

He sat up and gave Marinette a sceptical look. ‘You’re not serious?’

She blinked innocently. ‘Bé and Cici helped plant the new roses. A little more dirt there won’t hurt.’

‘I can hear you,’ said Felix.

Underneath the bench, Plagg groaned and flopped onto his back.

Marinette turned around and smiled. ‘That’s wonderful! We have a lot of corn fields to drive through. It’d be a pity for you to get lost in them because you can’t see or hear your way back to the car!’

Kagami said, ‘You’ll also have a chance of avoiding any chanclas the aunts and uncles send your way.’

‘What’s a chancla?’ said Felix.

Abuela climbed into the driver’s seat and settled in. ‘Is everyone ready?’ She straightened the mirror. ‘We’re going to have a good trip!’

No one answered.

‘I said “We are going to have a good trip”. Do you understand?’

‘Yes, Abuela,’ said three of the teens.

Abuela fixed Felix with a steely look. ‘ _Comprendes, niño? **[3]**_ ’

‘Yes, ma’am,’ he said through clenched teeth.

‘ _Que bueno,_ ’ she said drily. ‘ _Un otro mas **[4]**_.’

As Abuela started the car, Adrien looked over his shoulder and said, ‘Dude, if you get a shoe thrown at you, it is on your own damned head.’

Felix responded with two fingers of his own.

Kagami rolled her eyes and slid her headphones on.

[1] ‘Phantom! Get back here! Now!’

[2] Shout-out to user mostlovedgirl for the idea of Gabriel trying to apologise by way of a pool as well as portions of the script! So glad I took a screen cap of the comments because there are a lot.

[3] ‘Understand, boy?’

[4] ‘Oh, good. Another one.’


	17. ‘[Queue] it again, Sam.’

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It is 8.5 hours from Paris to Zarautz without road works (10 hours for the route which avoids road works as of June 2020). May God have mercy on their sanity for I shall not.

They weren’t even out of Paris proper when the first disaster struck.

Abuela inserted a CD into the player and pressed play. Cheerful music filled the van.

Kagami pulled the headphones away from one ear and frowned.

Felix buried his nose further in his e-reader.

Everyone jumped as an overly chipper voice belted, ‘ _Hola, amigos!_ That means—’

‘Gah-ah!’ Marinette flailed, sending a bag of pistachios flying. ‘What the hell?’

Phantom snuck a paw out from under the bench and pulled it close.

Abuela smiled into the mirror and changed lanes.

‘Um, Abuela?’ said Adrien. ‘Aren’t we a little further along in our language skills than a basic CD?’

‘It’s never a bad idea to review the basics.’

‘—Can you say “ _pelota_ ”? Say “ _pelota_ ”!’

‘Kill me,’ whispered Felix.

Kagami opened one eye. ‘That can be arranged,’ she murmured in Japanese.

‘Say “ _pelota_ ”, you monster,’ said Marinette.

‘Why?’

‘It’s to help avoid _la chancla_.’

‘What’s a chancla? And can you eat it?’

Adrien shook his head. ‘And to think I was once as naïve as you were.’

Felix’s snooty expression gave way to confusion. ‘What’s a chancla?’

~Forty Minutes Later~

‘I swear: Touch my fucking lemon drops one more time—!’

‘Or what?’

‘We’re locking you in a closet with Chloe.’

‘Fuck you!’

‘ _Chico_ , hand me the other CD pack—yes, the one marked “Barcelona, Summer ‘99”.’

‘Is this your grandma’s way of saying we need Jesus?’

‘Kagami, can I borrow your headphones?’

‘What happened to those fancy wireless headphones?’

‘Please!’

‘ _Today’s sermon is from the third chapter of Revelations…_ ’

‘What will you give me?’

‘Whatever it takes! I can’t take another sermon on the Church in Laodicea!’

~34 ½ Minutes Later~

Adrien rummaged through Marinette’s bag.

She removed one earbud. ‘What are you looking for?’

‘A sign.’ He found a pad of sticky notes. ‘This works.’ He scribbled _Out of Order_ and stuck the paper on his forehead.

‘ _…in speaking to the church in this manner, the Apostle John promised hope…_ ’

Adrien shoved Kagami’s noise cancelling headphones on and sighed with relief.

~54 Minutes Later~

Adrien balanced the selection of snacks in his arms and rounded the corner to where Kagami and Felix were studying the different brands of bottled water.

‘Anyone know where Marinette is?’ said Kagami, swinging the shopping basket.

‘I got this.’ Adrien dumped the snacks into the basket. He cupped his hands around his mouth and shouted, ‘Adrien Agreste is nothing but a pretty face!’

A grandmother behind them nodded. ‘He certainly is.’

Felix snickered. 

Adrien gave them both an irritated look. ‘Chat Noir is as useless as—!’

A display rack of something clattered form the other side of the store.

‘There she is!’ Adrien took the basket from Kagami and smoothed his hair.

‘I’m disappointed that the comment about Adrien didn’t bring your girlfriend of all people to defend you,’ said Felix.

Kagami said, ‘Are you kidding? She’s usually the first person to agree.’

A British accent said, ‘Hey, Penny! Look who it is!’

The group turned around.

‘Hello, Adrien,’ said Penny Rolling. ‘What are you doing here?’

‘And where’s Marinette?’ said Jagged Stone. ‘I thought you two were inseparable!’

Angry French came from two aisles over.

‘Sorry, ma’am!’ squeaked Marinette as she rounded the corner. ‘Jagged! Penny!’

‘There she is!’ Jagged Stone held out his arms and scooped Marinette up in a hug. ‘What are you all doing this far out from Paris?’

‘We’re on our way to family event,’ said Adrien.

Penny frowned. ‘Don’t you all have exams this week?’

‘Finished early,’ said Kagami.

‘Failed an eye exam,’ said Adrien, rubbing the back of his neck. He gave a thumbs up. ‘But I passed my driving test!’

Marinette side-eyed Adrien and held up an ‘I’m with Stupid’ shirt. ‘What do you think?’

Adrien pouted, shoulders slumping. ‘Really, My Lady?’

Jagged and Penny looked at Felix.

He stared back unblinking.

‘Pst, Adrien!’ said Jagged in a stage whisper. ‘What’s with the creepy clone?’

‘Sorry,’ said Adrien. ‘This is my cousin, Felix.’

Jagged crossed his arms. ‘Bit of a stick up his arse, eh?’

Penny jabbed him in the side with her elbow. ‘Jagged!’

He shrugged. ‘What?’

~34 Minutes Later~

‘… _and the congregation says, Amen_.’

‘ _Amen_ ,’ said the crowd on the CD.

Adrien took a deep breath. ‘Okay, now for some music. Please, Abuela?’

‘No whining.’ She reached back and patted his knee. ‘But you have listened without complaining. And as it’s your birthday soon, you may pick the music for the next hour.’

‘Yes! Pass the aux cord!’

Felix looked up from his book on international law. ‘You’d better not play any of that anime nonsense.’

Adrien turned around. ‘Okay, _primero_ —’

From the front seat, Abuela twitched at his accent.

‘Anime has been hugely instrumental in bringing orchestral music back to mainstream cartoons. _Y secundo_ —’

Marinette leaned forward and rested a sympathetic hand on Abuela’s shoulder.

‘You can stop,’ said Felix. ‘You’re embarrassing yourself and slowly killing the driver.’

Marinette attempted a silent and discreet look of relief.

Kagami’s eyes remained closed, a soft smile on her face.

Abuela said, ‘It’s marginally preferred to yet another twelve rounds of _The Wheels on the Bus_.’

‘Oh, yeah!’ Adrien cackled. ‘Father’s going to be so frazzled by the time they show up.’

‘What makes you think they’re coming?’ said Felix.

‘It’s in Finley and Reynard’s best interests,’ said Abuela casually.

Felix’s eyes widened as he looked from Adrien to Abuela and back again.

Adrien nodded somberly. ‘Nathalie at her finest is nothing compared to her.’

Felix paled and retreated back within his book.

‘Are you really going to turn on anime music?’ said Marinette.

‘Don’t be ridiculous.’

‘Jagged Stone?’

Adrien plugged the aux cord into his phone and pressed play.

The slow notes of a tuba played.

Marinette gave Adrien a questioning look.

He leaned back in his seat, hands folded behind his head.

‘ _If you like to talk to tomatoes_ …’

Abuela cackled. ‘Good choice, _chico_!’

‘What is this?’ said Felix.

The music picked up, and Adrien belted out, ‘ _Veggie Ta-a-ales! Veggie Ta-a-ales!_ ’

Felix’s brow knit in worry. ‘Do I even want to know?’

Kagami slid her headphones off. ‘It’s described as anime for Christians.’

‘Why does that make the situation sound even worse?’

‘You know what _Veggie Tales_ is?’ cried Adrien, pressing his hands against his face in glee.

Kagami slid down in her seat. ‘Ugh.’

~42 Minutes Later~

The playlist ended while the car idled in the middle of road works.

Felix dove over the middle bench and grabbed the aux cord.

Kagami nudged his feet away from her face before continuing to stare outside.

‘What are you doing?’ Adrien shoved Felix’s knees away.

‘We are _not_ listening to anymore children’s music!’

Abuela smacked Felix on the head. ‘Get back in your seat.’

‘We haven’t moved in eight minutes!’

Marinette pulled on her hair. ‘You are _begging_ to get beat into next week with a slipper! Be an adult and sit down!’

Felix jammed the aux cord into his phone and pressed play. He promptly locked the phone and crawled backwards into his seat.

Kagami said, ‘And I thought it was the Agreste side that was responsible for all the dramatics.’

Adrien said to Felix, ‘You’d better not have turned any trash on!’

Marinette frowned. ‘I don’t recognise this.’

‘I do,’ said Kagami, her face slowly turning red. ‘Turn it off. Now.’

Felix crossed his arms. ‘What’s wrong? Can’t handle a little EXO?’

Adrien and Marinette slid as far away as their seatbelts allowed.

Felix yelped as Kagami beat him with her shoe.

‘We’re moving, children!’ Abuela put the car into gear. ‘Finally.’

Beneath the bench, the Kwamis and Phantom groaned and face planted into the floor.

~95 Minutes Later~

The K-pop debacle had given way to another sermon series. Kagami and Felix dozed in their respective seats, their bags forming a barrier between them.

Plagg scoped out the scene and flew up to Adrien’s ear. ‘We are _starving_ down there, Kid! And Phantom really needs a litter box.’

Phantom stuck her head out and blinked her large golden eyes.

Adrien reached down and pet her. ‘Abuela?’

‘ _Si_?’

‘Can we stop for lunch soon? Also, Phantom needs a litter pan.’

‘Phantom?’ She glanced back. ‘ _Phantasma!_ _Por que?_ ’[1]

Phantom gave a pitiful meow.

Abuela clicked her tongue. ‘Five minutes.’

‘Thanks, Abuela.’ Adrien picked up his cat and cuddled her. One thumb scratched behind her ear. ‘Just a little longer, purr-incess.’

‘Did you know she was here?’ said Abuela.

‘Sort of? I think I saw her get into the car, but with everything going on…’

‘I understand.’ She reached back and held his hand. ‘This will be good for all of us. I’m glad Phantom can be here with us.’

Twenty minutes and a trip to the pet store later, Phantom twined around Adrien’s ankles, her purrs making the windows rattle.

Adrien wrapped her in a sweatshirt and placed her on the seat. ‘We’ll be back soon.’

She curled up and tucked her nose under her tail.

Abuela locked the car doors and escorted the children to a small restaurant in the same parking lot.

They walked in and were immediately greeted with a ‘Hey, look who it is!’

‘Jagged and Penny!’ cried Marinette. ‘What are you doing here?’

‘Grabbing a bite to eat before finishing our trip.’ Jagged waved his fork. ‘It’s never good to arrive hungry.’

Abuela cleared her throat.

Penny raised an eyebrow at Jagged Stone. ‘You’ve never been to a proper grandmother’s, have you?’

Jagged Stone had the grace to look abashed. ‘Old Gran couldn’t make anything that didn’t come in a box or a tin. Spotted dick and toad in the hole were pretty par for the course.’

‘Oh-kay,’ said Adrien. ‘Um, glad to see you again.’

Jagged and Penny exchanged a look.

‘Why don’t you join our table?’ said Penny. ‘Food always tastes better with friends.’

The teens looked at Abuela.

‘We’d love to,’ said Abuela. ‘Thank you for the invitation.’

‘Fantastic!’ Jagged jumped up and pulled out a chair for Abuela. ‘Order whatever you want, everyone. My treat!’

Kagami murmured in Marinette’s ear, ‘Uncle Jagged to the rescue again.’

Marinette giggled and took a menu. 

[1] ‘Phantom? Why?’


	18. The Wake Up Call Task Force

Finley and Reynard stood outside the tall, white doors of the mansion's master suite.

‘How fired are we going to be for this?’ said Finley, tapping her foot on the marble floor.

Reynard snorted. ‘Forget fired. More like sleeping at the bottom of the Seine.’

Finley sighed and looked at the paper list in her hand. ‘“To wake the domestic Sancoeur-Agreste, insert coffee into speaking apparatus and press—”’

‘Are you _sure_ Adrien didn’t write this?’

‘Can you imagine him hijacking Señora Ochoa’s email?’

‘Well, no. But he has borrowed her phone on occasion.’

The wail of a toddler shattered the mansion’s stillness.

‘I’ll take care of that.’ Reynard sprinted away, his dark hair waving in the breeze.

‘Traitor!’

‘Sh! Don’t wake the monster.’

Finley pulled on her braid before turning back to face the doors. ‘I am so fired.’ She knocked lightly and waited.

The baby quieted for a minute before breaking into shrill screams.

Finley raced down the corridor. ‘What did you do?’

‘I don’t know!’ Reynard awkwardly held a red-faced Ciana out.

Backing away, Finley said, ‘Don’t hand her to me! I don’t know anything about kids!’

Reynard scowled at Ciana. ‘Stop that.’

She stopped crying enough to scowl back, her chubby jaw jutting out in a fair imitation of her parents.

‘Well, that’s terrifying.’ Reynard’s eyes lit up. ‘Oh! I know what we can do!’ He picked his way across the nursery and reached into the second crib to rub Béatrice’s back. ‘Hey, little one. Time to wake up.’

Béatrice ignored him and curled up more tightly around a plush yellow duck known as Mr Waddles. 

‘Never mind. We can still accomplish it with one.’ Reynard adjusted his hold on Ciana and trotted back to the master suite.

They knocked again, still to no answer.

Reynard set Ciana on the floor and crouched beside her. ‘This is your moment in our hour of need. Can you wake Mama and Papa up?’

She tilted her head. ‘Plah?’

‘No, Mama and Papa.’ Reynard reached up and turned the door knob.

Ciana peered into the dim room and looked back at Reynard, scepticism radiating from every pore. ‘Plah!’

Reynard opened the door further and shoved the toddler through. He shut the door quickly. ‘And now we run.’

Finley looked at her shoes. ‘I can give you a sedate stroll.’

‘Just take your shoes off.’

‘There’s no _just_ in the Agreste household!’

‘Up!’ screamed Ciana. 

Reynard grabbed Finley’s hand and yanked her down the corridor.

‘One would think you threw a grenade in there rather than a toddler.’

‘Same difference.’ He skidded to a stop as they rounded a corner.

Finley's thin, tawny eyebrows knit together. ‘How?’

‘You really have no experience with children?’

She shrugged. ‘Not everyone has cousins and nieces and nephews pouring from their ears.’

‘Harsh.’

Béatrice screamed from her crib.

The door to the master bedroom swung open. Gabriel’s muttering was supplemented by the slapping of slippered feet. From inside the room, Ciana’s squeals were met with Nathalie’s sleepy grunts.

As soon as Gabriel pass, Finley said, ‘That’s one way to get them up and out.’ She glanced at her watch. ‘The delivery boy is two minutes away. I’ll meet him.’

‘You can’t leave me!’ hissed Reynard, leaving his hiding spot. ‘Fin!’

When she ignored him, he planted his hands on his hips. ‘Well, that’s just typical.’

A throat cleared.

Reynard flinched and braced himself. Turning around slowly, he saw his pyjama-wearing employer, a toddler in arm. ‘Mr Agreste.’

‘Mr Vos,’ said Gabriel. ‘I assume you are responsible for this early morning drama?’

Reynard’s spine straightened, attempting to conjure up the polished veneer which had originally placed him in this position. ‘Good morning, sir. Señora Ochoa tasked Finley and myself with ensuring that you and Ms Sancoeur joined the twins on the trip to Zarautz.’

‘It’s five in the morning.’

‘Yes, sir!’

Gabriel blinked, still half-asleep. ‘The twins were sleeping peacefully.’

‘Yes, sir. That they were, uh, sir.’

Béatrice yawned and face-planted into her father’s shoulder, one arm still wrapped around Mr Waddles.

Gabriel bounced his daughter gently. ‘Be thankful Señora Ochoa is not here to contradict your story.’

‘Reynard!’ called Finley. ‘A little help!’

Reynard sprinted down the stairs, taking them three at a time. He swung off the banister and hightailed it to the kitchen.

Finley stood with her back pressed against the back door. Normally small looking, she looked practically Davidic against the lanky Luka Couffaine.

At least, Reynard assumed it was the Couffaine boy. They would be hard pressed to find another black helmet-wearing male of a similar height in the Agreste mansion at all.

Luka looked from Finley to Reynard, confirming the obvious. ‘Does someone want to tell me what’s going on?’

‘I told you,’ said Finley. ‘Señora Ochoa has included you on the list of people we have to make sure actually show up.’

‘I just came to deliver pastries.’ Luka held out the box marked with the Dupain-Cheng bakery logo. ‘Marinette’s parents got up extra early.’

‘That’s wonderful, Luka.’ Reynard pulled up a list on his phone. ‘You’re currently on Señora Ochoa’s list.’

Luka visibly paled. He licked his dry lips. ‘Wh-what kind of list?’

Finley relaxed her position against the door slightly. ‘How soon can your mother have a bag packed and delivered?’

‘What?’

Reynard’s phone buzzed. He read the message and winced. ‘Finley?’

‘If that’s Mr Agreste needing someone to get Ms Sancoeur out of bed, then no.’

Luka raised an eyebrow. ‘That’s oddly specific.’

She gave him a passable Look.

He grinned and chuckled before glancing uneasily at Reynard.

The P.A. shrugged. ‘Sorry, kid. Rules is rules.’

‘Marinette is going to fit in so well this family.’

‘Too late. She already does.’

The earned a real chuckle from Luka. ‘All right. I’ll make a couple of calls.’ He muttered, ‘Jules is going to love this.’

He went into the other room, phone pressed to his ear.

Reynard said to Finley, ‘Good news or bad news?’

‘Just spit it out.'

‘Right. The good news: Per Señora Ochoa, luggage has already been packed except for a few essential toiletries. We even get a map as to where everything has been stowed.’

Finley took a deep breath. ‘That’s actually very good news.’

‘The bad news: Mr Agreste needs help prying Nathalie out of bed.’

‘What, the twins aren’t pulling their own weight?’

‘All 35 kilos of legal savviness and mischief? Very funny.’

‘You really think they only weigh 35 kilos combined?’

Reynard blinked. ‘Right. Right.’

‘Honestly; accountants.’

‘Just go help get her up.’

Finley crossed her arms. ‘Not in the job description.’

Reynard’s phone vibrated again. He read it and rolled his eyes. ‘Any idea where they keep the coffee machine?’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone's curious, the espresso machine is still broken.


	19. ‘Highway to [a] Hell [of a Family Reunion]’

~Hour Six of Ten~

Adrien was stuffed to the point that he changed from jeans to pyjamas after lunch.

Lunch? Dinner? The meal. The wonderful, soul-satisfying, tryptophan-inducing meal. Whatever the man said about his grandmother’s cooking, Jagged Stone made sure none of his guests went hungry.

A distant part of Adrien’s brain insisted that it was almost as if the man was deliberately trying to get in Abuela’s good book, building up brownie points.

Marinette sighed in her sleep and snuggled closer.

Adrien adjusted the light blanket around her. His arm secured the blanket, and his head rested on hers.

Behind him, Felix and Kagami were busy sleeping off the meal. Several pictures of Felix with a eye mask were already saved to Adrien’s cloud drive. Felix’s shaggy haircut with the mask was especially hilarious when contrasted with Kagami’s sleek cut and custom sleep mask.

A full belly, soft guitar music, and the gentle squeak of the wind screen wipers with the humming of the tires on the road usually combine for a hypnotic experience. The current hour was no exception, and Adrien was thrilled to be just alert enough to enjoy the moment.

Marinette’s grip on Adrien loosened.

He kissed the top of her head and closed his eyes

~Hour 8.5 of Ten~

As soon as the van cleared the last of the narrow road and returned to a reasonable amount of pavement, Marinette slid her hand free of Adrien’s. She shook it out, trying to get the circulation back. ‘Aren’t you glad you’re not driving?’

Adrien ran a hand through his hair. ‘Yup! Uh-huh!’

Kagami leaned forward. ‘Now that we can talk again, what was up with that, Agreste? You’ve never had a problem with heights before.’

‘I don’t mind heights—’

‘He’s always had a problem with heights,’ said Felix. He turned on a tiny book light and clipped it to his book.

Four people resisted the urge to grab a shoe and smack the boy: Abuela because she was currently driving, Adrien due to wearing lace-ups, and Marinette due to awkward seating.

Kagami managed to punch Felix in the bicep.

‘Ow! What was that for?’

‘If you are going to be an idiot,’ she said, ‘please be an interesting idiot. It grows tiresome all too quickly otherwise.’

‘Humph.’

Adrien muttered, ‘“And that’s the story of how the camel got its hump”.’

Marinette massaged the back of his neck. ‘And I think it’s time for a break from kids’ books.’

‘Mm…’ Adrien’s eyes closed with pleasure. ‘For the record, our children are banned from Paw Patrol.’

‘I didn’t realise that needed to be communicated, but sure.’

Felix turned a page. ‘I didn’t realise you had planned so far.’

Marinette scowled. ‘Just because you can’t find someone to love you—’

‘M!’ cried Adrien.

Kagami shoved her hand over Adrien’s face, effectively muting him. ‘Keep going! I’m interested.’

Felix put down his book. ‘Got something to say, Dupain-Cheng?’

‘What is it with you people and saying my full last name?’

Adrien puffed out his chest. ‘It’s a great last name! I’d be thrilled to take it once we got married.’

Marinette pressed on his nose with her finger. ‘Not in France, Kitty.’

‘You two are disgusting.’

‘You’re only saying that because you know no one will—’

‘ _Callen_![1]’ Abuela slowed and turned the wheel sharply. ‘You’ve been so good today. Why can’t you—?’

Rock music split the air. 

Everyone jumped, and the car swerved.

‘ _Joder! **[2]**_ ’ Abuela slammed on the brakes. 

Everyone looked to the right.

A silver convertible with flashing lights came alongside them. In the passenger seat, Jagged Stone tipped his sunglasses at them while singing along to his own lyrics. ‘Rock on, baby!’

Kagami raised an eyebrow. ‘What on earth?’ 

Adrien grinned and waved from inside the van.

Penny sat in the driver’s seat and finished passing them.

Abuela threw her hands in the air. ‘Is that an alligator in the back seat?’

‘It’s a crocodile,’ said Adrien, ‘and his name is Fang.’

‘Mhm.’ Abuela waited for the silver sports car to disappear into the gloom before releasing the van’s brake.

‘That’s your hero?’ said Felix. ‘Really?’

‘You listen to K-pop, freaking hipster.’

‘You’re just jealous that they’re prettier than you.’

‘No need to cut off your nose to spite your face.’

‘ _Chicos_!’

~Hour 9.9 of Ten~

Felix pouted in the passenger seat, his phone and book locked in the back of the van.

Marinette and Kagami whispered in the back seat, passing a phone back and forth while typing messages out.

Abuela sang along softly with the music, her thumbs tapping in time on the steering wheel.

‘I can’t take this anymore!’ Felix ground the heels of his hands into his eyes.

‘Respect Abuela Margarita,’ said Abuela.

‘Why? Was she a friend of yours?’

Adrien leaned forward, sticking his head between the driver and passenger seats. ‘You are asking for a beating when we arrive.’

Abuela shook her head and turned down a dark lane lined with trees. ‘I would never be so uncivilised when there’s plenty of good, honest labour to do around the property.’

‘What kind of labour?’ said the cousins suspiciously.

‘There are always fences in need of repair, horse stalls needing mucking—’

The boys grimaced.

Marinette took the phone and giggled before typing in an answer and passing it back to Kagami.

‘—changing the oil in the ATVs or rebuilding the engine in the farm truck. Again.’ Abuela clicked her tongue. ‘I believe we just missed castrating the lambs.’

‘Oh,’ said Adrien faintly.

Kagami snickered, conveniently covering up Plagg’s own amusement at the conversation.

Phantom mewed and jumped into Adrien’s lap. She lifted a paw and gently touched his lips.

‘I don’t think I brought the right clothes for, er, castrating anything,’ said Adrien, aggressively petting the cat.

‘Nonsense! I packed your oldest clothes along with everything you’ll need for your birthday and Easter celebrations.’ Abuela turned down an even tinier lane.

Marinette groaned and slammed her face into the seat in front of her. ‘Are we almost there?’

‘Ten more minutes.’

Kagami typed another message and stretched.

‘What are you _chicas_ giggling about back there?’

‘Fun stuff,’ said Kagami.

Marinette slid out of view.

Eight minutes later, the van pulled through a pair of ornate metal gates.

Plagg surveyed the dark scene and whispered to Adrien, ‘Well, this isn’t ominous.’

‘Don't care! I’m just glad to be here.’ Adrien’s leg bounced and jiggled.

Marinette buried her fingers in her boyfriend’s hair. ‘Just remember, your parents get to do this with a set of twins.’

‘Oh, Lord.’ Adrien grinned in spite of himself. ‘I wouldn’t mind CCTV for that ride.’

Phantom stood up on her back paws and pressed her front paws to the window. She chirped as the lights of the house grew closer.

Everyone started shoving their belongings into bags and checking for stray items.

The car stopped in the gravelled driveway of the family homestead.

Abuela sighed with relief. ‘We’re here, and no one died.’

Phantom jumped onto her shoulder and rubbed her face against Abuela’s cheek. The black fur came away white with face powder.

‘ _Gracias_ , Phantom, but we’re going to leave you in here until we can find a secure room for you.’ Abuela kissed her nose. ‘No reason to risk you walking for six months to get back to Paris and Your Boy.’

The cat purred and curled up on the dashboard.

‘ _Bien_ , all of you! Out! Now.’

The teens obeyed and scrambled out, their stiff muscles and joints protesting at the sudden movement.

Marinette stretched and slung her backpack over her shoulder. She froze mid-stretch. ‘Ummm?’

Kagami stared open mouthed. ‘So, Adrien.’

‘Yeah?’ he said, busy collecting luggage from the back.

‘When Abuela invited us down to the “ancestral home”, I didn’t—I didn’t—’

‘Since when does your family have a flipping castle?’ said Felix.

Adrien pulled his head from the boot. His jaw dropped. ‘Oh. Um.’ He chuckled nervously. ‘Um, it’s Nathalie’s family and I’ve never been here before?’

Marinette forced her jaw closed and swallowed hard. ‘So they’re old money?’

‘It’s an old family,’ said Abuela, slamming the van door shut. ‘The money comes and goes with the different wars and revolutions.’

Felix took his bag. ‘If Tim Curry answers the front door, I’m swimming back to England.’

‘I can’t promise that I won’t be right behind you,’ said Adrien slowly.

‘Ditto,’ said Marinette.

Felix raised an eyebrow. ‘You’ve seen _Rocky Horror Picture Show_?’

Marinette matched the raised eyebrow. ‘I’ve seen all the classics. And for the record, it would be foolish to forget _Clue, It,_ or even _Muppet Treasure Island_.’

Kagami looked from one person to another. ‘I am so lost.’

‘It’s only going to get worse,’ said Adrien.

Marinette squeaked. ‘Um, everyone?’

‘What?’

She pointed. ‘Isn’t that the car that Penny and Jagged were in?’

[1] ‘Shut up!’

[2] ‘Fuck!’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I caved and got a Tumblr account: stories-with-book-squirrel. Theoretically, I'll come up with a better user name in the future.


	20. The Family Tree is in the Foyer

Despite the darkness and soreness of the previous evening, the morning dawned bright and beautiful. Birds chirped, and someone somewhere was mowing.

Adrien stretched and threw open the curtains. ‘What a glorious day!’

Felix rolled over and buried his head under a pillow.

Phantom jumped onto the window sill. Her tail swished and whacked Adrien in the leg.

‘I know, sweetheart.’ He kissed her on the nose and skipped across the room. ‘Rise and shine! I can see the paddock!’

He reached for the blankets on his cousin’s bed only to dodge a well-aimed kick. ‘Tsk, tsk; that wasn’t very nice.’

‘I’m filing a complaint with management,’ said Felix.

‘You and Marinette both.’ Adrien eyed the angle and positioning of the bed.

Phantom tilted her head.

Plagg shot from the bed and hid amongst the kitten’s wealth of fur, the better to watch the show from a safe distance.

Felix shrieked as Adrien flipped the mattress. He crawled out from under the mattress, hair flat on one side.

Adrien doubled-over with laughter. ‘You look ridiculous!’

‘And you’ll be in need of heavy concealer!’ Felix rolled to his feet.

Adrien—still grinning—ran from the room and sprinted down the corridor. The lack of a tail meant paying extra attention to his balance, but jumping over a tiny cousin and clearing a stack of luggage with room to spare was adrenaline-inducing enough!

Behind him, Felix cleared the obstacles and put on an extra burst of speed.

Adrien jumped onto the balcony railing and swung onto the banister. He gave a cheeky wave as he crossed one leg over the other and slid down the gentle slope.

At the bottom of the stairs, he slipped off and rolled across the floor and to his feet. He closed his eyes and bowed in three directions to an imaginary audience.

‘That was totally wicked!’ shrieked a pre-pubescent voice.

Adrien opened his eyes. ‘Oops.’

‘Martin! You are not to attempt that!’ said a woman with closely cropped hair and large diamond one finger. She scowled at Adrien. ‘Let me guess: Nathalie’s boy?’

‘Adrien Agreste, ma’am.’ He bowed with another flourish.

‘Adrien!’

The model extended a hand towards the staircase. ‘And the freshly awakened creature running towards us in a half-slumbering rage is my cousin, Felix. Felix, say good morning to the nice lady and Martin.’

Felix pulled up short and straightened his shoulders. ‘Good morning,’ he said in English.’

‘Noooooo,’ said Adrien. ‘Why do you have to embarras me like this? It’s _buenos dias_! We spent like three hours discussing this yesterday.’

‘ _Buenos dias_.’

Martin and the woman flinched at the accent.

A mirror on the wall cracked.

Adrien scanned the room for Plagg.

The Kwami snickered and made his way to Adrien’s pyjama pocket by way of heavy shadows.

The woman pursed her lips. ‘Martin, show the boys to breakfast.’

‘Yes, Tia Ana.’ The boy waited until they were around the corner to say, ‘Will you show me how to do that? Please? Pleasepleaseplease?’

‘Maybe not that level yet, but I’d be happy to show you some starters.’ Adrien’s eyes brightened at the smell of coffee and a full breakfast. ‘How many people are here right now?’

‘Forty-seven.’ Martin went straight to the side board loaded with food. ‘Tio Téo said most people are waiting until tomorrow.’

As hungry as Adrien was, he stopped by the table and planted a kiss on the top of Marinette’s head. ‘Morning, Princess.’

Marinette continued to stare into her espresso, her chin propped up by hands, elbows braced against the table. The round reading glasses slid further down her nose.

Adrien bumped her with his nose. ‘Never change, My Lady,’ he murmured before glancing around the table. ‘Morning, Kagami.’

She gave him The Look of Death and speared a piece of sausage. Bits of hair stuck up into the air.

Martin slid into a seat by Kagami. He studied her. ‘Hi, I’m Martin from the Puerto Rican branch, but I grew up in Conneticut! Are you Kagami Tsurugi?’ 

‘Who’s asking?’

‘You are!’ He bounced in his seat. ‘My sister’s obsessed with your career and has all of your posters at our dad’s house! She’s coming tomorrow with our mom! Can I take a picture with you?’

‘Later.’

‘Awesome.’ Martin’s grin took up his entire face. He pulled a bottle of ketchup from his pocket and doused his plate with it.

Felix and Adrien stared, frozen in horror.

Marinette’s nose twitched, and she finally looked up from her espresso. ‘Dear God,’ she whispered before burying her face in her hands. ‘It’s way too early.’

Adrien took a seat beside her and rubbed her shoulders. ‘What are you doing up so early? Can I get you anything?’

She grunted, eyes squeezed shut.

Martin continued chatting to Kagami. ‘What are you doing here? Don’t you have to be at a competition? My whole family stayed up really late so we could watch you win the Paris competition. Papa had to weed the flowers because he said you would win by more points—Tio Santiago!’

'Morning,' said a tall, thin man with closely-cropped black hair. 

Adrien did a double-take. ‘What happened to your hair?’

‘What?’ said the man in English.

Adrien repeated the question.

‘What do you mean?’

‘It’s short! And black! Penny’s going to kill you!’

Marinette blinked slowly. ‘Assuming Bob Roth doesn’t get Akumatized again.’

The man raised an eyebrow. ‘I think you’re confusing me with someone else. I’m Santiago of the Edinburgh Ochoas.’

‘Sorry.’ Adrien’s cheeks warmed as he shoved eggs into his mouth.

Santiago took a sip of coffee. ‘Carmen?’

‘No,’ said an open newspaper at the other end of the table.

‘You don’t even know what I’m going to ask.’

The newspaper folded to reveal a slim woman with long brown hair. ‘It’s never any good.’

‘I just wanted to know what time the judgemental express gets here.’

‘Tia Ana’s already here.’ Carmen shook the newspaper open again.

‘I know that!’ Santiago took a guilty look over his shoulder. ‘I meant someone on the guest list.’

The newspaper lowered. ‘Ask Katya,’ said Carmen. ‘She has the master list.’

‘If it’s a recent addition,’ said Adrien, ‘Chloe Bourgeois is due at noon. Unless you mean my father? He’s supposed to be here for dinner.’

Marinette mumbled, ‘That’s assuming he’s coming.’

‘He’s coming.’ Abuela slid a plate in front of Marinette and patted her shoulder. ‘I made a deal with your bodyguard, Adrien.’

Martin’s mouth dropped open, and food spilled out. ‘You have a bodyguard?’

‘Yeah. I’m a model.’

‘So cool!’ The boy accepted the offer of a serviette from Kagami. ‘Thanks!’

A thin woman with frizzy blonde hair who had certainly not been there a minute earlier reached for the coffee pot. ‘Esther and the boys fly in at three. I assume that’s who you’re asking about.’

‘Nothing like having options,’ muttered Carmen from behind the newspaper.

Abuela said, ‘If you’re curious, Tia Rita arrives in fifteen minutes.’

The table froze before shoving food into their mouths.

‘Chew your food!’ said Abuela.

‘What’s a Tia Rita?’ said Adrien.

‘You’ll find out.’ Martin shoved the last piece of bread in his mouth, grabbed his plate, and ran to the kitchen.

Adrien looked around at the sudden surplus of chairs. ‘Who or what is Tia Rita?’

‘Exactly what she sounds like,’ said Abuela in a low tone. ‘Carmenita! Get back here!’

‘Marinette!’

Marinette yelped as she rose into air, long arms wrapped around her.

‘Jagged, be nice,’ said Penny, a teal cardigan draped over her shoulders. ‘Good morning, everyone.’

Adrien’s mouth dropped open. ‘What are you doing here?’

‘Getting breakfast,’ said the singer. ‘Took Fang for a walk around the property. He had fun; the birds and livestock, not so much.’

Marinette slid back into her chair and rubbed her face.

Kagami peered at Jagged Stone before glancing at the door Santiago had exited through. ‘So, you and Santiago? Is he your—?’

‘Naw, not even blood related.’ Jagged drizzled honey over his toast. ‘Way back in the stone age, Penny’s half-sister’s now ex-fiancé’s step-mum double-booking a family gathering. Few years and a hell of a lot of engagements later, and here we are again! It’s Fang’s first time because of touring, and he’s thrilled!’

Penny snatched the coffee pot from Felix. ‘What brings you all here?’

‘Nathalie’s maternal family,’ said Adrien.

‘Ah.’ Penny handed the coffee back to Felix.

He shook the pot, shoulders slumping at the minimal sloshing. ‘Kagami? Will you—?’

‘No.’

‘It’s—’

She fixed him with A Look. ‘I said “No”.’

Felix returned the look with a glare of his own.

Jagged shook his head.

‘Wait,’ said Adrien. ‘Penny’s sister’s—’

‘My half-sister’s now ex—’

Adrien’s forehead wrinkled. ‘How much for a family chart?’

‘They’re free in the foyer,’ said Jagged, wiping honey from his face. ‘There’s a full website with pictures and bios. Katya said there are going to be what, fifty, sixty people in total?’

‘That was how many are arriving today,’ sighed Penny. ‘It’s supposed to be 300 in total. Assuming no one goes into labour like last time.’

‘What if they get pregnant?’ said Adrien. 

‘That is entirely their own business.’ 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time to pull out the trove of family stories. Tia Rita will be lifted almost whole-cloth from my ex-step-father's older sister who was your stereotypical judgy pastor's wife.


	21. Children of the Car

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A moment of silence for parents and caretakers of young children everywhere.

~Agreste Srs.; Hour 1 of 5,000~

Finley buckled the twins into their car seats. ‘Sorry about all of this.’

Luka shrugged and leaned against the car door. ‘It’s kind of become par for the course with this family. You get used to it.’

Béatrice tugged on her fastened restrains and blew a kiss to Finley.

The assistant smiled and kissed the toddler on the head.

‘Me! Me!’ Ciana kicked her feet against the seat.

Finley leaned across the car and kissed Ciana as well. When she climbed out, she said, ‘Must be nice to be laid back.’

Luka’s eyebrows twitched. ‘Except for when you end up on an overly long road trip with two toddlers and a pair of angsty adults.’

Finley fiddled with the tip of her braid. ‘They wouldn’t be half this angsty is the espresso machine wasn’t broken.’

A company car rolled through the gates of the Agreste mansion. Reynard jumped out, juggling two cardboard carriers. He kicked the door shut and trotted over to the Agreste’s grey car. ‘You owe me.’

Finley took two of the coffees. ‘Fine; you can wrestle two toddlers into their car seats next time.’

Said toddlers immediately started a fight, screaming at each other from the safe distance of their car seats.

Reynard set the coffee carriers on the car roof. He stuck his head inside. ‘Béatrice, Ciana, behave and be nice.’

‘No!’

He quickly retreated. ‘I tried.’ He held out a coffee to Luka. ‘You’re going to need that.’

Luka held up a hand. ‘Thanks, but I’m more of a tea guy.’

The assistants gaped.

‘How?’ said Finley at last.

The guitarist grinned. ‘No university, for a start.’

Reynard sobbed. ‘More than fair.’ He glanced at the front doors. ‘Is she out of bed at least?’

‘And dressed.’ Finley removed the lid from her coffee and inhaled deeply. ‘Good morning, beautiful.’

The Gorilla walked down the front steps and loaded the suitcases into the back. He eyed the third car in the courtyard and grunted.

Reynard threw his hands up, nearly knocking the coffee over. ‘Mr Agreste insisted on driving himself.’

The Gorilla rolled his eyes but accepted the offer of a coffee. He sniffed it.

‘It’s safe,’ said Finley. ‘None of that toxic waste.’

From inside the mansion, Gabriel said, ‘Don’t tempt me to carry you out to the car.’

Luka grinned. ‘Maybe it’s good we have two cars.’

Finley and Reynard groaned.

‘This is the closest thing we’re going to get to a paid vacation until Mr Agreste retires,’ said Finley.

‘I’d say lucky you,’ said Reynard, ‘except you’re probably going to have to find his cold body slumped over the workstation.’

She narrowed her eyes. ‘I’m so tempted to throw this at you.’

‘And on that note…’ Reynard collected the coffee and went inside.

‘ _Cha!_ ’ Ciana ripped her shoe off and wriggled in her seat.

Béatrice whined.

Luka squatted by the open door and took her hand. ‘It’s okay. Mama and Papa will be out soon enough. Then we can go meet the rest of the family.’

Her tiny forehead wrinkled.

‘Sleeping is a good way to pass these kinds of trips.’

‘No!’

Luka chuckled. ‘That’s fair. Here,’ he picked up the stuffed duck from the floor, ‘do you want Mr Waddles?’

Béatrice’s forehead smoothed as she hugged the plush toy. She signed something that looked like _thank you_ before babbling to the duck.

Luka stood up as Reynard came outside.

‘There are two more cups waiting for you in the car, ma’am,’ said Reynard.

‘This situation will be discussed in full in your yearly review,’ said Nathalie's voice.

‘Y-yes, yes, ma’am. But would you please get in the car? Señora Ochoa is expecting you for dinner tonight.’

Nathalie lurched out of the door, just barely managing to keep from spilling her coffee. ‘This is a betrayal.’

‘No,’ said Gabriel, taking the coffee from his wife and handing it to Reynard. ‘This is.’

He picked Nathalie up by the legs and threw her over his shoulder. The designer’s long legs ate up the space between the front door and the car.

Luka blinked rapidly. ‘Damn.’

Béatrice cooed to Mr Waddles.

‘Yeah, I’d love to be able to do that when I’m that old, too.’

Gabriel set Nathalie by the second car. ‘Get in.’

She adjusted her glasses, eyes narrowed. ‘ _Et tu, Brute_?’ 

‘You can tell me all about that for the next ten hours.’

‘Honestly, Gabriel—’

He leaned close and whispered in her ear.

The Gorilla rolled his eyes again and climbed into the car.

Luka and the assistants cocked their heads in question. Eyebrows rose all around at the blush which overtook Nathalie’s face.

Whatever it was, she got in the car and buckled up.

Gabriel chuckled and took the driver’s seat.

Luka waved goodbye to Finley and Reynard and jumped into the car. As he slammed the door, he said, ‘Are they always like that?’

The Gorilla grunted and turned the car on.

‘Does that mean the trick is making sure they stay with the plan?’

The bodyguard motioned to the backseat.

‘Oh, right. Take the young captive.’

The Gorilla gave a bona fide guffaw and pulled onto the street. 

~Agreste Srs.; Hour 1.1 of 7,000~

[Real Time: Hour 2.5 of 9]

Luka often forgot the privileges that come of being hyper wealthy. Being friends with Adrien had its benefits, especially in the area of social events and professional connections.

As a city dweller, there was one he always _always_ forgot. Rich or poor, it was the biggest hazard of leaving the city which _everyone_ insisted on: Speeding on open roads.

Whatever the posted speed limit, the Gorilla stayed in significant excess of it, whipping around vehicles and hopping between lanes.

In the backseat, the twins chanted, ‘Fast! Fast!’

Luka gripped the armrest more tightly.

‘Fast! Fast! Fast!’

‘Are Mr Agreste and Ms Sancoeur going to be able to keep up with us?’

The Gorilla gave him a withering look and tapped the GPS.

‘Oh, right.’

~Agreste Srs.; Hour 1.2 of 7,000~

[Real Time: Hour 3.7 of 9]

There are many things which noise cancelling headphones can overcome: A herd of stampeding elephants, the screams of terrified Parisians during an Akuma attack—hell, he had slept through his alarm plenty of times due to falling asleep with the stupid things on.

But his trusty, darling, and dearly beloved pair of headphones had finally met their match.

‘ _Libérée! Délivrée! Je ne mentirai plus jamais!_ ’

Now, Luka Couffaine of Paris, France had enjoyed Disney’s _Frozen_ the first time. He and Juleka had watched it out of curiosity before agreeing that they preferred _Tangled._ They had also recognised they were older during the _Frozen_ era and therefore even further from the target audience.

Luka didn’t even mind the soundtrack. It was enjoyable on a playlist, and some of the vocals were fun to use as effects when mixing his own music.

However, some _where_ there was a universe where “Let It Go” hadn’t become a hit, and every cell in his body wished to be there.

Right now.

Honestly, where was a Miraculous when you needed it?

Although Hawkmoth would definitely have Akumatized him by now. Probably out of _de facto s_ ympathy, but especially if he had kids of his own.

Béatrice and Ciana attempting to sing along had been cute…the first three times.

Luka snuck a look at the driver from time to time, wondering how the man managed to keep his sanity through it all.

The Gorilla stared ahead, his expression no different from his usual look of disgust with the world. His knuckles gripped the steering wheel but retained their normal colouring.

‘ _Le froid est pour moi le prix de la liberté…_ ’

Luka sighed with relief. It was over. Time for a new song.

Dear God, please let there be—

‘ _L'hiver s'installe doucement dans la nuit_ …’

He whimpered. Here we go.

Again.

~Agreste Srs.; Hour 582 of 12.8 Million~

[Real Time: Hour 5 of 9]

Apparently “Let It Go” is not the worst thing a toddler can be obsessed with.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

‘ _Baby Shark, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo…_ ’

Luka ground the heels of his hands into his eyes. Adrien owed him. Marinette owed him. Gabriel Fucking Agreste Himself owed him!

As for Abuela…

‘ _…doo, doo, doo, doo, doo…_ ’

His own room. Luka was going to demand his own room out of this for the duration of the nine day stay. The matriarch could certainly manage that!

‘ _…doo, doo, doo, doo, doo…Grandma Shark! Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo…_ ’

And he was having a very long, detailed conversation with Reynard and Finley as to what he had ever done to upset them to such a level that they would willingly hand him over to this level of torture!

‘… _doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo…_ ’

~Agreste Srs.; Hour 2.4 of 7,000~

[Real Time: Hour 5.5 of 9]

While Luka suffered the never-ending delights of “Baby Shark”, the other car partook of soft classical music. 

Nathalie shifted in her chair and adjusted the shoulder strap on her seat belt. ‘I still think we should agree to the Seoul 2020 show. The market is young enough but has proven itself to be viable.’

Gabriel downshifted and cut around a delivery van. ‘My concern is it cutting in to previous commitments. There’s only two of us.’

‘Adrien—’

‘Adrien will be busy with university and fretting over how best to propose to Marinette.’

Nathalie glanced at her husband. ‘You do know he had sixteen options with down-to-the-minute planning, right?’

‘And you think we should send him to Seoul?’

‘Or send Marinette. If she’s to head the family business—’

‘I’ll think about it.’

‘Will you actually?’

‘Yes. Just not when trying to keep up with the mad cap driver that is Adrien’s bodyguard.’

‘The twins love driving fast.’

‘Typical.’

‘Says the man who lost his license for drag racing.’

Gabriel grimaced. ‘Don’t ever let Adrien find out.’

‘“Letting” has nothing to do with it.’ She absently rubbed a hand against her stomach.

‘What’s wrong?’

Nathalie bit her lip. ‘Just nerves. It’s been twenty years.’

Gabriel rested a hand on her knee, eyes fixed on the road. ‘You have a family of your own now. We’ll protect you.’

‘Brave words for a white boy.’

‘I handled your grandmother and Esther just fine.’

Nathalie snorted. ‘Yes, I remember you begging to not be left alone with them.’ She slipped her knee free and returned to typing on the tablet. ‘Just make sure my cousins don’t drag you off to try and contact the ghost of Juan Zuria.’

‘Your family believes in ghosts?’

~Agreste Srs.; Hour 999 of 99.99 Million~

[Real Time: Hour 6.6 of 9]

Lunch had not been enough to free him of the cursed song. For once lunch was over, they must return to the torture.

‘ _Daddy Shark! Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo…_ ’

How many ‘ _doo-doo-doos_ ’ before the world collapsed on itself?

How many ‘ _doo-doo-doos_ ’ until he would jump from the car?

How many ‘ _doo-doo-doos_ ’ to death?

‘… _doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo_ … _doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo…_ ’


	22. Leave Them Scrambling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *note to self: the story is happening at the tail end of March, and it’s cold*

The second the car slowed to a stop, Luka staggered from the car.

‘You made it!’

The world spun as Adrien dragged Luka into a hug. ‘Ergh,’ groaned the guitarist, patting his friend on the back.

‘How was the ride?’

Luka’s right eye twitched. ‘It was…fine.’

Adrien nodded and clapped his friend on the shoulder. ‘You’re early,’ he said, eyes tracking the white car pulling to a stop.

Nathalie jumped out and went straight to the grey car. ‘Time for you to earn your keep, my dear,’ she cooed, unbuckling Béatrice.

‘Mama!’ The toddler settled happily on her mother’s hip but screamed at the sight of the horses. She whipped her head around and called to her sister. 

‘I know,’ said Nathalie, smoothing Béatrice’s hair and checking her face. ‘We can see the horses after the family roll call.’

Esther strolled out of the house and lit a cigarette. She looked over her shoulder and hurried down the stairs. ‘About time you made it.’

Nathalie’s nose wrinkled at the cigarette. ‘Really?’

‘It's family.’

‘Fair.’ Nathalie bumped the car door shut with her hip. ‘Gabriel, I need you to get Ciana.’

The designer nodded and climbed out of the car.

Adrien said, ‘I can—’

‘I need to make sure your father actually gets out.’

Béatrice waved shyly at Esther.

Esther tapped the toddler’s nose. ‘Abuela has everyone taking coffee in the _sala **[1]**_. They’re dying to meet the babies.’

‘Papa!’ Ciana tried to climb onto her father’s shoulders as soon as the restraints were removed.

‘Not now.’ He tucked her against his chest. ‘Come, my little extrovert. Let’s help Mama.’

‘Dri!’ 

‘Hey, Cici.’ Adrien tickled his sister and let her grab his hand. ‘Ow! Be nice!’

She blew a raspberry and giggled.

Adrien grinned. ‘So, Father, if she’s your extrovert, then what am I?’

Gabriel rested a hand on his son’s shoulder. ‘I think it’s safe to say that you haven’t been small for while.’

‘That’s fair.’

‘Speaking of growing,’ Gabriel brushed the back of his against the stubble growing on his son’s cheeks, ‘what is this?’

‘Oh, er,’ Adrien rubbed the back of his neck. ‘I forgot my razors at home and, erm, kind of lost a bet.’

‘Hence your efforts to grow a beard?’

‘It’s vacation!’

‘Gabriel?’ called Nathalie.

Adrien picked up the twins’ special backpack. ‘Come on inside! Abuela’s going to be thrilled that you’re here so early.’

Nathalie and Esther furiously whispered as they walked up to the house.

Adrien and Luka fell into step beside Gabriel.

‘How did you get here so fast?’ said Adrien.

Luka glanced at the driver collecting luggage. ‘We were trying to outrun ‘Let It Go’ and ‘Baby Shark’.’

‘Oof.' Adrien held the front door open. ‘I’d like to offer my sympathy, but Felix—’ He glanced around and whispered, ‘Felix was being an absolute—’

‘An Absolute Felix?’ said Luka drily.

‘Absolutely.’

From her position by the closed parlour door, Nathalie said, ‘I refuse to go in there without support.’

‘They don’t even know you’re here,’ said Esther, still puffing away. ‘You can fake it for a couple more hours.’

‘I remember what happened last I tried that.’

Esther’s face went blank before she snickered. ‘Oh, right. The one with the Unsuitable Novio. However,’ she gestured to Gabriel, ‘he’s better than skater riffraff c.2003.’

‘Ha. Funny.’

Esther took a drag on her cigarette and winked.

Gabriel rested a hand on Nathalie’s shoulder. ‘Ready?’

Esther opened the door. ‘Look who’s here!’ 

‘ _Oof!_ ’ Luka staggered back. Even though he had just watched the Agrestes duck through the door, the stupid part of his brain had decided to duck less.

He rubbed his forehead and ducked lower for the second try.

A roar of excitement spread through the room, and the Agreste family was all but hidden from view as the family swarmed them.

Marinette appeared as if by magic by his elbow. ‘How was the drive down?’

Luka sighed. ‘Honestly, one of the worst things I’ve ever experienced. Mind if I ride with you next time?’

‘Please. Felix was a straight up ass.’ She sipped her tea.

‘That’s what Adrien said. How are you doing?’

‘It’s a lot of people and a lot of names, _but_ I haven’t had to do dishes this entire time, so I’ll take what I can get.’

‘Enjoy it while you have it.’

Marinette grabbed his arm. ‘Let’s get you something before it all disappears.’

They snagged tea and a plate of biscuits and pastry before joining Alya and Chloe in an alcove.

Chloe had removed the bust from its pedestal and shoved everything to one side. ‘Good, you brought more.’

‘Thanks for making room.’ Luka set the plate on the empty pedestal. ‘Is it always like this?’

‘Only at meal times.’ Alya poked her head out. ‘You’re not going to believe how they have everything set up. People have assigned time slots for breakfast. I feel like I’m at a hotel.’

‘You’re not entirely wrong.’ Nino crawled through the crowd and pressed himself against the edge of the alcove. He wiped his forehead with his shirt. ‘I don’t think I’ve seen this dense of a crowd since my cousin’s wedding.’

‘Which cousin?’ said Alya.

‘And which wedding?’ said Chloe, licking frosting from her finger.

Nino took a healthy bite of a pastry. ‘Pick one.’

‘Talia, _quires café_?’[2] said Tia Ana, her voice shrill against the din.

‘Do you have decaf?’ said Nathalie, busy watching an uncle toss Béatrice into the air.

From across the room, Adrien whipped around, his conversation immediately forgotten. ‘How far along are you?’

The room went silent.

Nathalie pursed her lips. ‘Just because I ask for decaf doesn’t mean I’m pregnant.’

Adrien forced his way across the room. ‘With you, yeah, it does. I’ve seen you drink a gram and half worth of caffeine and not even blink.’

‘Whelp,’ murmured Nino, ‘RIP Adrien Agreste.’

Marinette nodded and sipped her tea.

‘So…’ said Prima Maria. ‘How long?’

Gabriel and Nathalie exchanged a look.

‘With everyone here, we’ll be able to plan the baby shower right away!’

Nathalie’s eyebrow twitched.

Gabriel nodded ever so slightly.

Nathalie smiled warmly at her aunt. ‘Regular coffee is fine, Tia Ana. Tio Téo, may I have Béatrice back?’

Marinette let out a low whistle as the noise resumed. ‘Dodged that bullet.’

Chloe craned her neck. ‘Is there yet another Agreste on the way?’

‘Adrien asked for two things,’ said Marinette. ‘One of which was that his siblings stay younger than his own children.’

‘More than fair,’ said Alya.

‘And it’s not like there isn’t plenty of time for that.’ Luka stood up straighter as Kagami shoved her way into the alcove. ‘Starting to feel like I'm in that mitten story.’

‘Enjoy being able to see over people’s heads.’ Kagami grabbed the last biscuit from his plate and took a deliberate bite. ‘At least you can breathe up there.’

She disappeared back into the crowd.

Luka looked at the empty plate, eyebrows quirked in question. He frowned before blinking. ‘Was that—Did Kagami just flirt with me?’

[1] Sala: main room/living room

[2] ‘Do you want coffee?’


	23. Second Story to the Right and Straight On ‘Til Drama

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *I hate myself sometimes. We’re heading straight towards soap opera territory (not that we weren’t halfway there already).*

Nathalie reached into the crowd of teens and plucked out her step-son. ‘As nice as it is to socialise with the Known, it is time to tackle the Unknown.’

‘But Kagami just flirted with Luka!’ said Adrien, following her through the crowd.

‘About time one of them made a move.’

‘Glass houses.’

‘Coffee-fuelled stones.’

‘Touché.’

She smirked. ‘As always.’

‘Rude.’ But he broke into his real smile and walked alongside her to the tea table. ‘Did you run out of twins to help hold family off? Is that why you need me?’

Nathalie took a cup of tea. ‘That obvious?’

‘They can see it from space.’ Marinette reached around them for the sugar and dumped half of the container into her tea.

Adrien said, ‘Are you trying to make yourself sick with that?’

‘Luka’s in shock.’

‘And you offered to make tea for him?’ said Adrien, shoulders tensing.

Marinette batted her lashes at him, lips curling at his delicate blush. ‘Would you prefer I stayed and offered him comfort?’

‘Er, no?’

‘Patted his hand and gave him words of sympathy and comfort?’

‘Certainly no?’

Marinette patted his cheek. ‘Please don’t be jealous. Your eyes are green enough as is.’

She waved to Nathalie and disappeared back into the crowd.

Noticing Adrien’s love-lorn look, Nathalie quickly said, ‘Five euros says she drops the cup between here and there.’

‘How about sitting up with the twins for an hour tonight?’

‘Even better.’

Tragedy struck by the painting of Don Enrique Zargoza. Tea was spilt, and Marinette landed hard on her knees.

Nathalie chuckled at her tea cup-wearing uncle.

Penny materialised and helped smooth the troubled waters.

Adrien said, ‘So who are we braving now?’

‘Excuse me,’ said a portly man with grey hair and thick glasses. He collected a serviette before stopping and adjusting his glasses. ‘Why, it’s Nathalie!’

‘Uncle Aaron.’ She leaned in for the requisite cheek kisses. ‘How are you?’

‘Well enough, well enough. Have you seen the pictures of Marta’s baby? Fattest baby I’ve seen in forty years of ministry and missionary work!’ He handed his cup to Adrien and pulled up the picture on his phone. ‘Look at that!’

‘A charming child,’ murmured Nathalie.

‘See!’ said the proud grandfather, shoving the phone into Adrien’s face.

Adrien back backwards. ‘A lovely child.’

‘Uncle Aaron,’ said Nathalie, gently guiding her uncle to a safer distance, ‘this is my step-son Adrien Agreste. Adrien, this is my uncle, the Reverend Dr Aaron Dankworth.’

‘Pleasure to meet you. We read some of your essays on the evolution of entomology when I was homeschooled.’

Uncle Aaron beamed. ‘Why, Nathalie! I din’t realise you were so proud of your family!’

She submitted to the renewed hugs with ill-disguised disgust.

Aaron spotted someone else to show baby pictures to and scampered off.

Nathalie hissed, ‘That is exactly what you’re supposed to be a buffer for!’

Adrien stuck his chin out. ‘Sorry I’m not tiny and cute anymore! Not sure what you want me to do short of physically throwing myself in front of them.’

Her shoulders sagged, and she sipped her tea. ‘Honestly, neither am I.’

‘Arturro!’

Adrien jumped, sloshing tea over his hand. ‘Damn it!’

‘ _Uno momento, mami!_ ’[1] called a cousin, running to the foyer.

Nathalie handed him a serviette and dropped a handful onto the floor. ‘I don’t think there’s a beverage these floors haven’t had spilt on them at one point or another.’

‘ _Que mierdas_?’[2] shouted Arturro.

Adrien looked at the doorway but continued taking care of his hand. ‘Should we be concerned about that?’

‘Not my monkey.’

Chloe squeezed between two family members. ‘Adrikins!’

‘What?’ he snapped.

She blinked, taken aback by his tone. ‘Your bodyguard just spoke.’

‘ _What_?!’

Nathalie downed her tea and ploughed through the people gathering around the doorway. ‘Ex-cuse me! What is going on out there?’

‘Tia Rita might actually be human,’ said a cousin.

Nathalie shoved past the last row of people and blinked.

Adrien popped out and stumbled to a stop. He goggled a the sight.

The Gorilla stood at the foot of the stairs, his arms wrapped around Tia Rita. She rested a hand against his chest, a soft smile on her plump face.

‘Rita!’ shouted the good Reverend Doctor Dankworth. ‘What is the meaning of this?’

She answered him coyly in Spanish.

‘English, please!’

Adrien whispered to Nathalie, ‘That looks like one of our monkeys.’

‘When?’ shouted the good Reverend Doctor.

The Gorilla looked away from Rita and noticed Nathalie and Adrien. A blush spread over his cheeks.

‘Long before you were ever a part of my life, darling.’

Nathalie rubbed the bridge of her nose.

‘Is that why you insisted on naming our son Arturro?’

The Gorilla blushed harder and looked back to the woman in his arms.

Standing nex to Adrien, Primo Arturro ran a hand through his hair and muttered, ‘I need a drink.’

‘I’ll join you,’ said Adrien.

Nathalie made a frustrated noise in the back of her throat. ‘I do not need this. ABUELA!’

When that failed to summon the matriarch, Nathalie pinched Adrien.

‘Yeouch! What was that for?’

Abuela appeared, a sleepy Béatrice slumped against her shoulder. ‘What happened, _cariño **[3]**_?’

A _whoosh_ echoed up the stairs as dozens gestured to the scene in front of them.

‘I see.’ The light glinted on Abuela’s glasses as she handed Béatrice to Adrien. ‘Rita!’

As the conversation escalated into Spanish far too fast for his ears, Adrien said to Nathalie, ‘So…?’

‘Yes?’

‘How are we going to explain this to Father?’ 

Nathalie’s mouth twisted.

In the foyer, the three-way conversation—actually, it was a straight up argument at this point—grew even louder.

The Gorilla retreated outside.

Béatrice whimpered and wrapped her arms more tightly around around her brother’s neck.

‘Sh, sh,’ said Adrien, bouncing slightly. ‘I know. We’ll go upstairs in a minute.’

Nathalie ran a hand over her hair. ‘Go ahead and take her up now. I’ll speak with Arthur and find out what exactly is happening.’

‘It was forty years ago!’ screeched Rita.

‘Can we do Easter in Paris next year?’ said Adrien, edging towards the stairs.

‘Norway if I can manage it.’ Nathalie squared her shoulders and made for the door.

A sandal flew through the air.

Nathalie walked faster.

Adrien cupped a hand over his sister’s head and sprinted upstairs.

He found Chloe, Nino, and Alya watching the fight from the second floor landing.

A boneless Luka lay on a Victorian divan in front of the window. He stared blankly at the papered wall.

‘Is he supposed to be like that?’ said Adrien, tapping his foot against his friend’s.

‘Still in post-Kagami flirting shock,’ said Chloe. ‘Tried to get him some tea, but other pressing matters made themselves known.

Adrien sat on the divan.

Béatrice crawled out of his arms and snuggled up next to Luka. She sighed with contentment and closed her eyes, an angelic smile on her face.

‘Sure,’ said her brother. ‘Play favourites, why don’t you?’

A strangled ‘Kaaa…’ came from Luka’s throat.

‘Behold!’ said Alya, spinning on her toes. ‘It speaks.’

‘About time,’ said Nino. ‘How are we feeling, buddy?’

Luka winced. ‘“Buddy”? Have you been reduced to the role of a polo-wearing American dad already?’

Nino gave a tight smile. ‘I think he’s feeling better. Now,’ he sat on the cushioned ottoman with a grunt, ‘let’s lay down some rules about you and Kagami.’

‘Fu—’ Luka glanced at the baby in his arms. ‘You’re awful.’

‘And we don’t want to have to babysit your blood pressure,’ said Alya. ‘It’s a rough learning curve, but with Abuela as full-time matriarch instead of a mere grandmother, someone has to enforce it.’

Luka sat up and rolled his shoulders. ‘All right. Teach me your ways, oh, wise ones.’

The pairing popularly known as DJ Wifi smiled, showing all their teeth.

Adrien swallowed a nervous laugh and thanked his lucky stars for Resurrection Coffee.

[1] ‘One minute, Mom!’

[2] ‘What the fuck?’ (did my best with what I could find. Please let me know if there are better terms)

[3] _carino_ : sweetie, sweetheart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idea: If there were to be a "Misadventures of Finley and Reynard" but everything is based on prompts/ideas submitted via my Tumblr, who would be interested? This would be a way to interact a little more but it would also give me a chance to create content on the days when ideas over here just aren't gelling. 
> 
> Let me know either here, or just let the ideas fly (please no more than one a day!) to stories-with-book-squirrel.


	24. 'Hell is Empty, and All the Devils Are Here.’

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adrien vs GabeNath spawn all while on a tight schedule. May the most determined win. Oh, and more unwanted relatives are arriving.

‘Dri? Dri-iiiiiii!’

‘Be right back, guys.’

Luka gave a gentle wave. Béatrice still dozed peacefully beside him.

Adrien pulled himself from the the corner couch. ‘Ciana? Where are you?’

‘Dri?’

He followed the sound of her voice. ‘Cici?’

Something crashed.

Adrenaline flooded Adrien’s system at the sound of his sister’s scream. He sprinted through the corridor, nearly knocking over a bust. ‘Cici?’

‘Want me to sniff her out?’ said Plagg.

‘Please.’

The Kwami put on a burst of speed and disappeared out of sight. Adrien followed the soft trilling noises. 

Half a dozen closed doors later, Phantom trotted by, tail aloft. She cocked her head at Adrien.

‘Do you have her?’ He licked his lips. ‘Do you have Cici?’

She turned her head in the direction Plagg had last trilled, ears forward. She lowered her nose to the floor and sniffed.

Adrien walked behind her as she sniffed out Kwami and baby.

Plagg phased through a wall. ‘Got her! The coast is clear if you want to get there that much faster.’

‘Thanks, but I’ll skip transforming this time.’

‘Your loss.’ Plagg buzzed along at a more sedate pace.

At one point, he nudged Phantom in the shoulder with his head. ‘You’re breathing a little hard there, girl. I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times: You need to get more exercise.’

Phantom hissed at Plagg.

Adrien grinned. ‘You might want to ease off on any comments, or Marinette may have to learn to make Crepes Kwami.’

‘Rude.’

Phantom growled in the back of her throat.

‘Er, right.’

They rounded the corner and found Ciana crawling out from under an antique rug. She grinned at her brother. ‘Dri!’

‘Yep, found you! Finally.’ He lifted the rug to help her out. ‘What are you doing here? I thought Father took you up for a nap.’

She ignored him and babbled to Plagg, her fingers fumbling out mostly-learned signed language.

Whatever she said, Phantom puffed her fur out, and Plagg bared his fangs.

‘No need to antagonise the baby helpers.’ Adrien swung Ciana onto his shoulders and patted her feet. ‘Especially after that merry chase you led us on.’

She cooed and tugged on his hair.

‘Ow, no.’ He tried to untangle her fingers from his hair.

Ciana laughed as they crashed through a door and into the tower room.

Fabric whispered as a crowd of cousins turned to look at the intruder. They murmered to each other and returned their attention to the window.

‘It’s hard to see with the rain,’ said one, a pair of pocket binoculars pressed to his eyes.

‘You don’t have to tell us the details,’ said another, pressing her face to the window. Long, black braids trailed down her back and were tied off with white satin bows.

‘It’s going to be a new model, no matter what,’ said Dante, Esther’s eldest son. He rubbed his chin where tightly coiled black hair was forming a modest beard.

‘Yeah, but is it going to be a car or a girlfriend this time?’ 

Adrien crept closer.

Martin waved at the new arrivals. ‘You brought your cat!’

‘What’s going on?’ said Adrien.

Dante crossed his arms. ‘Uninvited guests.’

The girl wrestled the binoculars from the first boy and pressed them to her eyes.

‘Don’t you mean unexpected?’ said Martin.

‘Mom specifically told his secretary that he’s not invited this year. I don’t think he was after what Number Four pulled two years ago, but with Tia Nathalie being here…’

The girl and two others nodded in agreement.

Adrien glanced at Martin and realised the boy was just as confused as him. ‘Sorry, who’s coming?’

‘L’oncle Sancoeur,’ said the girl dryly.

‘Wh-wha-wh-what?’ said Adrien.

A red head he hadn’t noticed in the corner said, ‘I hope you’re excited. Grandpapa Sancoeur is coming to town!’

Adrien’s eyes bugged. ‘I’d rather have a visit from Grandpère Agreste, and he’s been dead for thirty years! Ciana, come on.’ He tried to pick her up. ‘We need to see Mama.’

‘No!’ She climbed to her feet and took several determined steps.

‘Cici! No!’ He scooped up her abandoned socks and shoes. ‘We don’t have time for this!’

She scowled out him.

He stuck his chin out.

‘Aw,’ said Dante, chuckling. ‘They’re mirroring each other.’

‘Guess we know where the chin comes from,’ said the girl with the ribbons. ‘Hey! Give those back!’

‘You’ve had your turn!’ Martin held the binoculars behind his back.

Ciana kept walking towards the door.

Adrien said, ‘Cici, please! We don’t have time for this. Don’t you want to keep Mommy happy?’

She walked faster.

‘You could just pick her up.’ Dante scooped her up. ‘No problem.’

Ciana took a deep breath and screamed, her face a dark purple.

Dante put her down.

‘And that’s why we don’t pick her up without her consent.’ Adrien crouched down in front of his sister, eyebrows knitting together. ‘Ciana Agreste, you are going to let me pick you up and carry you downstairs.’

She crossed her arms, blue eyes steely with determination.

Dante looked from the toddler to Adrien and back again. ‘Better you than me.’ He clapped Adrien on the back—nearly sending the poor boy sprawling—and returned to the group at the window. ‘My money’s on a brunette this year.’

‘Last model was a brunette.’

‘No,’ said the redhead. ‘The last model was a Mercedes.’

Adrien rubbed the bridge of his nose.

Ciana grinned, exposing her tiny teeth. ‘Papa?’

‘Sure, we can go see Papa.’

She bounced on her toes and let Adrien pick her up.

‘But first we go see Mama.’

‘Humph.’

Adrien stepped into the corridor and looked around. ‘Er, Dante?’

‘Yeah?’

‘How do I get downstairs?’

‘Oh, yeah. I’ll show you.’

‘Thanks.’ Adrien followed his cousin through the maze and to the main stairs.

Dante walked in comfortable silence, hands shoved into the pockets of his old-fashioned flannel trousers.

Ciana sang, ‘Pla! Pla-Pla-Pla-Plaaaaa!’ to herself.

Plagg vibrated in Adrien’s pocket despite the innumerable reprimands about the _infernal levels of tickling_ it caused!

When they reached the main staircase, Dante stopped and whistled. ‘Full _telenovela_ downstairs.’ He grinned at his cousins. ‘I wish you luck.’

Adrien looked over the stairs. ‘I should’ve just texted.’

Dante shrugged. ‘I still would’ve had to show you how to get back. Best of luck.’ He patted Ciana on the head. ‘Try not to wander off again.’

She stuck out her chin and spat a nonsense word.

Adrien shuddered and went downstairs. That was far too good an imitation of their father. The planet was doomed the minute the girls learned to talk in full sentences.

In the foyer, Nathalie stood his her hands clasped behind her and staring her relatives down with every bit of corporate disdain she could manage. ‘Why? Does Tio Aaron want pistols at ten paces?’

‘Not in front of your abuelo’s ashes!’ said Abuela. ‘May he rest in peace.’

‘May he rest in peace,’ mumbled the family.

From behind a trio of cousins, Tia Rita shouted, ‘How was I to know he would be here? It’s not as if Arturro was on the guest list!’

Uncle Aaron said something.

Tia Rita said, ‘If you have a problem, take it up with Talia! She’s the one who brought him here.’

‘You’re the one who couldn’t keep your hands off of him!’ he shouted.

Nathalie’s jaw tightened. The light reflected off her glasses as she spotted Adrien and Ciana. ‘Excuse me; my children need me.’

‘Nath!’ Esther pushed through the crowd. Blonde hair escaped from the bun on top of her head. ‘A Bentley just pulled up.’

Adrien felt the tension in the room tighten as it went completely silent.

Nathalie’s lips thinned until they completely disappeared.

Abuela spun in a slow circle, taking in everyone’s faces. ‘Who invited him?’

When no one answered, she stomped the floor. ‘Who invited him?’

‘I did.’

‘ _Madre de Dios_.’[1] Esther ran her hands over her face and disappeared into the parlour.

Aaron tightened his jaw and held Abuela’s gaze. ‘He deserves to meet his grandchildren.’

Nathalie squeezed her eyes shut and swallowed. In a tight, controlled voice, she said, ‘Excuse me.’

Tia Rita reached for her hand. ‘Your father deserves to meet his grandchildren.’

‘That idiot is going nowhere near my grandbabies!’ Abuela pointed a finger at Rita. ‘You may be my sister, but your behaviour has been absolutely disgraceful. You may stay in town.’

‘Don’t be dramatic.’

‘Too late for that.’ Esther forced a drink into Nathalie’s hand and pushed her upstairs.

Ciana looked at her brother, eyebrows quirked with concern.

‘I don’t know,’ he whispered.

As soon as Esther and Nathalie were close enough, Ciana reached for her mother. ‘Mama?’

Nathalie took her daughter and held tightly.

Adrien rested a hand on her shoulder. ‘Mom?’

She settled Ciana on her hip and pulled his close as they climbed the stairs.

They found Gabriel pacing in the assigned bedroom. To the speaker phone, he said, ‘Just spit it out.’

On the other side of the line, Finley gasped and said, ‘Thepipesunderthefloorleaked, andnowcontractorshavetornupeverything.’ She took a deep breath. ‘You have no kitchen for the next two months.’

Adrien froze in the doorway, eyes wide.

Two months?

No kitchen?

Reynard’s voice said, ‘The report included the dining room. No kitchen, no dining room. They're checking the rest of the ground floor now.’

Nathalie collapsed on the bed and pulled a pillow over her head.

Gabriel looked in horror at the bed and then at Adrien. To the phone, he said, ‘You have a week.’

Finley squeaked as the call ended.

‘What happened?’ said Gabriel.

[1] ‘Mother of God.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story has gotten so far away from me that I’m about to edit the tags until I can actually deliver on what I’m promising. A big thank you to everyone here for Lukagami and Rolling Stone because your patience is phenomenal.


	25. The Perfect Cuppa

Despite the drama upstairs, peace reigned down in the kitchen. Gentle café music played on the speaker, and Kagami was stirring select spices into the batter.

‘Remember to stir from the shoulder,’ said Marinette, mincing chocolate on a cutting board. ‘No one likes a sore shoulder.’

‘I’m a fencer.’

‘Similar muscles, different use.’

Kagami corrected her posture and continued stirring.

Marinette scraped the chocolate into the bowl. She did a double-take at her friend and grinned.

Kagami looked up. ‘What is it?’

‘You’re humming.’

Seeing Kagami’s blush, Marinette said, ‘No! It’s adorable! It makes you seem like you’re finally relaxed.’

‘Don’t let my mother hear that.’

‘Speaking of…’ Marinette took the bowl. ‘Keep the spoon. What about your mother?’

Kagami licked the wooden spoon. ‘This is delicious. Um, Mother knows I’m with the Agrestes for the week. That’s about all she knows.’ 

Marinette poured the batter into a baking dish. ‘How’s it feel?’

The fencer took the empty bowl and scraped the spoon around the edge. ‘It’s nice. Really nice. As long as I keep up with my exercises, I don’t think she’ll be able to complain.’

‘Good.’ Marinette shuffled the baking dish and tapped it against the counter, trying to get the top even. ‘Speaking of exercise, how do you feel about water sports?’

‘As long as I can see more than three metres in front of me, I’m good.’

‘Awesome.’ Marinette slid the pan into the oven. ‘Someone said there are canoes and kayaks in the boathouse. Want to make a girls’ day of it with Alya and Chloe?’ 

Kagami nodded, making her bangs bounce. A sly grin slid along her face. ‘We row at dawn, correct?’

Marinette stuck her tongue out. ‘Just for that, I’ll make sure you don’t nap before the Good Friday Vigil.’

‘Do we really have to go to that?’

Before Marinette could answer, the local cranky blond giant grabbed a kitchen stool and sat at the counter. ‘What do I have to do to get a proper cup of tea?’ said Felix.

Kagami licked the spoon. ‘Die.’

Marinette snickered.

‘Hilarious.’ Felix turned to Marinette. ‘And what did I ever do to you?’

Her eyebrows arched. ‘Would you prefer it alphabetically or chronologically? Because I have time for both.’

‘Fine. But what do I have to do for a proper cuppa?’

Kagami opened her mouth.

He scowled at her.

She continued licking the spoon, maintaining eye contact until he looked away.

Marinette pulled out eggs and cracked the whites into a fresh bowl. ‘You could always make your own tea.’

‘Er, yeah, that’s the problem.’ Felix traced a whorl in the butcher’s block. ‘I always manage to stew it. We’ve tried everything, and it never comes out right.’

‘Hm.’ Marinette crossed her arms. ‘All right; let’s make a deal.’

He looked up.

‘I’ll make you a pot of tea if you help beat the egg whites.’

Felix stared at the hill of empty shells in their own bowl. ‘Very well.’

‘Boy’s desperate,’ muttered Kagami as she rinsed the spoon off.

‘You have no idea,’ he said.

Marinette slid the bowl of egg whites and the whisk over. ‘Start stirring. I’ll get the water ready. Do you want an apron?’

Felix looked down at his dove grey trousers and black pullover with a school tie. ‘I’ll be fine.’

‘Your funeral.’

‘Isn’t there a saying about not upsetting the chef?’

‘Yes, and I’m a baker. Now get whipping.’

Kagami grinned.

The water for the tea hadn’t even boiled by the time Felix started (rightfully) complaining. Comments such as ‘Do you really need icing for this?’ and ‘How much longer?’ and ‘Is it done yet?’ poured from his mouth at a regular rate.

‘You know,’ said Kagami, ‘if you worked your arm like you worked your mouth, that icing would be ready by bedtime.’

‘What did I ever do to you?’

The girls put their hands on their hips.

He pursed his lips and continued stirring.

Two minutes later, just as the water was boiling, Felix said, ‘Is it done yet?’

Marinette checked it and shook her head. ‘Does your arm feel ready to fall off?’

‘Not quite.’

‘Well, then, as my Papa always said, if your arm doesn’t feel like it’s about to fall off, you haven’t beat it enough.’

Kagami snorted and giggled, holding her hand over her mouth.

Marinette’s eyes widened as she followed the joke.

Felix’s lips twitched. ‘Mind your tongue, Future Mrs Agreste. People could get ideas from such language.’

In a sickeningly sweet tone, Marinette said, ‘Why would I need to mind my tongue when your cousin does it for me? Besides, he likes it when my tongue gets a bit…naughty.’

Felix had the grace to blush and resumed beating the egg whites.

Marinette leaned across the island couter top and patted his hand. ‘Abuela said there are plenty of family members of an appropriate age and background if you’re feeling lonely.’

‘I’m not lonely.’

‘No; just desperate.’

Felix slammed the bowl onto the counter. ‘I quit.’

Marinette tilted the bowl and clicked her tongue at the state of the egg whites. ‘The culinary arts are not your calling.’

‘Gah!’ He stormed out and ran right into Jagged Stone.

‘Hey, mate,’ said the singer. ‘Where’s the fire?’

‘He’s leaving before he sets one,’ said Marinette.

‘Fuck you!’ Felix stormed out.

She chuckled, eyes narrowed. ‘It’s adorable when they get angry.’ 

Jagged looked from Marinette to Felix’s retreating back to Marinette again. ‘Trouble in paradise?’

‘That’s Felix, Adrien’s cousin.’

‘Ohhhhh, right. They tend to run together.’

‘For everyone.’ Marinette took the water off the range and poured it into the pot. ‘Since Felix left, would you like the tea that he bartered away use of his left arm for the next three days?’

‘You read my mind.’ Jagged looked through the cupboards and pulled out the necessary paraphernalia. ‘Need a fresh arm to help with that?’

Marinette checked the stiffness of the icing and gave it three good stirs. ‘Actually, I think we’re good.’

Jagged took the pot of tea and sat on a bar stool.

‘Poor Felix,’ said Kagami. ‘So delicate. Even that black tea is made of hardier stuff than he is.’

‘You were kind of mean to him,’ said Marinette.

Kagami shrugged. ‘He’s had it coming.’

‘I mean, yeah.’

Jagged swallowed his tea. ‘Pretty sure that if you just ask, the boy will be more than thrilled to snog you into next year.’

‘What? Ew!’ Kagami covered her eyes. ‘Why would I want to kiss that idiot?’

‘It’d make your mother happy?’ said Marinette.

Kagami glared at her. ‘No.’

Marinette struck a pose and fluttered her eyelashes, hands pressed against her cheeks. ‘ “Oh, Maman! I may not have secured Adrien Agreste, but I have won the hand of the next best thing—”’

‘The off-brand that is Felix Graham de Vanily?’

Jagged sputtered, spraying tea everywhere. He covered his mouth and howled with laughter. Tears leaked from his eyes, sending rivulets of black eyeliner down his cheeks and into his beard.

They waited for his laughter to die down into muffled squeaks and snorts.

‘It wasn’t that funny,’ said Kagami.

Marinette snorted, an uncontrolled giggle slipping out. ‘Oh, no. It was.’

Jagged grabbed a paper towel and dabbed at his face. ‘Oh, my! Thank you for that. I haven’t laughed that hard in a long while. And yes, it’s that hilarious. Whoo! But, seriously,’ his tone became serious, ‘if you’re in the market, Mr Black and Blue is the one for you.’

Kagami blushed crimson. 

Jagged smiled smugly and drained his tea cup. ‘Called it. And as Marinette’s self-appointed uncle, I’ve conducted many studies concerning guitar callouses and the art of love—’

‘Eep!’ Marinette dropped the baking dish and covered her ears. ‘Please, no more!’

Fortunately for everyone, the dish landed on the counter.

Kagami’s eyes bugged at the implication and blushed harder. ‘Why?’ she wailed.

Jagged’s eyes twinkled as he poured a fresh cup of tea and mixed in lemon. ‘What else is a favourite uncle supposed to do?’

‘No idea,' said Kagami. 'I don’t have any uncles.' 

‘Same,’ said Marinette. 'At least, none within a reasonable distance.' 

A crash sounded upstairs, right where the foyer was located. Three pairs of eyes looked upwards as a torrential outpouring in multiple languages filtered down through the floor and the corridor.

Jagged sipped the tea. ‘Enjoy your week of learning.’

They jumped as something heavy landed on the floor above. Dishes rattled as an especially deep voice spoke.

Marinette’s eyebrows quirked. ‘Does Nathalie have a Disney villain in the family?’

‘At this point, I wouldn’t be surprised.’ Kagami poured a cup of tea. ‘To a very long weekend.’

She downed the entire cup in one gulp.

‘It’s not whisky,’ said Jagged.

‘Give me ten minutes to find the liquor cabinet. Then we’ll talk.’ 

Marinette said, ‘And that’s my cue to cut you off.’

‘Can’t handle her liquor?’ said Jagged.

Marinette nodded as Kagami scrunched up her face and made another cuppa. 


	26. She's Just...The Worst

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's comedy has been brought to you by a Starbucks' Frappuccino and a Dutch Bros' Cold Brew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nothing like throwing in your alter-ego self-insert character that you hate even before you write the chapter.

‘Can we please just go home?’ said Nathalie, arms wrapped around the pillow. ‘I can’t take this anymore.’

Ciana sat quietly beside her mother but stared anxiously at her father.

‘I don’t want the children in a house undergoing extensive reconstruction,’ said Gabriel.

‘It’s just the kitchen!’

‘It’s not just that! It’s—’ Gabriel ground his teeth. ‘Adrien, do you mind? I need to speak with your mother for a moment.’

Adrien stepped outside. As he closed the door, he heard his father say something about ‘everything in the basement.

Normally, he would have done the proper thing and eavesdropped, but with Nathalie so close to tears, and his father using the stock ‘please don’t come back until we’re done fighting’ phrase, distance was more than called for.

‘Plagg,’ he fished the Kwami out from under his shirt. ‘Did you have anything to do with that?’

Plagg yawned and stretched. ‘Huh?’

‘Did you have anything to do with exploding pipes?’

‘Give me a little respect, kid. Like all cats, I know a good home when I have it and have zero desire to make it any less comfortable than it should be.’

‘Fabulous. That’s all I needed to know.’ Adrien shoved Plagg back beneath his jacket and went down a level.

He found Luka and Dante on the stair landing. ‘Where’s Béatrice?’

Luka’s eyes remained fixed on the drama below. ‘Alya and Nino.’

‘Everyone,’ said a voice which made the wooden railing rattle, ‘this is Raquel.’

‘ _Hola_ , everyone!’

Adrien felt that ‘ _hola_ ’ in the deepest part of his soul. Something, somewhere, died, strangled too soon, never to be recovered…A hope buried so deeply its own ghost wouldn’t be able to find it…

In English, she said, ‘It’s so awesome to finally meet Dickie’s family! I’ve heard, like, so much about you!’

‘Oh, God.’ Dante rubbed his forehead. ‘It’s worse than usual.’

‘What do you mean?’ said Adrien, spotting Raquel easily. She looked like she had rolled out of the spa and into a pair of calfskin boots from a rival designer.

She also looked about twenty-five.

No wonder Nathalie was sick.

‘Usually they have a respectable number of brain cells,’ whispered Dante. ‘I’m wondering if this one still uses velcro trainers.’

‘Velcro is in for adult shoes currently.’

‘“Dickie”?’ said Abuela. ‘She calls you “Dickie”? Like the little bird?’

Someone said, ‘He’s finally softening.’

‘Dickie, what are they saying?’ Raquel tightened her grip on her husband’s arm. ‘I hope it isn’t anything cruel and mean.’

Luka rubbed his eyes. ‘Good God.’

Dante muttered, ‘I can’t take this. Call me when it’s time for dinner.’

‘How much to pitch her and Chloe against each other?’ said Adrien.

Luka said, ‘With the way this trip has been going, I’d say it’s more likely they’ll end up best friends and leave everything in smoking ruins by Monday.’

The boys jumped at the crashing of the dinner gong.

Despite the drama in front of her, Katya’s expression remained stern. ‘Dinner is served,’ she said in her stilted Spanish.

Her eyes flicked to Mr Sancoeur and Raquel. ‘I was not expecting you.’

‘We have reservations in town.’.

Katya nodded slightly and returned to the kitchen.

‘What did we miss?’

Adrien jumped and whirled around to see Nino and Alya. ‘Don’t! Do! That!’

Nino grinned, Béatrice sitting comfortably on his shoulders. ‘What’s the drama tonight?’

‘“Dickie” Sancoeur—’

‘I’m sorry, did you say “Dickie”?’

Luka said, ‘Unfortunately.’

Alya pulled out her phone. She blanched. ‘Ew! Why?’

‘That bad?’

She squeezed her eyes shut and handed the phone to Nino. ‘Don’t let me near that for the rest of the weekend.’

‘Unless it’s your parents, right?’

‘Only if they ask for me.’ She shuddered. ‘I’m so sorry I looked.’

‘Grandpapa Sancoeur has a reputation?’

‘The worst.’

Adrien rubbed his temples. ‘Can we stop calling him Grandpapa Sancoeur? It feels so gross.’

‘Which wife is this?’ said Luka. 

‘Number Five, according to the .28 seconds that I looked.’

‘Great.’ Adrien ruffled his hair. ‘Let’s hope she keeps her head.’

‘That’s terrible,' said Luka. 

‘But fair.’

‘ _Chicos!_ ’

‘Coming!’ Adrien led the tentative charge downstairs.

‘Sooooo,’ said Nino, ‘what do you know about Grandfather Sancoeur?’

‘Only what Nathalie’s mentioned: He wanted her to be a hacker and cut her off when she went into business. Oh, and Abuela hates him with a deep, burning passion.’

‘That’s just part of being Hispanic,’ said Dante casually.

The friends looked at him suspiciously.

Dante chuckled nervously. ‘He deserves it more than most.’

‘There you are.’ Esther swooped in and collected Béatrice. ‘Where’s Ciana?’

‘With Father and Nathalie,’ said Adrien.

She grimaced. ‘I’ll have Katya send up a tray. Go eat if you can.’

They found seats at the long table (which seemed to be growing ever shorter with each passing day). Adrien wriggled in to a spot beside Marinette and kissed her cheek. ‘How was baking?’

She rested a hand on his knee beneath the table. ‘Wonderful. Had some good girl time until Felix interrupted.’

Adrien looked for his cousin.

The nosy beggar was squeezed in between Santiago and Carmen, as was only fair.

Dishes were passed around, and the air filled with conversation.

Adrien loaded up his plate, mouth watering. His hand kept stealing under the table to reassure Marinette—well, himself.

Across the table and to the left, Santiago said, ‘Where’d he find this one? Las Vegas?’

‘More like Malibu Beach,’ said one of the American cousins. ‘Didn’t you see her tan?’

‘Oh, please,’ drawled Carmen. ‘Either of those would imply he knows how to have fun.’

Dante snorted.

Something tugged on Adrien’s leg hair.

He lifted the table cloth and saw Plagg floating by his leg. He raised an eyebrow.

Plagg jerked his head towards the door.

‘Excuse me.’ Adrien set his serviette on the table and scooched away.

Marinette followed, linking her fingers with his.

On the stairs, Esther said, ‘You should take dinner in your room.’

‘My sentiments exactly,’ said Gabriel.

Nathalie’s shoulders drooped even as she said, ‘I won’t hide. This is my family.’

Gabriel squeezed her hand and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. His other arm held Ciana.

She was happily fiddling with the pin in his cravat.

The deep voice barked, ‘Opening value of the Dow Jones!’

Nathalie snapped to attention. ‘The Dow Jones was ahead 255 points as of 10 a.m., EST this morning. Sir.’

‘Good,’ said R. W. H. Sancoeur, stepping into the foyer. ‘It’s good to know you haven’t become totally stupid.’

Gabriel’s jaw tensed, and his grip on Ciana tightened.

‘And this must be one of the twins,’ said Sancoeur softly. He held out a hand to Ciana.

She looked at the hand, looked at him, and returned to playing with her father’s pin.

‘Rather a rude little thing.’

Nathalie’s lips formed a thin line.

‘Oh, my Gawd!’

High-heeled boots clattered on the steps. Their owner yanked Nathalie into a hug.

‘I’ve heard so much about you!’ she gushed, holding her step-daughter back. ‘Oh, Dickie! She’s like the perfect melding of yours and Marcella’s genes!’

Sancoeur placed a hand on Raquel’s shoulder. ‘Nathalie was from my relationship with Theresa.’

‘Oh, Dickie—’

Adrien wondered how many more bits of his soul were going to die before this weekend was over. At this point, he would be rendered soulless before the conversation with step-grandmother (?) finished.

‘—You know how bad I am when counting large numbers.’

Okay, maybe a small part could be redeemed.

‘But you shouldn’t frown like that,’ said Raquel, tapping Nathalie on the nose. ‘Wrinkles are the bane of women everywhere.’ Her eyes flicked to the ceiling in imitation of thinking. ‘Except in candlelight. I think we’re allowed to get away with it then.’

She rubbed her hand on Nathalie’s arm. ‘It’s just so good to finally meet you, sweetie.’

Nathalie’s lip trembled. ‘Ex-excuse me.’ She slipped out from under Gabriel’s arm and ran upstairs, wiping at her face by the time she hit the first last landing. 

‘Look at what you did, Raquel,’ said Sancoeur.

She widened her eyes, the lighting exposing the emerald green orbs for the contacts they were. ‘What? Oh, Dickie, what did I do?’

Before he could say anything, she wailed, ‘Oh, God! I’ve ruined everything! She’s going to hate me forever, isn’t she?’

Adrien tried to edge behind Marinette.

She slowly backed into the dining room.

Raquel’s shriek bounced through one ear, bounced around inside his skull, and exited through the other. It then bounced off the silver-backed mirror in the alcove, around the alcove itself, and back through the ear it just exited in order to bounce around his skull again.

‘You must be Adrien!’

His grip on Marinette’s hand was broken as Raquel yanked him into a hug against her surprisingly flat chest (surprising given that she’s a trophy wife, and, well, traditionally plastic). ‘Mmph?’

‘You are just Too Cute! My sister is Ob-Sessed! with your career and has posters and all of your interviews and pictures and—!’

Adrien wriggled free and rubbed his smashed nose. ‘Er, thanks.’

‘Raquel,’ rumbled Sancoeur. ‘We are going to be late for our reservation.’

‘Oh, pooh-pooh! What’s yet another dinner reservation when you can finally meet your _darling_ grandchildren?’

The look Sancoeur gave would have sent Audrey Bourgeois back to the shadows.

Raquel simply batted her eyes and turned her attention to Ciana.

Instead of yelling, screaming, or throwing up on her step-grandmother, the little traitor held out her arms and snuggled up the newcomer.

‘I don’t even know anymore,’ muttered Adrien. ‘Father? Dinner’s getting cold.’

‘Eat!’ Ciana wriggled out of Raquel’s arms and to the floor. ‘Eat! Eat!’

Gabriel shooed Ciana towards Adrien. ‘Go to dinner. I’ll be along in just a minute.’

Once in the dining room, Esther collected Ciana and set her in a chair by Béatrice.

Adrien took his chair and dug in.

Nino’s voice snapped him out of a fog. ‘You’re eating without tasting.’

‘I’m plotting.’

They watched Marinette slip back in and take her seat.

Nino sighed. ‘Make sure you discuss it in committee first.’

‘Noted.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just realised we're at 300+ kudos for this story! Thank you so much everyone for your support. Do we want to do anything special to celebrate now that I have functioning social media?


	27. Star Light, Star Bright

Adrien stared through the blackness and in the general direction of the curtained windows. His phone lay beneath his pillow, the better to stop staring at the time crawling by.

Four more days until Easter Sunday, and the room was full of the sound of people in various stages of sleep: Nino on the other bed, Dante and his brothers (Antonio and Lucius) along with Luka on the floor, and Felix on the hideaway by the bow window.

Even though he was looking for her, it wasn’t until Tikki was tapping his cheek that he knew she was there.

‘All ready?’ he whispered.

‘Ready and waiting.’ A soft red light glowed as she phased back into the night.

Adrien slipped out from under his blankets and picked his way the maze of bodies sleeping on the floor. His toes brushed the brim of Nino’s hat, nearly crushing it.

That would’ve been a fun conversation in the morning. Even Ladybug’s Lucky Charm would have been hard pressed to rescue him then.

While trying to figure out how to open the window, Felix shuffled in his sleep and kicked his cousin hard in the knee.

Adrien doubled over. His mouth fell open in a silent scream at the blinding pain. ‘Fuuuuuu—Why? Why the hell are you even here?’

When Felix showed no interest in waking and engaging in a brawl/duel then and there, Adrien rubbed the injured limb and resumed his efforts against the old-fashioned latch.

It finally gave, and he uttered a silent prayer as it slid open.

A big thanks to whomever was listening! The window opened silently, and the teen climbed out onto the roof. He shivered in the chill air. ‘Plagg, claws out.’

The green light flashed. Chat Noir flexed his claws and pulled out his baton. Two seconds and eight metres later, he strolled across the very top roof some stupidly high level above the ground.

Marinette sat wrapped in a blanket, her feet on the edge of the tower roof.

‘Evening, Princess.’ Chat Noir settled next to her. ‘Mind if I share your blanket?’

‘Please. I’m freezing.’

He arranged the blanket around both of them and leaned back against the chimney, Marinette reclining against his chest, her hands resting on his.

‘I don’t recognise any of these stars,’ she said.

‘It’s not your balcony, that’s for sure.’

They watched a satellite cross the sky.

Marinette shifted. ‘I think I’d like it better if it wasn’t so cold.’

‘You could transform.’

‘Do you mind?’

He shook his head.

The pink light flashed, and Ladybug settled back with a contented sigh. ‘Much better.’

‘I trust you were transformed on your journey up here?’

‘Dante said the house is perfect for parkour.’

Chat Noir growled.’

She giggled. ‘Don’t worry, dear Mother Hen. I was transformed.’ She pinched the spot behind his knee, making him inhale sharply. ‘Thanks for coming. I miss you.’

He kissed the top of her head. ‘Me, too. It’s a lot of people.’

‘And a lot of drama. Just the situation with Tia Rita and the Gorilla makes me feel like we’re in one of Abuela’s telenovelas.’

‘And that’s without the new grandparents.’

‘Yeah. That’s—that’s—I can’t think of a word for how gross it is.’

‘Squicky?’

‘That sounds about right.’

‘Gotta love internet friends.’ Chat Noir inhaled deeply, enjoying the clean night air. ‘Wait. You watch telenovelas with Abuela?’

‘The clothing is interesting, especially the Mexican telenovelas.’

‘Sure.’

Ladybug reached up and patted his cheek. ‘You’re all right, Kitty.’

He ran his nose along her hairline and along her ear. ‘I love you, Princess.’

She tilted her head, inviting a kiss.

Chat Noir’s toes curled somewhere in his boots, his grip tightening around her waist.

Ladybug forced his legs down and straddled him, burying her fingers in his hair, her hips rocking gently.

‘Careful,’ he whispered as she kissed a trail along his collarbone.

She hesitated and pressed a gloved finger to the bare skin. ‘I miss the bell.’

He gave a lewd grin. ‘I think you have plenty of other ways to make me ring.’

The grin widened as the starlight betrayed Ladybug’s blush. ‘You like that, huh?’

‘Why do you ask questions to which you already know the answer?’ She settled his hands at the base of her hips and resumed her attack on his lips.

He squeezed, extending his claws. 

‘Gentle, Cha—Mm!’ She pressed a hand over her mouth, chest heaving.

‘I’ve missed this.’ Chat Noir nibbled on her neck. He grinned as her legs tightened around him. ‘Le Bac sucks.’

She gave him a dirty look. ‘Way to kill the-the-ah-ah-ahchoo!’

The sneeze propelled her towards the edge of the roof.

Chat Noir grabbed her. ‘Are you all right?’

‘Yeah. The cigarette smoke caught me off guard.’

He sniffed carefully. ‘Smells like Esther’s brand?’

They crawled to the edge, Chat Noir’s tail twitching.

Esther paced back and forth, the little glow at the end of her cigarette the only indication of her movements.

Ladybug squeezed Chat Noir’s shoulder and pointed.

He took out his baton, and they slid down to the porch roof. They could see Esther pacing on the gravel drive, a heavy blanket around her shoulders.

Wood creaked beneath familiar footsteps, and Chat Noir smelled his father’s cologne.

Esther stopped pacing and handed over her cigarette case and lighter. 

Gabriel took a cigarette and lit it with the borrowed lighter. He took a deep breath and exhaled into the night.

‘Long time?’ said Esther.

‘Over twenty years.’

Chat Noir gaped. His father? Smoking? He’d borderline ruined people’s careers for smoking backstage, so what was this?’

‘How do we get rid of him?’ said Gabriel.

‘You can’t.’ Esther resumed her pacing. ‘Believe me, if it was possible at all, Abuela would have had full custody thirty years ago.’

‘Any suggestions on where to begin looking?’

‘It’s going to cost more than even you have, Gabriel. The only way to get rid of him is by way of someone who has nothing left to lose by challenging him.’

‘Hmm.’ The light of a phone illuminated the designer’s face as he pulled up his phone.

The light caught the cure of Esther’s raised eyebrow. ‘Well?’

‘Information may lose its value the more it’s passed around, however, there are some things which even money and power find difficult to trap.’

‘And that is?’

‘Petty vengeance of the teenage variety is a start.’

‘Speaking of experience?’

‘Not as much as you if half the references Nathalie’s dropped have been any indication.’ The phone’s light caught the cruel smile on his face.

On the roof, Ladybug gasped.

Esther’s head whipped around. She seemed to stare directly at them.

Chat Noir took Ladybug’s hand and squeezed. 

The phone rang, splitting the quiet.

Gabriel jumped, the phone slipping from his fingers.

Esther tried to catch it and failed.

He caught it just before it landed on the rocks. ‘I hate these things.’ He pressed the green button. ‘Gabriel…’

Esther paced in a small circle.

‘No, I don’t know where he is—What do you mean “in labour”?’

Everyone’s ears pricked up at that question.

‘How—Have you tried calling him? WHAT DO YOU MEAN “IN MY SHOES”?’

‘Oh, no,’ groaned Chat Noir.

‘Fine. I’ll look for him. Be there in a minute.’ Gabriel terminated the call and smacked the phone against his forehead.

‘Excitement?’ said a grinning Esther.

‘Phantom’s in labour.’

Chat Noir squawked, ‘What?’ and fell off the roof. ‘Ow…’

‘Adrien?’

‘Plagg, Claws In,’ muttered the superhero from beneath a clump of bushes.

As soon as the transformation faded, he climbed out and over the porch railing. ‘What’s going on with Phantom?’

The adults looked at the roof.

Marinette waved shyly.

‘Do I want to know?’ said Gabriel.

Esther chuckled around her cigarette. ‘Only if the life insurance policy has kicked in.’

‘You’re terrible.’

‘It’s what crazy cousins do.’

‘Like enabling a bad habit?’ said Adrien innocently.

Gabriel stubbed out the cigarette, his face both guilty and furious. 

‘For the record, Nath’s going to be livid when she finds out you’re smoking.’

‘That’ll be wonderful for her blood pressure,’ said Esther. ‘Marinette, mind the drain pipe when you come down. The screws are still loose.’

‘Okay!’

‘Please don’t break your neck, Marinette,' said Gabriel. 'I'd hate to have to explain it to your parents.' 

‘More like you’d be upset about it ruining your dynastic plans,’ said Esther.

Adrien tried to laugh but ended up choking on the cigarette smoke. ‘What’s wrong with Phantom?’

‘Your cat is currently giving birth to kittens in my shoes.’

‘Uh…how? She’s an indoor ca…’ Adrien fumbled through his pockets. Plagg had to be behind this.

Gabriel took his son and heir by the collar. ‘I don’t know how, but I do know that it’s happening now. Upstairs.’

‘Yes, sir!’

As Adrien ran up the stairs, a grin split his face. _Kittens!!!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the dry spell; please enjoy that which was outlined weeks ago but I only just finished. The good news is that certain relatives have returned home for the cooler months. 
> 
> On a serious note, "Smoked Book_Squirrel" is a current option on the menu due to the West Coast fires. Thankfully, smoke is the only thing my community has only had to deal with. Hope and prayers for safety for anyone else here living in any affected areas.


	28. Trouble Trouble

_Tickle._

_Tickle tickle._

_TickleTiCKleTICKLETI—_

‘Ah-CHOO!’

The once deeply asleep Felix flew halfway off the bed from the force of his sneeze. ‘Ow…’ He sniffed and rubbed his nose.

A pair of eyes glowed in the darkness.

‘Hot buttered biscuits!’ He rolled to the other side of the bed and pulled the duvet around his shoulders. ‘Can’t you ever wake someone up like a normal person?’

Chloe tapped a taloned nail against her bicep. ‘I’m here to make a deal.’

‘Why would I help you?’

‘Because it’s definitely illegal and very much a dick move.’

‘Damn it.’ He crawled out of the duvet and pulled on a sweatshirt. ‘All right. Where do we start?’

‘Grab your manicure kit and queue up the theme for Fred and George. We have a very determined client.’

Felix rubbed his eyes. ‘I am not awake enough for this.’

‘All the better.’ She picked her way through the darkened room and into the corridor.

Felix grabbed his kit and followed her.

A hand wrapped around his ankle.

Chloe whipped around at his muffled squeal. ‘I don’t remember you being this lily-livered when we were kids.’

He gestured in her direction. To the floor, he hissed, ‘Are trying to kill me?’

Luka sat up and whispered, ‘Mind your stupid feet, and I won’t have to.’

Dante muttered in his sleep.

A thin beam of light cut through the darkness as Chloe stepped into the corridor.

Felix stepped over the sleeping cousins, tiptoed around Nino’s hat, and slipped through the open door.

Kagami staggered down the corridor, tying the sash on her dressing gown. She gave an enormous yawn and rubbed her eyes. 

Luka inhaled sharply.

She blinked twice before returning the squeak.

Chloe rolled her eyes. ‘Put a shirt on, would you?’

‘Wha—What?’ He licked his lips and flexed. ‘Not impressed by what you see, Bourgeois?’

Kagami’s eyes visibly widened, and she stood up straighter.

‘Trust me; there isn’t anyone here to impress.’ Chloe side-eyed Kagami.

‘Not that anyone’s admitting,’ muttered Felix peevishly.

Chloe socked the Brit in the shoulder. ‘Go back to bed, Couffaine. This is a covert mission,’ she glanced at Kagami, ‘not a team up.’

Kagami wrinkled her nose. ‘You shouldn’t have woken me up if you didn’t want me tagging along.’

‘I’m happy to go back to bed,’ said Felix.

‘No!’ said three voices.

The door creaked open wider, and Nino squinted at them. ‘If you want to wake the whole household, you’re doing a great job.’

‘So that’s what you look like without your glasses,’ said Kagami.

‘This isn’t a time for the law-abiding middle class, Lahiffe.’

‘I don’t even know what that means.’ But he shut the door.

‘Wait,’ said Luka. ‘What am I?’

‘Apparently the _de facto_ adult,’ said Felix.

He dodged another blow from Chloe.

She brushed a clump of hair out of her face. ‘I’m starting to regret bringing you along.’

‘Sleep.’

‘Nope.’ Luka grabbed him by the collar of his pyjamas. ‘You keep waking people up and therefore must suffer the consequences.’

‘It’s Chloe’s fault, technically.’

‘Yeah, but you go back to England in a few days…weeks.’

Kagami nodded wearily. ‘We’re stuck with Chloe.’ Before the blonde could protest, she punched her in the shoulder.

‘Ridiculous.’ Chloe rubbed her shoulder and stuck her nose in the air. ‘Follow me.’

Felix groaned and obeyed.

Kagami hugged herself and fell into step alongside Luka.

As they reached the steps, Luka said, ‘You okay there, Tsurugi?’

‘I could be asleep right now.’ She held on to the the banister. ‘We should all be asleep like _responsible_ members of society.’

Chloe gave her the Stink Eye. ‘Unfortunately for you, I need your hand-eye coordination and reflexes.’

‘I told you yoga isn’t real exercise.’

The heiress turned and glared at Felix. ‘I only need you for the next seven minutes. I suggest you choose your next words wisely.’

She continued walking up.

Kagami and Luka followed, each shooting him a look of disgust.

‘Are you ever going to tell us what we’re doing?’ said Felix, jogging to catch up.

‘I’ve been tasked with taking on the Screeching Succubus and the Geriatric Playboy[1]. I needed assistance, so here we are.’

Luka blinked. ‘Why?’

‘Because they’re awful.’

‘Who hired you?’

‘I don’t suppose you’d believe I’m doing this out of the goodness of my own heart?’

Three snorts answered her question.

‘Last time you did something out of “the goodness of your own heart”,’ said Felix, now awake enough to include air quotes, ‘my mum received a £300 dry cleaning bill.’

‘And that’s one of today’s tasks.’ Chloe opened a bedroom door and turned on the light.

‘But why do you need the manicure set?’

‘Remember what we did at the one party with the Swedish model?’

Felix screwed up his face. ‘The one who only ate salmon, or the one who Aunt Emilie threw in the pool?’

‘I’m guessing the one who ended up in the pool?’ said Kagami.

‘Neither.’

‘There wasn’t—oh. Her.’ Felix's fond smile slid into an evil grin. ‘Well, if you insist.’

Chloe threw open the door of the en suite bathroom and handed out cotton gloves. ‘Tsurugi, you’re in change of toilet and facial tissue everywhere. Couffaine,’ she handed him a cassette tape, ‘there’s surround sound in the walls. Felix—’ She pointed at the monogrammed suitcases.

He pranced over to the designated corner. ‘With pleasure.’

Chloe disappeared into the bathroom. The sound of jars and cosmetic containers rattling trickled through the open door.

‘Hey, Chloe,’ called Luka. ‘Do you have a screwdriver?’

She handed one through the door. A squelching sound came from within.

‘Do I want to know?’

‘You really don’t,’ said Felix, his scissors snip-snip-snipping through a pair of silk undergarments.

Chloe popped out and tossed a jar of Surprisingly Cheap foundation to Felix.

He whistled under his breath as he daubed makeup on various dry clean only articles.

Luka pried open the panel in the wall and looked over the sound system. ‘Hm.’ He ran a hand over the walls and followed the wires to the light switch. ‘Yikes.’

‘What is it?’ said Kagami, adjusting the drape of the toilet tissue on the chandelier over the bed. She bounded on the bed a couple of times, her hair flopping with the movement.

‘Someone’s stupidity with the electrical wiring is going to be our saviour.’ He popped the switch plate off and clicked his tongue. ‘This place should’ve been toast years ago.’

‘Old houses are weirdly resistant.’ Felix held up a polo and checked his reflection in the mirror. ‘Not bad.’

Chloe cleared her throat.

‘Spoil sport!’

‘Brat!’

‘Takes one to know one!’

‘And you’re preaching to the choir.’

Kagami stepped off the bed and strolled over to Luka. ‘How long until they kiss it out?’

Luke glanced over his shoulder. ‘Mm, I give it sometime Saturday. Maybe after Good Friday vigil if they’re especially tense.’ He tilted his head. ‘Your tissue draping and stuffing look good. Want to join me in the search for the fuse box?’

‘The what?’

He held the door open. ‘The thing that makes the electricity stop and go.’

She stuck her nose in the air and stepped into the corridor…only to trip over a thin rug and stumbled into a painting of an Esteemed Ancestor, knocking it from its hooks.

Kagami pressed against the painting, grimacing as the frame dug into her body.

‘Hold on.’ Luka reached around her, his arms brushing her face. He set the portait on its hooks. ‘It was crooked anyways.’

She stepped back and turned to face him. ‘Thanks.’

He reached out and smoothed her hair.

His hand dropped at her widened eyes. ‘Sorry, force of habit.’

She took a deep breath. ‘It’s—it’s fine.’ She glanced at the floor, realising his feet were bare. ‘Um, the box thing?’

‘Right.’

As they walked along, checking behind paintings and statues for the telltale panel, Kagami said, ‘Do you often make a habit of fixing girls’ hair?’

‘Only the pretty ones.’

She rolled her eyes and moved on from the picture of Doña Catalina Esperanza de la Rosa to a model ship on a pedestal.

A girl’s voice said, ‘What are you doing?’

They jumped and spun to glare at the interloper.

The girl’s eyes widened. ‘Oh, my—You’re Kagami Tsurugi!’

Kagami glanced over the girl, taking in the long, athletic build. ‘Let me guess, Martin’s sister?’

She nodded, fists pressed against her cheeks to try and contain the grin. ‘I can’t believe I’m meeting you!’

‘Sh!’ hissed Luka and Kagami together.

‘OH, don’t worry. The doors are practically soundproof. Katya had them refitted after The Incident four years ago.’

‘Do we want to know?’ said Kagami.

Luka said, ‘What’s your name, kid?’

‘It’s Anita, and the incident was everyone knowing exactly when a couple of cousins were conceived.’ She tossed her ponytail over her shoulder.

‘Shouldn’t you be in bed?’ said Luka. ‘It’s the middle of the night.’

She crossed her arms. ‘Should _you_ be in bed? Or are you off for a late night tryst?’

As Luka sputtered, Kagami said, ‘Let’s make a deal—’

‘Oh, God,’ groaned Luka.

Kagami ignored him. ‘Show us where the fuse box is for this floor, and I’ll spend an hour training you before breakfast.’

Anita bounced on her toes. ‘Only if you push me as hard as your coach does.’

‘My mother is my coach, and I don’t want your family to kill me for making you cry. I’ll push you half as hard.’

‘Three-quarters?’

‘Sure, whatever.’

Anita’s eyes glittered, and her ponytail quivered with excitement. ‘The fuse box is under the stairs on the ground floor. Would an hour be long enough for whatever you’re doing? I can run down and do it for you!’

‘More than enough,’ said Luka, smiling at her enthusiasm.

She nodded and ran down the stairs.

‘Well, that was easy.’

‘Nice for us.’ Kagami smiled up at him.

‘Um, we should,’ Luka rubbed his hands on his pyjama bottoms.

The clicking of expensive heels echoed down the corridor.

‘Uh, oh.’

They got back to the bedroom as Raquel put her hand on the door knob.

Luka tried to stop, but the thin rug gathered and slid under his movement.

Kagami ran into him, and they tumbled to the floor.

‘Oh, gosh! Are you two all right?’ cried Malibu Barbie. She clattered over to them.

‘Ergh,’ groaned Luka.

With her nose buried in Luka’s neck, Kagami’s face turned steadily redder.

‘Oh, be careful!’ Raquel helped the girl up. ‘You don’t want to, like, hurt the poor boy.’

‘Too—oof! Late.’ With Kagami gone, Luka rubbed the approximate location of his spleen. ‘Was that the same rug from earlier?’

‘Yup.'

Raquel smiled sympathetically and pushed the door opened. ‘Come on in. I have something help with the brui—’ Her plastic smile dissolved into an O. Her eyes somehow managed to get wider.

Felix and Chloe froze. The bed sheet they had been in the middle of throwing fell back on top of them.

‘Oh, my gawsh! Is this a party?’ Raquel resumed her smile and strolled into the room. She touched the toilet paper covering the mirror. ‘This is, like, so retro!’

She noticed the shredded clothing, and the inane smile disappeared. ‘Richard is going to be furious.’

Chloe raised an eyebrow. ‘Does he believe you dumb enough to have slept through it all?’

Raquel mirrored her posture. In perfect French she said, ‘Don’t be ridiculous.’ 

[1] Thanks for the descriptors, SteelBlaidd!


	29. Spa Day From Hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone who's here from the Rolling Stone tag, you have been far, FAR too patient, and I thank you.

Penny settled in the rocking chair and rested her feet the porch railing. Birds sang, ATVs hummed and whined somewhere over the hill, and—despite being on vacation—fifty-odd emails demanded her attention.

She brushed her hair off her forehead and tapped on the oldest email: Yet another round of Bob Roth attempting to pit Jagged and XY against each other.

Nepotism, honestly.

The email attempted to load. Penny groaned as the screen dimmed and a blue circle spun. _Attempting to reconnect_.

Ah, yes. Nothing like wifi in the country. All it needed was the sweetened tea and about five million insects trying to eat everyone.

When the circle showed no sign of disappearing, she smacked the tablet against her thigh. ‘Work, damn it!’

An arm wrapped around her shoulder and squeezed gently. A hand with painted black nails held up a cup and saucer. ‘Relax. We’re on holiday.’

‘Just in time.’ Penny let the tablet fall into her lap and took the offering.

‘Aren’t I always?’ said Jagged Stone, squeezing again. 

Floorboards groaned as Fang settled by the rocking chair. His eyes twitched as he watched the birds flutter about.

Jagged nuzzled Penny’s neck as she sipped her tea.

She chuckled and squeezed his hand. ‘You’re going to put me in a good mood.’

His lips passed to the other side of her neck and up to her chin. ‘I fail to see the issue.’

‘Bob’s up to his usual tricks.’

‘As usual. What is it this time? Another perfume ad?’

A bird squawked on the lawn.

They watched as one of the resident cats dragged its breakfast back into the bushes.

Fang growled low in his throat.

‘Easy, boy,’ said Jagged. ‘You already ate.’

Penny idly stroked Jagged’s finger.

The tablet chirped. _Unable to Restore Connection._

‘Bugger.’

‘Excellent.’ Jagged reached around and plucked the tablet away. He slid it into his back pocket. ‘I have you all to myself.’

‘Are you sure you want to interfere with my morning tea?’ Penny slid her hands into his hair and pulled gently. ‘I’m already on a short fuse.’

His breathing staggered. He took a deep breath and rasped, ‘I’ll be your morning tea.’

‘With cream?’

‘As much as your heart desires.’

He moved away, and Penny shivered at the sudden breeze brushing her neck. ‘Come back here.’

Jagged dropped into the rocker next to her and motioned over his shoulder. ‘Footsteps.’

‘Goo-ood morning!’

Penny rubbed the space behind her ears. ‘Ow.’

‘She has impressive vocals,’ muttered Jagged.

‘You are not adding her to the team.’

Raquel clattered onto the porch. ‘What an adorable crocodile!’

Fang squinted his eyes at her and shifted onto his side, exposing his belly.

‘Aw, thanks for the invite, big boy.’ Raquel crouched down and rubbed the exposed stomach.

‘Well, I’ll be damned.’ said Jagged, eyebrows a mile high. ‘He’s never done that for anyone!’

‘I’ve always had a weird knack for all sorts of animals.’ She cooed at Fang.

Penny reached over and pinched the inside of Jagged’s elbow.

He automatically patted her hand.

Raquel’s eyebrows gave the faintest of twitches. ‘Anywhoooooo—’ She stood, leaving Fang glassy-eyed, tongue lolling from his mouth.

‘Slut,’ hissed Jagged at his pet.

The crocodile’s tail flopped twice.

‘He’s such a sweet boy,’ said Raquel. ‘Nothing like the gators back home.’

‘Gators? Alligators?’ said Jagged. ‘You’re from Florida?’

‘ _God_ , I _wish_ I was worthy of holding the title of Florida woman. Alas, it was not meant to be.’ She cradled her hands to her chest in semblance of a prayer. ‘Dad works with reptiles at the San Diego Zoo. The training was more helpful than you’d think.’

Raquel turned to Penny. ‘But Penn—Can I call you Penn?—You ab _sol-_ utely _have_ to join Nathalie and me at the spa today! It’ll be so perfect!’

Penny shared a glance with Jagged. ‘I mean, as nice as that sounds, I—’

‘Perfect!’ Raquel clapped her hands. ‘Nathalie needs a friend her age to confide in, and, _honestly_ , what better place than the _spa_?’

The single-pane glass wavered in its window.

Before they could fail to try to respond, she said, ‘Don’t worry. I know it’s awkward, but I figure the poor woman can have at least _one_ treat from her dear, beloved papa.’

‘Actually,’ said Jagged, ‘Penny and I—’

‘Even better! Gabriel needs a friend to join him!’

That lost them. The couple stared blankly.

Finally, Penny said, ‘I’m sorry. What?’

‘Oh, just get up, would you? No need to grow mold as Grandma liked to say!’

‘Er, Gabriel and I aren’t—’

Raquel shooed them down the steps and towards the cars. ‘I know, he’s not really a friend, but he does need someone to confide in, and there aren’t any other men booked there today—I already checked because poor Nathalie _really_ needs time away from her responsibilities and even if Gabriel’s her biggest responsibility—’

Penny whispered, ‘Does she ever run out of breath?’ as Raquel shoved them into an antique limousine.

‘—And it’s just, like,we’ve _got_ to get a break from those kids, as brilliant as they are.’

‘As admirable as it is,’ said Jagged, ‘am I supposed to be bloody _babysitting_?’

A throat cleared from the other side of the car.

‘Oh,’ said Jagged, hair and shoulders drooping.

Penny gave an awkward wave at Gabriel and Nathalie. Frankly, they looked half an inch from outright huddling on their side of the vehicle.

Raquel slid in and closed the door. ‘Okay, Pierre! We’re ready!’

The driver started the car and smoothly guided it to the town.

As soon as they were inside the spa, Raquel sent the men off with an attendent. ‘Enjoy your male bonding! Come back friends!’

Nathalie waited until they were in the women’s dressing room before giving a half-hysterical giggle. ‘“Male bonding”? You want Gabriel—’ She sputtered with laughter.

‘I do have to ask,’ said Penny. ‘Does he actually sleep with that stupid cravat?’

‘Not since our marriage.’ Nathalie set her glasses neatly on the shelf and removed her pullover. ‘And I’m not sure he slept before then.’

‘That type usually doesn’t,’ said Raquel with a sigh. ‘At least yours is—oh,’ her voice softened, a faint Midwestern drawl creeping in. ‘Sorry, I forgot.’

‘How about we save conversation until after the massage?’ said Penny.

Raquel visibly brightened. ‘And then we can swap information?’

Nathalie studied her for a moment, eyebrows twitching. She nodded. ‘Very well, then. From one informant to another.’

Raquel smiled, showing all of her perfectly polished teeth. ‘The law of equal exchange.’

‘As always.’

Penny said, ‘Does this include pest control?’

Nathalie looked over and said, ‘It’s always about pest control.’

‘Sometimes the exterminator is just too heavy handed!’

Meanwhile, as the backroom dealing went down on the other side of the spa, Gabriel and Jagged sat on opposite side of the sauna, both refusing to make conversation or eye contact.


	30. Family Planning

As soon as the men emerged from their part of the spa, Raquel waved and called, ‘Yoohoo! There they are!’

‘Aaaaaaaaand she’s back,’ said Penny.

‘Pity,’ murmured Nathalie. ‘She’s almost enjoyable when not a—’

‘Oh, _my **GAWD**_!!!’

Every person in the building and every dog in a three kilometre radius winced.

Raquel reached up and squeezed Gabriel’s cheeks. ‘You’ve lost like five years! I totally _knew_ that treatment would work. So good of you to listen to my advice.’

Nathalie covered her mouth, equal parts horrified and entertained.

Gabriel’s face scrunched back into its familiar glower. He straightened his shoulders, trying to pull his head up high enough to escape her reach.

‘Oh, silly.’ She tapped his nose before batting her eyes at Jagged. ‘You look fabulous as always, Mr Stone.’

‘Please, Mr Stone is my father.’ Jagged took her hand and bussed it. He looked up at her mournfully. ‘You can call me Jagged.’

Gabriel groaned. ‘I thought that line finally went the way of the dinosaurs.’

‘Jealous that you can’t use it anymore?’ said Jagged, kissing Raquel’s hand again.

Penny crossed her arms and tapped her toe.

Jagged winked at her over Raquel’s shoulder and blew a kiss.

Nathalie raised an eyebrow and looked from Jagged to Penny and back again. ‘Really?’

Penny pursed her lips and nodded slightly.

Nathalie mimed locking her lips and slid the invisible key into her pocket.

Raquel’s phone pinged, and she stepped off to the side to take the call.

Meanwhile, a maroon sedan pulled alongside the pavement. The window rolled down, and Sabine waved to the group. ‘We made it!’

‘Oh, thank God,’ muttered Nathalie. ‘Sane people.’

Gabriel rested a hand on her shoulder. ‘Tom, Sabine, were we expecting you?’

Sabine made a face and gestured to the back seat.

The window rolled down, and a tiny Chinese woman stuck her head out. ‘Are you the boy’s father?’

Gabriel stared back, eyes wide behind his glasses. ‘Fuck.’

‘Language!’ called a voice in Italian.

The designer’s knees buckled.

Nathalie wrapped an arm around his waist and held tightly. ‘Is that—?’

Sabine nodded wearily. ‘Yes, Gina’s here, too.’

‘However did you survive?’

Tom lowered his head and said, ‘Carefully.’

Sabine’s brow wrinkled. ‘I can’t remember; did you meet Gina last—’

Waipo reached between the seats and pinched her daughter. She gave an order in Chinese.

‘Yes, we’ll see her in a few kilometres, Mother!’ Sabine mouthed _save me_.

‘I feel your pain,’ said Nathalie.

Jagged crouched by the car. ‘Hey, it’s Marinette’s family. Hello!’ He waved cheerfully.

‘Jagged! Penny! It’s so good to see you again!’

‘And not an Akuma in sight,’ said Penny with a grin.

Gabriel grunted and massaged his side, aiming a sharp look at Nathalie.

She stuck her chin out at him.

‘Gabey, Nath, don’t be like that!’ cried Raquel, thumbs dancing away on her phone. ‘It’ll undo all the work we just did!’

Gabriel coloured. ‘And since when am I taking orders from an actual _child_?’

She continued focusing on her phone. ‘I have to get back to the house before murder is done.’

‘Murder?’ squawked the grandmothers.

She waved her hand. ‘Nothing serious. Someone’s playing, like, really childish pranks on Dickie, and I just—I just _can’t_ with the thought of him and killing children. Well,’ she tossed her hair, ‘okay, teens, and they _totally_ have it coming, but then,’ she scoffed and muttered, head bobbing, ‘it’s not like he doesn’t.’

The limousine pulled to a stop behind the car.

Tom and Sabine looked through the rear view mirror.

‘I feel like I’m driving in the completely wrong income bracket,’ said Tom.

Sabine patted his arm. ‘Should we stop for lunch—?’

Nathalie shook her head furiously. ‘Please, make Abuela’s—or any of the tias’—day and arrive as hungry as you can.’

Seeing their hesitation, she said, ‘I am begging you.’

Sabine reached through the open window and squeezed her hand. ‘Understood. We’ll see you at the house—Yes, Mother…’

The car pulled away.

Raquel looked up from her phone. ‘Pierre will come right back and wait for you until you're ready to go back to the house.’

‘We can walk,’ said Nathalie.

‘We’ll _what_?’ cried Jagged and Gabriel.

Nathalie patted her husband’s middle. ‘It’ll be good for you.’

He looked down his nose at her, even while knowing it was a useless gesture.

Raquel waggled her fingers and slid into the limousine.

As soon as it turned the corner at the end of the street, Jagged said, ‘Twenty euros that they’re shagging.’

Nathalie released a long, slow breath. ‘I need a drink.’

Penny chuckled and ran a hand through her pixie cut. ‘Good thing it’s lunch and we’re on the Continent. Where’s the best place to eat here?’

‘No idea. We were never allowed to eat in town.’ She screwed up her face and in a persnickety voice said, ‘“ _Los restaurantes son muy caros_ , _mija_ ”[1].’

‘Let me guess,’ said Jagged, ‘followed up by a comment about how they can’t cook to save their lives?’

Nathalie nodded wearily.

Gabriel reached for his phone. ‘I’m sure there are plenty of reviews—’

Jagged slapped Gabriel’s hand away and clapped him in a one-armed hug. ‘Where’s your sense of adventure, mate?’ He motioned the restaurants glittering in the misty gloom. ‘We know none of these places which means that the breach front is our oyster, and—he-ey, hey, hey, Penn!’

She blinked twice before freezing, eyes wide. ‘No.’

‘Please?’

‘No oysters.’

‘Oh, come on!’

‘Not after last time.’

Jagged fell on one knee, clasped his hands under his chin, stuck out his lower lip, and widened his eyes. Tears gathered in the corners. ‘Please?' _Sniff_. 'I promise to not eat an entire bucket this time.’

Penny bit her lip, fighting a laugh. ‘That would require you exercising self-control.’

He threw his arms out. ‘But I’m older! Wiser! I’ve abandoned at least three percent of my foolish, youthful ways in the last six months!’ 

She shook her head. ‘And have the self-control of a five-year-old. No, scratch that. I think the Agreste twins have more self-control.’

Jagged jumped to his feet in a single, smooth motion. ‘They’re, what? Six?’

‘Eighteen months,’ said Nathalie, looking for the least obviously problematic food option. ‘They just talk a lot for their age.’

Gabriel puffed out his chest. ‘Intellectually, Agrestes tend to mature before their peers.’

‘Oh,’ said Nathalie, raising an eyebrow, ‘is that the excuse?’

He grimaced. ‘To which of my short comings are you referring this time?’

‘Think on it for a minute. It’ll come to you. In the meantime, my stomach is suggesting we find whomever is serving lamb stew and the strongest wine in town.’

Jagged slumped. ‘No oysters?’

‘Lamb’s better for you,’ said Penny.

Gabriel frowned. ‘It’s the obliviousness, isn’t it?’

‘Glad you noticed this time.’ Nathalie strode off in the direction of the restaurant.

Jagged grabbed Penny’s hand and ran with her towards the hole-in-the-wall eatery. ‘Last couple there buys!’

Gabriel shook his head. ‘So childish.’

‘And you could stand to be a little less of a—’

‘Mr Stone!’ barked Nathalie. ‘May I remind you this is a family resort?’

Jagged stopped, a giggling Penny slamming into his chest. A slow grin spread across his features. In the sweetest of tones, he said, ‘According to all family accounts, it _is_ the best place to start a family.’

He scooped Penny up into his arms and ran along the boardwalk.

‘Put me down!’ she laughed, bouncing with his momentum.

Walking at a sedate pace behind them, Gabriel said, ‘Not at all the professional relationship I’d expect.’

Nathalie waited.

Jagged bounded up the steps of the restaurant and set Penny down. He kissed her soundly, pressing her back into the wall.

Penny relaxed into his hold, her arms wrapped around his waist.

‘Oh,’ said Gabriel, stopping suddenly. ‘They’re together?’

Nathalie said, ‘I believe it would be safe to suspect such.’

‘A little less sarcasm, Ms Sancoeur.’

She looked up at him. ‘Or what?’

He wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her close. ‘Well, according to family chatter, couples have a terrible habit of getting pregnant here.’

She rested her head against his shoulder as they walked. ‘You say that like it’s a bad thing.’

‘Please?’

‘No more twins.’

‘If I remember my biology classes correctly, that is entirely your responsibility.’ Gabriel caught her hand. ‘No pinching. It’s not nice.’

‘Would you rather I bit you?’

His pupils dilated. ‘Be nice.’

She smirked. ‘And since when have you liked me _nice_?’

‘Oy!’ called Jagged. ‘Are we going to eat or what, mate?’

Gabriel released Nathalie’s lips and smiled with deep satisfaction. ‘Or what indeed?’

[1] “The restaurants are too expensive, dear.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I need ~20 truth or dare questions but the of the weird sort cousins would ask each other to make things awkward (sort of "Truth or Dare" with a side "Chicken" [the game, not the animal}). Any suggestions would be wonderful! Yes, Adrien has to answer every single one.


	31. Big Brothers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I need names for Phantom's kittens of which there are three (3). Fans of anime, what do you think Adrien would name them?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Discussion of kidnapping 
> 
> I promise that I'm trying to avoid taking this story down a temporary dark turn, but the temptation for an action scene is so great!

Adrien closed the door with a bump from his hip, and set his sisters on the floor. ‘Time to meet the kitties!’

The twins held tightly to his hands as he guided them across their parents’ room and to the corner where the suitcases were neatly stacked. Gabriel’s suitcase currently housed Phantom and her three kittens.

Béatrice squealed and jumped, tugging on her brother’s arm. ‘Baby!’

Phantom looked up, blinked slowly, and resumed licking the partial tuxedo kitten.

‘Be nice,’ said Adrien. ‘They’re really little, and—’

‘Pla!’ Ciana’s hand darted into the case, grabbed the black kitten, and tried to shove its head into her mouth.

‘Ciana, no!’ He grabbed his back, cupping it in his hand.

Phantom popped up, ears twitching. She gave an anxious, ‘Breow?’

The kitten lay in Adrien’s hand and cried at the interruption of its meal.

Plagg buzzed out of Adrien’s pocket and made soothing cat sounds.

Phantom simply stood up, collected her child by the scruff of its neck, and dragged it back to the Cat Nest.

Ciana’s lip wavered as her eyes filled up with tears. She reached for Plagg.

‘Why do I subject myself to this misery?’ groaned Plagg while making no effort to escape the toddler’s clutches.

‘Because it makes you equal parts irreplaceable as well as a martyr.’ Adrien sat and crossed his legs. ‘And you’re not helping. If my sister murders one of the kittens, it’s your fault.’

‘Says the boy who assumed I’d fathered a litter of kittens behind Tikki’s back.’

‘Bold sentence coming from someone covered in slobber.’

‘Eh.’ The Kwami shrugged and continued letting Ciana gnaw on his ear.

Béatrice pointed to the tuxedo kitten and looked at her brother. ‘Pla?’

‘Not “Pla”; _chat_. Cat. Phantom’s baby.’

She frowned, tiny eyebrows furrowing. ‘“Kwa”?’

Adrien smacked his face. ‘I knew I should have hidden the Kwamis away. Now you’ll never learn to call cats by their proper names.’

His sisters beamed at him, their blue eyes angelic.

Then they reached for a kitten each.

‘No!’ Adrien swatted at their hands.

Plagg flew to the curtain rod, the better to watch the action from a safe location.

Phantom tucked her kittens under her and gave Adrien a pointed stare, daring him to remedy the situation.

‘Chicken!’ shrieked Ciana, delighted by the kittens tucked under their mother for protection.

Béatrice tried to make clucking noises.

‘That’s it.’ Adrien grabbed Ciana by the waist and held her under one arm.

‘Wheeeeee!’

‘No, not “whee”. This is a punishment. Béatrice, come here!’

‘No!’ She crawled under the bed, exposing her frilly drawers.

‘Bé, please?’

Eyes glowed from the darkness under the bed. ‘No.’

Adrien’s mouth twisted, and he pulled out his phone. ‘Fine. I can eat humble pie.’

Two rings later, and he said, ‘Oh, Great and Powerful One! Teach me—yeah, we’re in my parents’ room…Well, we were _supposed_ to meet the kittens!’

‘Pla!’

‘But apparently my sisters have minds of their own and strong wills to boot. Yes, yes, you’d think I would have noticed that…Thanks.’

Adrien put the phone away and pulled Ciana onto his lap. He tickled her, grinning at she squirmed and laughed. ‘You’ve really done it now, Missy! The Great One who is the Alpha Big Brother is on his way!’

Béatrice crawled out enough, exposing a nose streaked with dust.

‘I solemnly swear—’

A fist banged on the door. ‘No swearing!’

Adrien sighed and rolled his eyes. ‘Yes, Abuela!’

‘And no rolling your eyes at me while you say that. _Joder_ , you’re just like Talia, _niño_ ,’ she said, voice trailing down the corridor.

Adrien held Ciana up and whispered, ‘How does she know?’

‘La!’

He scowled, twitching his nose just like their father. 

She giggled, smacked her brother on the forehead, and seized the opportunity to sneak back over to the kittens.

Luka knocked politely before stepping in. He left the door half-open. ‘Hey, everyone.’

Ciana crawled over Adrien and rushed her favourite babysitter, nearly knocking the teal-haired boy over. She was halfway up his leg before he could react.

‘Hey, none of that now.’ Luka picked her up and swung her around. ‘I can’t get my belt any tighter.’

‘Well,’ said Adrien, crawling to the bed, ‘you could.’

‘Let me rephrase that: At the risk of sacrificing my established fashion cred, I can’t tighten my belt any further.’

‘Give it five minutes, and you’ll even be back in fashion.’ Adrien reached under the bed. ‘C’mon, Béatrice…yeouch! No biting!’

An ominous giggle echoed from behind the bed skirt.

Adrien sat back on his heels and motioned to the trouble area. ‘Do you mind?’

Luka put Ciana on the bed and lay on his stomach. ‘Béatrice, come out, please.’

‘No.’

‘Cookie?’

‘No.’

‘How about Marinette?’

‘No!’

Luka sat up. ‘Wow. What’d Marinette do?’

‘No idea. Haven’t seen her since last night.’

Luka stuck his arm under the bed and felt around. ‘Nothing like a little rooftop tonsil tennis by the moonlight?’

‘Yeah…No! I mean…’ Adrien gave him a stink eye. ‘How’d you know?’

‘You and Felix are the absolute worst at sneaking out. Gotcha!’ Luka carefully pulled a squirming Béatrice out from under the bed. He rolled over and threw her into the air until she smiled and laughed.

She flopped down in his lap and snuggled close. Her eyes fluttered close, and she sighed with contentment.

Adrien smiled and smoothed his sister’s hair. His hand froze. ‘Wait, Felix snuck out?’

‘Horribly. Chloe needed his help pulling a prank.’ He smiled shyly.

‘What’s the smile for? Hmm?’

Luka’s cheeks pinked. ‘Nothing,’ he mumbled, kissing Béatrice’s head.

‘Chloe or Kagami?’

‘Damn; since when did you get observant?’

Adrien blushed to the roots of his hair and rubbed the back of his neck. ‘Er, the girls. Apparently your love for—I _think_ they said Kagami—is bad enough that there’s a betting pool running on which of you is going to die before admitting your affection.’ He cleared his throat and adjusted the collar of his shirt. ‘So I guess this is me saying be careful of matchmaking mamas, aunts, cousins, and friends with more romance than sense.’

The pink in Luka’s cheeks darkened. He chuckled nervously. ‘Well, you don’t have to worry about my interest in Chloe. As fun as it is to flirt with her, Felix has irritated her to the point of no return.’

‘Which means?’

‘Hopefully they’re snogging it out in a hay bale.’

The door opened wider to admit Alya. ‘We’d only be so lucky,’ she said before sitting next to the suitcase.

Phantom gave a silent meow of welcome and raised her head for head scritches.

Alya cooed and admired the tiny additions to the family. ‘Isn’t this your dad’s suitcase?’

‘Yep,’ said Adrien, snickering at the memory. ‘You should have seen him last night when Nathalie called. Phantom tried to give birth in his shoes. Now it’s just a case of her tucking them in the shoes whenever she has to leave, even if it’s just to go across the room.’

She grinned. ‘Do his shoes stink that badly that she assumes they’ll repel any wild animal in the vicinity?’

‘Maybe to he—Ciana! No!’

Alya reached over and freed the kitten from the toddler’s clutches. ‘Do they have a cat toy that they’re used to chewing on or something?’

‘Phantom’s usually pretty patient, and they have a couple of chewy toys that look like cats. That might be it.’

‘I’m sure,’ said Luka, a barely suppressed smile in his voice. He looked up at the curtain rod and winked at the half-hidden Plagg.

The Kwami’s ears drooped, and he wriggled further behind the draped fabric.

They all looked up at the _tap-tap_ against the door.

‘There you are,’ said Richard Sancoeur, a slim cane in hand. His thick hair was brushed back from his forehead today. His eyes scanned the room and fixed on Béatrice, curled up in Luka’s lap.

‘Can we help you?’ said Alya, crossing her arms.

He looked down his nose at her, eyes slightly narrowed. ‘No, no, I don’t believe you can.’ His eyes flicked over to Adrien. ‘Perhaps you could introduce me to my grandchildren.’

Adrien exchanged a glance with Luka.

Luka blinked and stood up, Béatrice limp in his arms. ‘Actually, we’re on our way to get them a snack.’ He forced a smile, his eye teeth glinting.

Sanceour leaned on his cane. ‘Surely you have plenty else to do in preparation for tonight’s service.’

‘As kind as the offer sounds,’ said Adrien, ‘my parents are pretty strict about who they let watch my sisters.’

A white eyebrow arched.

Adrien resisted the shiver running up his spine. The single motion was too, too familiar. He forced a laid-back smile on his face. ‘I mean, there’s fearful, there’s paranoid, and there’s whatever my father is when it comes to his children. You’d think someone was trying to snatch us from our cradles.’

‘Even now?’

‘Even. Now.’

Sancoeur nodded once. ‘Very well. I will see you at tonight’s service.’

As soon as he left, Adrien indulged the shiver. He waited for the sound of the cane to fade before latching the door.

‘Whelp,’ said Alya, ‘that was scary. Sheer intimidation, or trying to see how easy it would be to snatch the twins?’

Luka frowned deeply. ‘Either way, we need to rope in some assistance.’

‘Who’d you have in mind?’ Adrien sat on the bed and held Ciana a little tighter than he usually would. ‘I’m sure the whole family would be thrilled to tear Dear Old Step-Grandfather to pieces, but we’re going to want someone a little more specific.’

‘Dante’s a hockey player, and his brothers play rugby,’ said Luka. ‘And you know Tia Esther would murder them if they allowed anything to happen to the babies.’

‘Sounds good to me—Careful.’ Adrien supported Ciana as she bounced on the mattress.

Her smile disappeared, and she walked over to pat his shoulder. ‘Dri?’ She signed for him to smile.

Adrien forced a smile and smoothed her hair. ‘You’re right, Cici.’ He looked to his friends. ‘How much of that should I tell my parents? Normally I’d tell Nathalie everything, but, well…’

Alya said, ‘I think now is a perfect time to call Chloe. If anyone is an expert at the art of avoiding a—a kidnapping while not hiding behind locked doors, she’s the expert.’

‘Right.’ Adrien took a deep breath and pulled out his phone. ‘Here goes nothing.’


	32. Waipo Would Like to Battle!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alternate title: The Battle of Three-ish Grandmas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun story: The first time I saw La Befana, I laughed so hard that my mom yelled at me.

‘Baby!’

‘My Fairy!’

Marinette only had a moment to breathe before her grandmothers swarmed her, each grabbing and pulling her into a tight hug. ‘Waipo! Nonna! What are you doing here?’

Waipo reached up and pinched her cheeks. ‘How are you already so tall again?’

‘My Fairy! You’re always growing.’ Gina kissed Marinette on the head. ‘Just a few more months and you’ll be taller than me!’

‘Thank—eeyah!’ Marinette squeaked as Gina dragged her into another hug. ‘It’s wonderful to see you both, but how did you—oh, no.’ Her eyes widened. ‘Did you _drive_ all the way here?’

The grandmothers sniffed in the universal grandmother tone of disgust.

‘Your father insisted on driving,’ said Gina. ‘Something about the insurance.’

‘Yes, Mom,’ said Tom, setting suitcases inside the door. ‘I would like to have a car to insure when you return to your adventures.’

‘Psh!’ Gina gave a dismissive wave. ‘When _did_ you lose your sense of adventure, Tom?’

‘Somewhere on the other side of that sheep path.’

‘Papa!’ Marinette wriggled free of her grandmothers and ran to hug her parents. She gave them both an extra tight squeeze. ‘How did you survive the trip?’ she whispered.

Sabine gave an exhausted smile. ‘We mapped out the location of every speed camera between here and Paris.’

‘Thankfully, not as many as you’d expect,’ said Tom, hugging Marinette again.

Abuela came down the stairs. A look of incredulity swept across her face at the sight of yet more guests. Immediately, she slid on the smile of a perfect hostess. ‘Tom! Sabine! Welcome to the family home.’

She exchanged hugs and cheek kisses with them before saying, ‘You arrived just in time. Rita’s exorcising her marital frustration on the kitchen. I hope you’re hungry.’

Ten minutes later, Waipo pushed the food around on her plate. ‘This is what you’re eating?’

Sabine made and held eye contact as she swallowed a forkful of chicken. 

Gina said, ‘It’s always interesting to see how different cultures eat.’ She motioned to the _arroz con pollo_. ‘I don’t think I would have used jasmine rice for this meal—’

‘White rice is superior,’ said Waipo.

‘Here, here!’ called Martin from his end of the table.

Abuela’s eyes narrowed behind her glasses. She fixed him with a special Grandmother Glare.

‘I’m telling Mama,’ hissed Anita.

‘Do that, and I’ll—I’ll—’

‘You’ll what?’

He scowled and resumed eating his lunch.

Carmen side-eyed her cousins. ‘Please, we all know brown rice is healthier. And it doesn’t fall apart when you cook it.’

Some fifty-odd heads whipped to look at her.

‘My dear girl,’ said Tia Clara, ‘what _is_ your mother feeding you?’

Carmen rolled her eyes. ‘It’s college undergrad. Just be glad I’m eating something other than instant noodles and black coffee but haven’t gone as far as eating _only_ quinoa.’

Santiago crossed himself and pressed his hands together, eyes heavenward. ‘Amen.’

‘Brat.’

Tia Rita yelled from the kitchen, ‘It’s brown rice!’

Marinette rubbed the middle of her forehead as Abuela yelled back what was no doubt some sort of insult about how the rice had cooked down. ‘Here we go,’ she muttered.

Nino ran in and wedged a chair in next to Marinette. ‘Where we at?’ He took the bowl of rice from Santiago. ‘Thanks—Uh-uhm…Is this rice or soup?’

Abuela sighed from the head of the table. ‘Get a bowl, and it will be soup.’

‘Awesome!’ Nino started to stand up but was yanked down by Marinette and Santiago.

Santiago shook his head. ‘Tia Rita had a _huge_ fight with Tio Aaron. Her temper’s worse than her food.’

‘Oh.’ Nino fixed his gaze on Marinette, widening his eyes to terrifying proportions. ‘Battle of the Grandmas?’

Marinette downed her water. ‘Probably.’

‘I’m guessing that’s exactly what it sounds like?’ said Santiago.

Nino wiped his mouth. ‘If you’re imagining Battle of the Bands but everyone leaves significantly fatter, then yes.’

Santiago eyed Waipo. ‘How at risk are we of out and out fire bending?’

‘Low to medium,’ said Marinette.

‘Errr…’

‘Something to say, Lahiffe?’

‘Well, I mean, your grandma is a lovely lady, but I’ve seen what your family’s capable of when under Hawkmoth’s influence. We all do!’

‘What does this have to do with anything?’ said Marinette wearily.

‘I hate white rice,’ said Abuela. ‘There’s no substance to it. And as Carmen pointed out, it cooks down entirely too easily.’

Waipo stood up. ‘White rice or nothing!’

‘Mother, please,’ whispered Sabine. She buried her face in her hands as Tom rubbed her shoulder with one hand.

Abuela stood up and looked down her nose at the tiny challenger. ‘Brown rice.’

Gina shook her head and looked at the ceiling. ‘While we’re at it with the stereotypes, anyone for spaghetti?’

‘There are buckets of brown and white rice in the pantry,’ said Katya, ‘should you choose to duel.’

‘Marinette!’ Waipo waved her hand, summoning her grandchild. ‘You will assist me.’

‘Wish me luck.’ Marinette wriggled out of her chair and followed the grandmothers into the kitchen.

‘Carmen,’ said Abuela in a cool voice.

‘Ugh.’ Carmen groaned and pushed her seat out. ‘Why do I have do it?’

‘Because you’re the only female grandchild present who I trust to not cut your fingers or burn anything.’

‘We all know Santiago’s the better cook.’

‘Aw, thanks!’

Carmen delivered a perfect Ochoa Glare.

Nino scrunched down and ate faster.

Marinette followed the grandmothers downstairs to the kitchen, Carmen muttering close on her heels. She could just hear her father ask Gina to ‘referee the situation’.

In the kitchen below, Abuela barked an order at Tia Rita.

Rita opened her mouth to argue but looked at Waipo first. Instead, she stuck her nose in the air and strode out.

Abuela raised an eyebrow. ‘Well, that was easy.’

‘Baby? Get the rice,’ said Waipo. By the power of grandmotherhood, she was already up to her elbows in culinary supplies. Somehow.

Abuela said, ‘Both brown and white, please.’

‘Use your own grandchildren,’ said Waipo.

‘I beg your pardon? We are surrounded by my thirty-three granchildren and twice that many more great-grandchildren.’ Abuela straightened her shoulders, looming to an even greater height. ‘And by marriage to Adrien, Marinette will be my grandchild by law as well as spirit.’

Carmen rolled her eyes and grabbed two mixing bowls. ‘Not this again.’

Marinette whispered, ‘Anything specific?’

‘Height intimidation accompanied by a disappointed scowl.’ Carmen led her through a door and into the brick-lined pantry. She unscrewed the lid on a large plastic bucket and scooped rice into the buckets. ‘That combined with the “they’re getting married, so they’re my grandchild already”—’

‘Are you saying Abuela’s greedy?’ Marinette took the bowl of white rice.

Carmen twisted her long brown hair behind her shoulders and unscrewed the second lid. ‘Only if wanting to love everyone can be attributed to greed.’ She filled the next bowl part way with brown rice.

‘Any idea how weird it’s going to get?’

‘I assume two counts of _brujeria_ , maybe some kitchen shamanism from your grandmother, and enough Hail Mary’s to sink a ship.’ Carmen grinned. ‘The good news is that we only have a few hours before tonight’s service.’

‘How is that good?’

‘It means there’s going to be a definite end to this sooner rather than later. After mass, everyone usually gets too drunk to care about anything serious.’ 

Marinette adjusted her grip on the bowl. ‘I’m really good at burning rice.’

‘Is that an offer?’

‘Can you refuse it?’

Carmen’s mouth twisted as she thought. ‘How very Italian of you.’ She stepped to the door and gave a big enough sigh to nearly drop the bowl of rice. ‘Not again.’

‘What?’ Marinette turned around and goggled.

Waipo slammed a bottle onto the table. ‘You have this _pacharan_ ; I have _baijiu—_ Homemade.’ She looked at Gina. ‘What do you bring?’

‘Hm?’ said Gina, a glass of wine already raised to her lips. ‘Oh. The limoncello is in my bag. I didn’t realise we were doing this before mass.’

Marinette gulped. ‘What happened to the rice?’ she whispered.

Gina patted her granddaughter’s head. ‘It’s all right, Marinetta. They’ll remember in just a moment. They won’t start going shot for shot until after the service.’

Carmen her brown rice on the kitchen table. ‘As long as they stay away from anything resembling gambling, we’ll be okay.’

Marinette’s eyes bugged. ‘Does this happen often?’

‘Every few years, some fool decides to challenge Abuela.’ Carmen smirked. ‘It never ends in their favour.’ She rolled her shoulders. ‘Honestly, your Nonna has the right idea.’

‘What’s that?’

‘Drink away the ordeal. What next, Abuela?’

As they waited for the water to boil, Marinette pulled her hair into a messy bun. Sweat gathered at the back of her neck, and she fanned her hand over it. Whatever idiot first declared that women belonged in the kitchen was, to quote Shakespeare, ‘an ass’. And in this moment, Marinette was More Than Thrilled to let it be known that she did call said idiot ‘an ass’.

‘No, no, no! The water’s not hot enough!’ Waipo reached around her and turned up the gas. ‘You’re going to steam it, not bathe it! Did you rinse the rice yet? Rinse it so it doesn’t get sticky.’

How long until limoncello?

The smoke detector screamed.

‘Oh, come on! I haven’t even put anything in!’


	33. Chapter 33

Chloe’s fingers drummed on her knee. ‘I mean, you’re probably not wrong, but really? Kidnapping two toddlers? Just the thought should make any sane person reconsider!’

Ciana jumped across the bed and yanked on Chloe’s hair.

Adrien reached over and freed his friend. ‘Ciana, no.’

‘Case and point,’ said Chloe, massaging her scalp.

‘Say “I’m sorry, Chloe”,’ said Adrien.

Ciana’s lip trembled, tears welling and spilling over her chubby cheeks.

‘Don’t do that!’ He hugged her tightly and wrapped her in a favourite blanket. ‘Am I paranoid?’

Chloe removed her hair tie and ran her fingers through her hair. ‘If you’re wanting to know if you’re turning into your father for these two, the answer is no. If you’re wanting to know if there’s a legitimate threat…’ She shrugged, her hair falling around her shoulders. ‘You’re not wrong.’

Ciana snuggled closer against her brother and sighed with contentment. ‘Love you, Dri.’ 

Adrien’s chest tightened and he squeezed her gently. ‘I love you, too, Cici.’

‘You could always ask the Gorilla to come back and watch over them in the day.’ Chloe twisted a loose strand of hair around her finger. ‘They sleep with your parents at night.’

‘Unless Esther or Abuela has taken them for the night.’

She dropped the hair. ‘It’s good to have relatives you can trust.’ Her eyes scanned the room and fixed on the door. ‘I wonder what that’s like.’

At the open doorway, Felix frowned and straightened his shoulders. ‘Your bodyguard’s here, Adrien. He asked me to fetch you.’

‘Why?’

‘No idea; I’m just a lowly messenger boy, running hither and thither on errands for my beloved cousin.’

Chloe’s eyes narrowed as she smiled. ‘If you’re a messenger, does this mean we can shoot you?’

Adrien adjusted his grip on Ciana and stood up. ‘Why would you shoot the messenger?’

Eyes still fixed on Felix, Chloe purred, ‘It sends a message.’

Felix turned stiffly, exposing his red neck.

‘Chlo,’ said Adrien, ‘do me a favour?’

She returned to her normal expression. ‘What’s that?’

‘If you’re going screw with my cousin, can you do it somewhere not in front of the impressionable children?’

‘Honestly, Adrikins! I am the soul of discretion in these affairs!’ She followed him out of the room and down the stairs. ‘I mean, that’s because of my parents’ affairs, but honestly!’

As they reached the next level, Chloe said, ‘And frankly, some of the impressionable children are going to need a big old shove to relieve everyone of the unresolved sexual tension crackling in the air this—’

‘Ah! Chloe!’ Adrien spun and stared at her. ‘A little discretion?’

She tapped his nose. ‘So delicate.’ She flounced past him. ‘I’m talking about Lukagami!’

‘Lukag—Luka and Kagami?’ His face brightened. ‘They are perfect for each other!’

‘Romantics, really.’ She sighed. ‘It’s a sad day when Marinette is the pragmatic one.’

‘Marinette is always pragmatic!’

‘Sh! You’ll wake the baby.’

Adrien made a face at her and continued on his path. Down two flights of twisting stairs, through two more corridors and the old parler to the entrance hall.

In the gloomy entrance hall, the Gorilla studied a painting of the house in the 1890s. He turned at the sound of the teens’ footsteps and gave them a half-smile in greeting.

Ciana was all but glued to her brother, but she woke up as soon as she heard the familiar grunt of welcome. She shrieked and tried to wriggle out of the blanket.

‘All right! Down you go.’ Adrien set her down and ran a hand through his hair.

The Gorilla chuckled and handed over a medium-sized box before scooping Ciana up and throwing her in the air.

Somewhere in the house, Béatrice wailed upon hearing her sister having fun without her.

Chloe smiled indulgently as the toddler flew towards the carved ceiling. ‘Perks of high ceilings.’ She poked Adrien. ‘What’s in the box?’

He shook it. ‘Presumably a series of smaller boxes containing unknown—’

Chloe glared, and Adrien quickly opened the package.

There were indeed several smaller boxes within the box. He opened the smaller boxes to reveal jewel-toned cases and a cleaning kit.

A slow, broad smile spread across the heiress’ face. ‘Oh, this is going to be good.’

Adrien opened the first case for his glasses. ‘I was hoping to have until home, but—’ he slid the very large, very black, and very square glasses onto his nose, ‘maybe having the freedom to drive starting on Sunday will be worth it. What do you think?’

‘You look like you need an overpriced stocking cap and scarf with a typewriter.’

‘Are you calling me a hipster?’

She raised an eyebrow and mimed pushing a pair of glasses up her nose.

‘That bad, huh?’ He preened in the hall mirror before sliding the glasses off. ‘Maybe they’re too much.’

‘Pfft! Are you kidding? They’re perfect! Your father’s going to want to throw a fit, but with Nathalie under the weather _and_ surrounded by her family, he’s going to have to be responsible for once in his life and _not_ have one!’

Adrien stood up straighter and posed appropriately. ‘Like this?’

‘Just like—’

An alarm screamed from the kitchen.

Adrien took a step forward and planted his feet against the ground, hands outstretched slightly. ‘Whoa, this is weird. They said my vision would be a little weird at first, but I was not expecting this.’

‘Is it the astigmatism?’

He nodded, grimacing as the world shifted with the movement. ‘Okay, just have to trust my feet on this one. Gorilla? Can you watch Ciana?’

The bodyguard grunted and nodded.

Ciana sat on his shoulder and waved at her brother before continuing to babble about the subject of the painting in front of them. The Gorilla gave encouraging grunts as he walked to the next painting.

On the way to the kitchen, Adrien knocked into two chairs, tripped over the edge of a rug, and slammed into the door frame for the kitchen stairs. He rubbed his cheek and said, ‘I’m starting to think it’s safer without the stupid things.’

‘But significantly less entertaining,’ said Chloe, sending another video into the social media universe.

‘I may hate these almost as much as Father will.’

‘Eh, give yourself time. I remember when Jean Pierre got his glasses. Took him a week to adjust and then he ran straight into a pillar while carrying a bucket of champagne for Mother and her friends.’

‘Is that supposed to be encouraging?’ His hands clung to the railing as they went downstairs.

‘You’re the one leading us towards the screaming fire alarm.’

‘You’re the one following me.’

The glasses fogged up as soon as they stepped into the kitchen. Adrien sighed and tried to clean them off.

As he slid them back on, he whistled at the scene before him.

On the far end of the room, Carmen whacked at the smoke detector with a broom handle. At the six burner stove, Marinette was trying to stop the steam pouring from one of the giant copper kettles. At the kitchen table, Abuela and Waipo were pouring liquid from two different bottles into shot glasses before shoving them at each other.

A shattered measuring cup had left white rice everywhere.

‘Oh, my God,’ said Adrien. ‘What happened?’

The blonds jumped as Gina said, ‘A little friendly competition got out of hand. Poor Marinetta still can’t make rice.’

Chloe’s face lit up. She wriggled excitedly. ‘You mean there’s something Marinette isn’t good at?’

Gina scowled and waited for Chloe to subdue her enthusiasm. ‘It’s ben an interesting situation to observe.’ She downed a shot of something. ‘Not so much fun for those who are involved. Definitely not with Pearl going against Marguerite’

‘Ah.’ Adrien blinked. ‘Wait. Who are Pearl and Marguerite?’

‘It’s Zhenni,’ said Waipo.

‘A pearl in any other language,’ murmured Gina.

Adrien’s forehead furrowed. ‘Margeurite doesn’t mean pearl?’ 

Abuela emptied another glass and spun to face Gina. ‘Rita is Marguerite; I’m Perla. Do we need to cut you off?’

‘Oh. There’s the punchline.’

Chloe flicked his ear with her index finger. ‘Shouldn’t you be helping your girlfriend?’

‘Right!’ Adrien jumped and tripped over his feet, landing on the floor near the rice. He slid across, not stopping until he bumped the counter where Carmen was standing. He crossed his arms and huffed.

At the stove, Marinette finally pulled the steaming pot from the burner and secured the lid more firmly.

Carmen jabbed at the smoke detector, and it stopped screaming.

‘Finally,’ said Abuela.

Marinette grabbed a towel and wiped the sweat from her face. ‘No more competitions.’

‘Too late.’ Carmen jumped off the counter. ‘They’re warmed up now.’

‘Shit.’ Marinette turned and saw Adrien on the floor, the glasses hanging crookedly from his ears. She planted her fists on her hips. ‘And just what the hell are those?’

He adjusted his glasses and stood carefully. ‘Just a little something to better admire your lovely features.’

Carmen helped him up, and he brushed the rice from his shirt.

Marinette stomped across the kitchen and stood on her toes to study him. ‘Hm. Not what I would have chosen, but not bad.’

Adrien took her hand and kissed it. ‘Anything for My Lady.’

‘Please,’ said Carmen, sweeping up the rice. ‘Can we not in front of the grandmothers? They’re already wedding obsessed enough.’

‘June is best!’ said Abuela.

‘Anything but May,’ said Waipo.

‘I think you should elope,’ said Gina. ‘Somewhere like Peru!’

Marinette slammed her forehead into Adrien’s sternum and groaned.


	34. Water Sports

The waving of hands caught Adrien’s attention.

Courtesy of the new glasses, he watched Chloe’s mouth move. ‘ _Take_ … _her_ …extreme? Oubliette?’

Chloe smacked her face. She sighed before walking two fingers along her hand, cupping her hands together, and then moving her arms in circular motions.

He tilted his head, too busy focusing to notice the concerned looks of the grandmothers.

The heiress glowered and huffed before spelling the word out in FSL/LSF.

_Oh!_

‘Excuse me, esteemed grandmothers,’ he said, delicately batting his lashes, ‘but may I borrow Marinette for a minute? I need her help—I need her help—’

‘Guiding you around this goddamned death trap while you adjust to your glasses,’ said Chloe, all but yanking at her hair.

‘Language, _bambina_!’

Abuela turned crimson. ‘ _Veinte avemarias!_ ’

Chloe blinked, eyelashes fluttering. She crossed her arms and cocked one hip. In heavily accented Spanish, she said, ‘ _Bueno, pero no_.’

‘ _Pobrecita_. You tried,’ drawled Carmen, sidling off and back into the pantry.

Waipo shook her head and muttered something about how children in her village would never act this way. 

Adrien waved quickly and dragged Marinette through the door to the sunken kitchen garden. Whatever was going to happen in the kitchen, outside would be safer.

‘Cowabunga!’ screamed a voice from the sky.

‘Not yet!’

Adrien looked up and saw several cousins of the tween demographic— _thank you, glasses!_ —were crawling on the roof of the house, a couple still swinging up and out from the attic window. Several large, brightly coloured pieces of fabric waved from the hands of the juveniles. ‘I really hope they’re not doing what I think they are.’

Marinette blinked and turned her back to the shenanigans. She pressed her fingers against her temples, closed her eyes, and inhaled.

Adrien ran a hand up and down her back, enjoying being able to see everything.

Someone screamed with excitement above them.

‘Not my responsibility,’ murmured Marinette as she exhaled. Her shoulders lifted as she inhaled again.

As his girlfriend continued centring herself, Adrien cleaned his glasses, squinting at the film. ‘Ten minutes. Ten minutes, and they’re already covered in grime.’

‘You’ll get used to it,’ said Marientte, eyes still closed.

He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and squeezed gently. ‘Wanna escape?’

‘Where?’ Her eyes popped open. ‘There’s family crawling everywhere, even on the eaves of the house.’

‘That’s a bit extreme—’

‘Exhibit A: The scene behind us.’

‘Touché, Princess. Touché.’ Adrien craned his head, looking around.

Marinette squeezed his hand. ‘You don’t have to fix it. Just let me breathe for a moment.’

‘All right. I’m going to walk around the garden.’ He kissed her forehead. ‘Be back in a few.’

He left Marinette sitting on a rock, her face lifted towards the weak, momentary sunlight. He walked through the freshly turned plant beds. Tidy signs marked which plant was to go into section of the different beds. ‘I wonder if Nathalie knows how to garden.’

‘Have you seen that woman with anything green?’ said Plagg, buzzing out of a convenient pocket and stretching. ‘She’s capable of a kind of destruction I can only dream of!’

‘Has anyone ever told you you’re a drama queen?’

‘Yeah, one of your cousins, fifteen minutes ago.’

‘What?’ shrieked Adrien, coming to a full stop in the middle of the garden path.

Marinette looked over from her spot on the rock.

Adrien waved anxiously before hissing at Plagg, ‘Which cousin? Why? When? How? And for what purpose?’

‘Ah, yes, the four W’s of journalism. Your professor would be proud.’

‘Plagg!’

‘All right! Calm down. It was your cousins Dante. I think. He and his brothers looks exactly alike.’

‘They’re varying heights.’

‘Of hair?’

‘You need to spend more time with Tikki and learn some manners. Like lot of manners.’ Adrien tripped over a loose tile. ‘ _Joder_.’

Plagg shook his sad. ‘This is sad.’

‘Everyone is saying to expect it take a week for my eyes adjust. I don’t know if I can take it. I’m falling over everything.’

‘Is this the moment where I give words of wisdom and inspiration?’

‘“Inspire and electrify”, yes.’

‘Ooh, boy.’ Plagg buzzed down to Adrien’s head, his nose wrinkling at the smell of fresh fertiliser. ‘Growing pains for your eyes. Hand-eye coordination. You know. Life.’

‘Birds, bees, and butterflies?’

‘What do butterflies have to do with growing up?’

‘Metamorphisis, whatever it is.’

‘Something new?’ Plagg shook his head. ‘Whatever. Get up. No lying in the dirt like a rutabaga.’

Adrien sat up. ‘A what?’

‘It’s a root vegetable with a bad reputation. Not bad with butter and drowned in cheese.’

‘You’re really talking it up.’ Adrien dragged himself up and rubbed the bridge of his nose. ‘Twelve minutes. Twelve minutes, and I’m acting like my father.’

‘Twelve minutes after what?’

Adrien and Plagg whipped around.

Luka chuckled. ‘Nice glasses. Hey, Plagg.’

‘Hey, Blue. Where’s the guitar?’

‘Safely stowed away in Paris.’ Luka shoved his hands in his pockets. ‘Although I’m dying for a few minutes of just me and music.’ A look of horror crossed his face. ‘Anything that isn’t children’s music.’

Adrien nodded absently. ‘What brought you outside?’

‘Trying to escape from some of your cousins. The twelve to sixteen group won’t stop touching my hair and keep making comments to each other in Spanish and English faster than I can keep up.’

‘You speak Spanish?’

‘Like three and a half words. Gracias.’

Adrien snickered. ‘Is that the half word?’

The bushes beside them parted to reveal Kagami dressed in her red raincoat. ‘That was terrible.’

‘Well aware, thanks for the critique.’

She rolled her eyes and looked at Adrien. ‘Where’s a good place to hide from your cousins? I haven’t stopped talking about fencing for three hours now.’

‘I don’t know if the cousins of my step-mom count—’

Kagami’s scowl deepened, and Adrien looked frantically for an option. ‘Um, boating?’

‘It’s cold and drizzly.’

‘So Felix’s native habitat,’ said Luka.

Kagami’s mouth twitched. ‘Do they have boats?’

‘They have a boat house. I presume there’s some sort of boat.’ Adrien rubbed the back of his neck. ‘If you get Marinette, Luka and I can brave any spiders before you even arrive.’

‘You think I’m afraid of something like spiders, Agreste?’

He frowned. ‘Actually, I have no idea. Are you afraid of spiders?’

She grimaced. ‘They’re not my favourite, but I’m not afraid of killing them myself.’

‘I prefer catch and release myself,’ said Luka with a wink.

‘That only works when you have windows that open,’ said Kagami.

Adrien pushed her gently up the path towards Marinette. He and Luka followed the path through the garden gate and down to the boat house. The door was locked, but a key was tucked behind a decorative sign.

Inside, the guys gave low whistles. Two canoes, a motor boat, and five kayaks were neatly stored. The space smelled pleasantly of oil and petrol, and a series of shelves and peg boards held an entire hardware store’s worth of tools.

‘I’m in Heaven,’ said Luka, eyes glazing over.

‘I thought Heaven was a guitar store for you.’

‘Heaven is supposed to be a wonderful place. I’m sure it can accommodate multiple elements.’ He pointed to the canoes. ‘One for each pairing?’

‘As long as no one makes any “shipping” jokes.’

Luka blushed again and yanked on the canoe harder than necessary.

The drizzle was coming down slightly harder when the girls arrived. Marinette gratefully accepted the dusty black hoodie from the boat house and pulled it on before climbing into the canoe.

Kagami looked from the canoe to her red raincoat and back again.

‘Allow me.’ Luka gallantly offered his hand and helped her in. ‘Are you familiar with paddling?’

‘I’ve been to athletic camps every year since I could walk. I can handle a piddly little canoe.’

‘Excellent.’ He pushed off and jumped into the back. ‘Because I haven’t handled something this small in a few years.’

Adrien handed Marinette his glasses before pushing their canoe into the water ‘Don’t want to have that conversation with the parentals this early in the glasses game.’

Marinette handed them back. ‘They look good on you, Kitty. They barely detract from your beauty at all.’

He sniffed and dug his oar into the water. ‘Ready to help guide me to the Americas?’

She looked at the oar. ‘The closest I’ve come to this kind of thing is TV.’

‘Poor middle class baby.’

She made a rude gesture and picked up the oar.

‘Just watch what Kagami and Luka are doing. They’re close enough.’

‘“Close enough”?’ said Kagami, mischief flashing in her eyes. She flipped her oar, sending droplets towards Adrien.

‘Hey! Two can play at this game!’ He dipped his oar in and splashed her back.

‘Careful, kids!’ said Luka, bracing against the sides of the canoe.

Kagami twisted in her seat. ‘Is someone scared of a little water?’

‘More like scared of hypothermia.’

‘ _What’s around the riverb end?_ ’ trilled Adrien.

Marinette laughed and sang, ‘ _Waiting just around the river bend?_ ’

_Splash!_

They looked to the right and saw the second canoe floating upside down.

‘Oh, crap.’ Adrien dug his oar in as they paddled closer. ‘Mar, see anything?’

‘Not yet.’ She carefully looked over the edge and into the dark water.

‘Shit.’

Luka emerged, hair whipping about as he gasped for air. He trod water and surveyed the damage. ‘Kagami?’

Marinette shook her head.

‘Damn.’ He took a deep breath and disappeared under the water.

‘What do we do?’ said Marinette, eyes fixed on the water.

‘Plagg, Tikki?’

Kagami and Luka emerged, and the Kwamis hid themselves again.

‘I was under the canoe,’ said Kagami. ‘I’m fine!’

‘Fine? Fine! No one could see you!’ Luka’s lips were already turning blue. ‘Do you know how quickly you could die under there? How would we explain to your mother what you were doing in the middle of a lake in March—?’

He sputtered, choking on the water she splashed his way.

Kagami pushed the hair from her face and grabbed the section of the canoe. ‘I guess that’s all the water sports we get for today.’

Luka snorted and grabbed the other side. They swam in silence, their faces red the entire way.

Adrien and Marinette followed closely, quiet themselves.

From within the pocket of Marinette’s hoodie, Tikki clicked her tongue. ‘Humans in love.’

‘Good thing we’re not humans, Sugar Cube,’ said Plagg with a wink.

‘Humph!’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have you missed you all! 
> 
> A moment of silence for Chloe and her valiant self sacrifice that Adrinette could make good their escape.


	35. So The Family Drama

‘Are you sure you’ll be okay watching them?’ said Nathalie as Béatrice and Ciana wrestled at her feet. ‘I don’t want to pressure you.’

‘I still insist that there is no way they will ever be worse than my sisters,’ said Alya, draping Nino’s arm over her shoulder. ‘And you and Mr Agreste pay very well.’

‘A little too well, according my parents,’ said Nino, grinning cheekily. ‘They’re feeling guilty for how little they pay me when I watch Chris. Which is great, for the record! The more guilt, the better for me.’

‘Economics 128, always—Stop that!’ Nathalie nudged Béatrice with her foot, separating her from Ciana. ‘No biting your sister.’

Béatrice wrinkled up her nose. ‘No!’

Ciana growled and crawled behind their mother’s legs.

Alya grinned. ‘We’ll be fine, they’ll be fine, and you’ll have a wonderful time sitting in quiet contemplation.’

Nino opened his mouth, but a squelching noise from the door caught their attention. He whistled at the waterlogged Luka and Kagami. ‘Who threw whom in?’

Kagami tried to glare but it was at about 34% of her usual energy. ‘I am going to shower.’

‘Kagami flipped the canoe’ said Luka darkly, holding his belt in an effort to keep his jeans up. 

Ciana crawled towards Luka and tugged on his leg. ‘Shark! Shark!’

‘No. Luka.’

‘Baby shark!’

His eyes widened, and he shook his head before sprinting and taking the stairs two at a time.

‘Ooh,’ said Adrien, listening to the wet jean sound. ‘That’s gotta chafe.’

Luka stopped at the top. ‘It does. It really does, thanks for the concern. Um, Nathalie, do you know if anyone has an extra pair of shoes?’

She eyed his feet. ‘Size 45?’

‘Forty-six!’

‘Ask Dante,’ said Nino. ‘Dude must’ve brought half his closet with him.’

Dante stepped out of the second-floor bathroom, still buttoning up his dress shirt. ‘What are we talking about?’

‘Do you have any extra dress shoes?’ said Luka. ‘Or anything appropriate for mass?’

The curly-haired lad checked his own feet, glanced at Luka’s, and looked back to his own. ‘You look more like a 45.’

‘I’m a 46!’

‘There’s nothing to prove. Just let it go!’

Luka’s face turned crimson.

‘Uh-oh,’ whispered Marinette.

‘No, I will not let it go!’ Luka stomped down the stairs. ‘Do you think I want to let it go? I will _not_ Let It Go! First, I get thrown in the lake in the middle of March! Then the person responsible refuses to do anything about it! And now— _now_!—my shoe size is being insulted, and there is no way on God’s Green Earth that I will _ever_ be able to let _anything—_ ’ He peeled the white t-shirt from his torso, the damp fabric making a sucking noise as it peeled away from his sides.

‘You really don’t—ouch!’ Nino glared at Alya, rubbing his sore arm.

‘Oh, yes, he does,’ said Marinette, eyes sparkling.

‘ _—_ let alone _It_ —go because of that stupid song that everyone insists on playing without stop!’

‘So,’ said Adrien, shaking from holding back his laughter, ‘you won’t be letting this go?’

‘Gah!’ Luka stormed up the stairs, his exit ruined by the squelching of sodden sneakers.

A door slammed from the third floor. The shower gave a shrill squeak before water ran through the pipes.

‘Well, then.’ Nathalie folded her hands behind her back.

Marinette nudged Adrien and motioned towards a glassy-eyed Kagami licking her lip.

‘Oh,’ said Adrien.

Alya nodded, eyebrows dancing. She shimmied slightly and said, ‘Yo, Kagami! Thirsty, much?’

Kagami flushed a lovely shade of crimson and fled to one of the other bathrooms.

‘Does he have a habit of taking his shirt of when enraged?’ said Nathalie, nudging Ciana away from the staircase.

‘I’ve never seen him lose either,’ said Marinette. ‘It was a white tee, so there wasn’t much left to the imagination.’

‘Dude needs to work out less,’ said Nino.

Nathalie clicked her tongue. ‘And on that note, we leave for mass in forty-five minutes. Be ready by then, please?’

‘Yes, ma’am,’ said everyone. 

Nino waited for Nathalie’s footsteps to fade before crossing his arms. ‘What on earth inspired you to go in the water?’

‘Chloe.’ Adrien sat on the floor and untied his soaked shoes. ‘Marinette was upset from the grandmothers’ cook off; I’m guessing Chloe assumed a romantic row along the lake would help calm her down.’

Dante glanced at the ceiling, the sounds of splashing coming from the bathrooms. ‘What are the odds of that actually getting their sparks, er, sparking?’

Marinette said, ‘Decent potential?’

A chorus of ‘hmms’ filled the mezzanine. 

Dante grinned. ‘Good, because based on the evidence before us, the heat of their tempers combined with how soaked they are is going to make things… _steamy_.’

‘Nice,’ said Adrien, sitting back against the wall. ‘But aren’t we going to a church service? Don’t you have to be careful with what you say?’

‘Why, yes.’ Dante’s grin look on an even more malevolent edge. ‘Yes, we are going to church. And tonight, about 40% of the couples here will go to church again.’

Nino snickered before howling with laughter. ‘Dude! Nice!’

Prima Paola popped her head over the landing railing. ‘Are you discussing the plan?’

‘It is the sort of plan that becomes bigger and better the more there are to support our efforts.’

She smiled innocently and batted her eyes. ‘Like a prayer meeting?’

‘Hallelujah!’

Adrien scanned the different faces. ‘Is everyone as confused as I am?’

‘Uhh…’

‘Not me,’ said Nino, his face smugger than Plagg’s after conning half of a pay cheque’s worth of Camembert out of his Holder. ‘I’m keeping up just fine.’

‘Don’t worry,’ said Paola. ‘We have scraped together every bit of knowledge gained at a combined 48 years of church camp. The jokes are primes and ready for action.’ 

‘And by action,’ said Dante, ‘we mean going out and actively evangelising for the Lord!’

‘N-not your best one, _primo_ ,’ said a besuited Santiago, stopping on the stairs. ‘Just remember to check your knees before going into mass.’

‘Why?’ said Adrien.

‘From getting down on those knees and PRAYING FOR FORGIVENESS, my child! But, dude, where have you been?’

Santiago gave up on his tie and pointed upwards. ‘Do you hear the screams of children on the roof anymore?’

Everyone listened for a moment.

‘No?’

‘You’re welcome.’ Santiago flashed a brilliant smile before returning to his tie. ‘I need a mirror.’

He wandered off, and Marinette said, ‘I guess that means the rest of us should get ready?’

‘Unless you want Tia Talia to have another meltdown,’ said Paola, shaking out her dark skirt. 

Adrien made a pained noise and booked it, desperate for a spare bathroom and a quick shower.

Twenty-three minutes and a near disastrous encounter with a hair dryer later, he squeezed into the overcrowded room, a towel wrapped around his waist. Antonio and Lucius were tossing grooming products back and forth from opposite ends of the room. Felix looked terrified from his position on the hideabed.

A fully clothed Dante was guiding Luka through the art of managing a tie. Both were red-faced. ‘No,’ said Dante, ruffling his hair, ‘the fox chases the rabbit around the tree—’

Luka ripped the tie off and threw it on the bed. ‘Forget it. Either God can take me without a tie, or I’ll just stay and babysit.’

‘Alya and I are already on babysitting duty,’ said Nino. ‘You’re going to church.’

‘Yeah, yeah.’ Luka ran his fingers through his hair. ‘Hope the Big Man Upstairs isn’t too uptight tonight.’

Lucius said, ‘Pretty sure He’s enough like Abuela to just be happy you’re present.’ He side-eyed Adrien. ‘However, pants are required.’

‘Trousers,’ said Adrien, zipping up his fly. He flexed lightly and said, ‘What are the thoughts on shirts?’

‘Definitely necessary,’ said Felix, brushing at the cat hair on his waistcoat.

‘Just remember Jesus was a carpenter and ripped,’ said Antonio.

‘Good to know.’ Adrien slipped his dress shirt on, flipped his hair, and posed, flexing his muscles to their full potential.

‘Dude,’ said an unimpressed Nino, ‘it’s just us here. We get it.’

‘What can I say? It’s the model in me.’

Antonio finished his Eldredge Knot and smoothed his shirt collar. ‘Does the model give lessons?’

‘Please don’t encourage him,’ said Felix. ‘He’s insufferable enough.’

‘Aw, thanks, cos.’ Adrien reached over and shoved Felix onto the floor. ‘You look better when not so high and mighty.’

Felix’s eyes narrowed, his muscles tensing.

Dante reached down and grabbed him by the collar. ‘None of that, now. We can have a good fight later.’

Adrien gave a two-fingered salute and pulled on his charcoal waistcoat. As he buttoned it up, he said, ‘Where’s your suit, Mr Lahiffe?’

‘Religious exemption.’ Nino perched on the edge of a bed. ‘As nice as it was of Abuela to invite me, I said I’d rather help keep an eye on the kids. Should make the service flow more smoothly.’

Felix stood and dusted off his clothes. ‘It’s good to know someone has some sort of influence over those she-demons.’

Dante sighed wearily and grabbed Adrien by the collar this time. ‘You can fight him after mass, I promise.’

Adrien growled deep in his throat but yanked on his suit jacket.

‘I’ll help you,’ said Luka as he cuffed the sleeves of his jacket.

Antonio turned around and scanned the room. His eyebrows shot up. ‘Shit. You really do look identical.’

Felix pointed to his tie. ‘Black.’ He pointed at Adrien. ‘Ebony.’

‘Find the shiny tie and win the treasure?’

Nino chuckled. ‘We already know the treasure to Adrien’s heart.’

A gong sounded below.

‘That’s the fifteen minute warning,’ said Dante. ‘Everyone ready?’

Felix said to Adrien, ‘I suppose it’s too late to say one of us needs to change?’

‘Yes, yes, it is.’ 

‘Chill,’ said Dante. ‘We’re all going to be dressed essentially the same, even the women.’ He threw Felix’s suit jacket at him. ‘Suit up and grow a pair.’

Felix slid into his jacket and put his hands in his pockets. ‘Well?’

Adrien mirrored his position.

Luka looked from one to the other.

Lucius gave a low whistle. ‘That’s freaky.’

Adrien pasted on the brightest, sunniest, fakest PR smile he could. He leaned in close to his cousin and whispered, ‘Just stay away from my girl this time.’

Felix buckled under the heavy-handed shoulder pat. ‘Understood,’ he muttered.

‘Excellent.’ Adrien strolled out, head up, shoulders straight.


	36. The Family of Chaos

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank "In the Hall of the Mountain King" for providing this chapter's soundtrack. So much chaos.

‘Eight minutes!’ called Tia Rita as dozens of pairs of feet thundered down the stairs and through the corridors.

Adrien was swept along by the sea of family towards the front door. A hand reached in and plucked him out just before he made it outside.

‘What the hell are those?’ said Gabriel.

Nathalie smacked her husband with her clutch. ‘Mind your language! We’re going to a church.

Gabriel rubbed his arm. ‘I haven’t been to a church since Adrien’s christening.’

‘Since my what?’

‘Adrien, my son, what _on earth_ are those?’

‘Obviously they’re glasses, Father.’ Adrien adjusted the frames on his nose. ‘Seems like I inherited your vision instead of Mother’s.’

‘Emily had extensive Lasik surgery.’ Gabriel shoved his hands into his pockets. ‘But why those? They’re hideous.’

Adrien crossed his arms. ‘Marinette likes them.’

Nathalie bit back a smile.

‘I also have a pair of horn-rimmed glasses, just like yours. I figured I can wear those on the days that I feel like slicking my hair back—’ He stopped, noticing the vein twitching in his father’s temple. ‘Erm, but, um, shouldn’t we be going? This vigil isn’t going to attend itself!’

Nathalie reached up and turned Gabriel’s chin to look at her. ‘I refuse to listen to you breathe angrily through a service meant for quiet and contemplation. It’s been a stressful and embarrassing enough visit as is.’

Gabriel huffed but relaxed his shoulders. ‘Better?’

She kissed his cheek. ‘Better.’

‘I still don’t like the glasses.’

Adrien chuckled and rubbed the back of his neck. ‘Consider this my teenage rebellion?’

Gabriel gave an exaggerated sigh. ‘I suppose I’ll find a way to live with this.’

‘Fang! Upstairs now!’ shouted Jagged, snapping his fingers.

The Agrestes watched the singer herd his pet into the bedroom.

‘There’s a punchline in here somewhere,’ said Adrien. ‘Something about how you don’t have to do that with me.’

‘Ma-ah!’ wailed Lucius as Esther tried to fix his hair while herding him to the front door. ‘I’m fine!’

She scolded him in Spanish, and he grumbled before ducking outside.

Esther clicked her tongue and patted her pockets, looking for her cigarette case. ‘There’s no reasoning with them when they reach this age.’

Nathalie swallowed a laugh as both Gabriel and Adrien unconsciously adjusted their glasses in an identical manner. ‘Are you sure it’s not just your sons? Mine is perfectly behaved.’

‘A little less sarcasm, Miss Sancoeur,’ said Esther. 

‘A little less snark, Miss Ochoa.’

They glared at each other before erupting into giggles.

Esther grabbed her cousin by the arm and dragged her through the door. ‘I’ve missed you so much! This is going to be just like old times.’

Father and son stared as the cousins disappeared. They looked at each other.

‘I don’t get it,’ said Adrien finally.

‘Neither do I,’ said Gabriel. He adjusted the knot in Adrien’s tie before patting him on the shoulder. ‘But it’s good to see her relaxing.’

They were about to step outside when Béatrice screamed, ‘Papa!’

They turned and saw the tiny child ran as fast as her short legs would carry her along the corridor, Nino in close pursuit. ‘Stay, Papa! Stay!’

Gabriel crouched and let Béatrice throw herself sobbing into his arms. ‘I’ll be back soon, little one. Alya and Nino are going to take care of you.’

‘No! Stay!’ She sniffled. ‘Please?’ 

‘Sorry,’ said Nino, fiddling with his hat. ‘I thought we had her distracted.’

Gabriel held the weeping child another minute before kissing her forehead. ‘Be good for Alya and Nino, for Papa?’

She sniffled, her lower lip trembling.

Gabriel handed her over to Nino. ‘Thank you.’

‘No worries, sir. Enjoy your evening.’ Nino raised one of the toddler’s hands and waved it. ‘Say “bye-bye”!’

Béatrice whimpered and gave the saddest ‘hello?’

Seeing that Gabriel looked ready to cry himself, Adrien blew a kiss to his sister before ushering his father outside.

As another family member closed the front door, Nino tried to hold Béatrice against his shoulder. ‘Come on; let’s find out what Alya and Ciana are doing.’

She whined and squirmed, trying to get away.

He rolled his eyes and set her down. ‘See, this is why you’re here. Not that I don’t mind watching you, but I am curious as to how someone can get this family to be quiet and contemplative for an hour or two.’

Béatrice took his hand and tugged, the tears already drying on her face.

‘Yeah, let’s see what Alya and Cici are doing.’ Nino walked her to what was currently the playroom at the back of the house. ‘And maybe find out if the Gorilla left you a new bag of toys.’

‘Pla’?’

‘No, no Phantom. Phantom’s still on maternity leave.’

Her eyes lit up, and she jumped around, yanking on his arm. ‘Kitties!’

‘Air plane time!’ Nino grabbed her and ‘flew’ her through the corridors, buzzing his lips the whole way.

They found Alya sitting on the rug on the floor. She freed the board book from Ciana’s mouth and handed over a wooden block. ‘Can confirm—Fang is easier to babysit.’

‘How?’ Nino sat and rummaged in a bag of toys.

‘The locks are sturdier.’

Béatrice sat on Nino’s leg and spoke in happy burbles to the plastic giraffe. ‘Cha’?’

‘One of these days I’m going to teach them that everything they see is a cat.’

Alya grinned and flopped onto her back, her hair spreading out behind her. She grunted as Ciana climbed onto her stomach. ‘Who’s to say we don’t do that tonight?’

‘Hey, it may not be my religion, but I do recognise that this is an important night for our friends’ family’s tradition.’

‘Translation, you’d—oof!—feel guilty.’ Alya tilted her head up. ‘Maybe don’t bounce on my stomach, please?’

Ciana shoved the foot of her stuffed bear in her mouth and bounced on her caretaker’s stomach again.

‘You are bouncing on about eighteen critical organs, child, and you’re probably well aware of that.’ Alya sat up on her elbows. ‘But you’re right; it would be kind of a dick move. Next week?’

‘Next week looks good.’ Nino held Béatrice upside down. ‘Provided Grandpapa Sancoeur doesn’t pull any crap.’

Ciana hissed and plopped face first into Alya’s chest.

‘Yeah, yeah, enjoy the cushion while you got it.’ The phone in her back pocket chimed. Alya tilted her hips and fished it out. She frowned at the notification and opened it up. She yelped, her stomach tensing and throwing Ciana into the air.

‘Again!’ the toddler clapped her hands. ‘Again! Again!’

‘Just a minute.’ Alya’s thumb swiped furiously. Her eyes widened. ‘Oh, Mmme—!’ 

‘What is it, babe?’

‘Mom’s got a Snapchat! She’s already sent me a friend request.’ She dropped her phone and threw her hands over her eyes. ‘Why? Why me? I’m a responsible member of society! I go to school, I do leadership activities, and I know how to pay taxes for when I start earning enough!’

She peeked beneath her hands at her boyfriend. ‘A little support?’

He looked around the room. ‘Um, well, I’m just thinking, maybe don’t do any video or pictures in front of the Cross Wall?’

Alya twisted and arched her back to look at the wall covered in crosses and crucifixes. ‘Good call.’ A notification pinged, and she clicked on it. ‘Gross.’

‘What?’

She turned the phone so Nino could see it.

He stared in defeat. ‘Parents, really? Why?’

The phone chimed yet again. ‘She wants to know how long until I friend her. This is worse than Facebook.’

‘RIP.’

A shrill giggle of absolute glee caught their attention.

‘Oh, boy.’

They watched in stunned silence as Ciana climbed the heavy curtain across the picture window. She grunted with exertion, her tiny fists gripping the sturdy fabric. Their eyes slowly rose as the rod groaned and bent.

From his sitting position, Nino launched himself across the room and to the window. He braced Ciana, keeping the curtain rod steady.

‘No!’ The toddler kicked, annoyed at the interference in her adventure. ‘No! No! No!’

‘A little help!’

Alya set her phone down. ‘We’re charging double.’

Nino adjusted his grip. ‘I’m going to have grey hairs before tonight is over.’

‘You’d look good with a grey. Accentuate your natural wisdom.’ Alya loosened Ciana’s grip on the curtain. That is, she tried. As soon as she loosened one hand and turned to the other, the first clamped back onto the fabric. ‘Really, kid?’

Nino lifted his leg and braced his foot against the wall, trying to better support the baby. ‘How are they so heavy?’

‘Adrien says their family has dense bones.’

‘Ugh. Freaking Norsemen and their descendents—Oh, fuck!’

‘Fuh!’ squealed Ciana, shaking her handfuls of curtains.

Alya and Nino looked at her before sharing a wide-eyed look. ‘Shit.’

‘Bubbles!’

They craned their necks and gasped. Béatrice balanced on the back of the couch and was trying to stand up.

Alya let go of Ciana and grabbed the twin from the back of the couch. ‘Why did they have to be climbers? Are they part spider or something?’ To Béatrice, she said, ‘No climbing.’

Nino finally freed Ciana from the curtain. ‘Wasn’t Mr Agreste into mountain climbing or something?’

‘Or something.’ Alya set Béatrice down.

The older twin cooed at her sister and crawled to one side of the room, carefully looking over her shoulder to make sure they wouldn’t get caught.

‘Fuque,’ said Ciana softly as she toddled across the rug.

Nino took his glasses off and wiped them. ‘How long until bedtime?’

A shrill giggle pierced their ears, echoing up the chimney and throughout the house.

From somewhere in the house, Fang beat his tail against the floor. A chill wind blew through the window.

‘Do we dare turn around?’ said Nino, gooseflesh standing on his arms.

Alya squeezed her eyes shut. ‘If I don’t see it, it didn’t happen.’

Ciana sneezed a nasty, wet sneeze.

‘We have to.’

‘I know, babe.’

‘On the count of three. One.’

‘Two.’

‘Three.’

They turned around just in time to see Ciana shoving Béatrice’s face into a pile of ash. The debris flew into the air, coating the room, the toys, the babysitters.

The little girls were crawling through the soot, grinding it further into their skin. They grinned at their friends before flopping back and making soot angels.

Nino crouched and pulled his hat low over his face. ‘Fuck.’

‘Fuque!’ chimed the girls.

Alya continued to stare in despair. ‘They never behave this way at home.’

Nino took her hand and squeezed it.

‘I am never babysitting them again.’

Nino looked at her. ‘I thought you said they couldn’t be worse than your sisters.’

She gulped and whispered, ‘I was wrong. Oh, God, was I wrong.’


	37. Get Thee to a Confessional

Kagami filed into the aisle after everyone else and took her spot in the pew. ‘Oh, goodness.’

Felix looked to his right and to a broadly grinning Chloe, her hair tucked in a demure knot at the back of her head. He looked to Kagami on his left and whispered, ‘Careful where you point, Tsurugi.’

‘Wh—?’ Her nostrils twitched and flared at the scent of aftershave. Who dared smell so good in a place of worship? She looked to _her_ left and saw Luka moving Martin and Anita down two spots before taking the spot next to her. ‘Aren’t you still mad at me?’

‘Not mad enough to subject you to an ever present fear of being peppered with fencing questions.’

She gave a curt nod and sat, fixing on the crucifix over the altar. She focused on her breathing and lowering her pulse. No one should smell this good in a holy place. It was…unseemly.

Dear God. When had she become her mother?

An indecently close Luka shifted on the hard pew. It gave an unholy shriek, and everyone in that aisle slid towards the centre of trouble.

Luka reached down and adjusted the support beneath him. ‘Sorry,’ he said as the pew straightened out.

Kagami watched as his long fingers fixed the crease in his cuffed sleeves. She could see them wrapped neatly around the hilt of her rapier, his legs in the proper stance—

Felix nudged her before stifling a yelp.

In the pew ahead of them, Tia Rita turned and gave him a sharp look.

He flushed and glared at Chloe. 

She fluttered her lashes innocently and pressed her hands together, an amber rosary clasped between her palms.

Luka leaned across Kagami and said, ‘Do we need to separate you two?’

Kagami missed the answer. Luka’s hair brushed her nose and chin, and dear God! Perhaps there was something to this ‘Holy Spirit Fire’ for she was truly burning up! All she needed was one touch, a touch of his finger to cool these fires. And his ear was so close, the earring winking in the low light, begging for a nibble.

So shiny, so small. Perfect for gentle biting, rolling across her tongue before sliding to the rest of his ear…

She pulled her attention back to the present. ‘Chloe, where did you get a rosary?’

Chloe rolled her eyes. ‘Mother said rosaries are In this season. Just this once, her fashion say-so has come in my favour. Good way to earn points with the tias.’

‘Because you look like holier than thou bitch?’

Tio Ian turned and gave Felix a Proper Look.

Luka shifted in his seat, his shoulders rubbing against Kagami’s, his leg brushing hers. Her cheeks flamed, and she sat on her hands to keep from twisting them in her skirt.

‘You’re going to get kicked out before we even start the service,’ hissed Dante, sitting on the other side of Chloe. He winked at her. ‘Hey.’

She coloured prettily and rubbed the rosary beads between her fingers before offering her hand. ‘Chloe Bourgeois.’

He bussed her hand. ‘Dante Ochoa Rivera, of the Puerto Rican Ochoas.’

‘Sounds exotic.’

‘It’s certainly beau—’ He exhaled sharply and glared at Lucius. He hissed at his brother in Spanish.

Lucius rolled his eyes. ‘Just cut to the chase and ask about the Book of Numbers or something already.’

‘That’s not how the pick-up line goes—ay!’

The brothers whined as their father grabbed their ears from the row behind them.

‘Embarrass us one more time,’ rumbled Rafael Rivera, ‘and your mother will have the tidiest garden on the island until both of you leave for university. Understood?’

‘Yes, sir.’

He released their ears and patted them on the shoulder twice before settling back next to his wife.

Kagami looked over her shoulder and watched Rafael take Esther’s hand and kiss it gently. Esther smiled and lay her head on his shoulder. ‘Is that allowed?’

Luka looked over his shoulder, saw the happy couple, and shrugged. ‘Apparently? My mom’s not big on organised religion.’ He rubbed his muscled forearm. ‘To be honest, I have no idea what I’m doing.’

‘Neither do I.’

He smiled warmly. ‘Maybe we can work together?’

Her spine stiffened. ‘As opposed to…?’

‘As opposed to be in opposition to each other?’

At the front of the…church? Cathedral?—Kagami couldn’t remember the terminology—men in long robes spoke and chanted.

She looked down at her hands and bit her lip. When her eyes flicked back up, she noticed his eyes were dilated. She smiled slightly. ‘But I’m always looking for a new sparring partner.’

‘Eyes ahead!’ hissed someone behind them.

Kagami and Luka jumped and followed the movements of everyone around them. He bumped her with his shoulder a couple times, a friendly gesture. Each time, she tensed before remembering to relax.

Out of the corner of her eye, she watched Chloe sit with her hands loosely folded on her lap. Felix’s leg wouldn’t stop jiggling, and his fingers kept tapping an irregular beat completely at odds with the chanting of the monks.

A quickly glance revealed Luka was straight up glaring at the blond boy. The muscles in his jaw twitched with rage, at the complete disregard for musical sense.

Felix’s other leg started twitching, and Kagami wanted to scream herself. Only respect for Adrien and fear of the Dragon Aunts kept her quiet.

Chloe had no such qualms. Her hands clamped over Felix’s knees and pinched until they remained still. ‘Enough,’ she hissed through clenched teeth.

‘Bitch,’ muttered Felix.

A thumb and forefinger tightened around the Brit’s ear. In a low voice, careful to not disrupt the contemplative quiet, Rafael said, ‘Behave yourself before you’re left to hold vigil overnight.’ 

‘Sorry.’ Felix scrunched down and crossed his arms.

Chloe took a deep breath and closed her eyes. Her fingers idly played with the beads on her rosary. Her lips moved silently as she went from bead to bead. The faint line between her eyebrows was relaxed for once.

Kagami closed her eyes. Even if she was not one for praying, at least she could meditate. She took a deep breath, realising that Luka was even more present. Her thoughts were also nowhere near what should be considered in a church. Suddenly needing to confess ‘sorry, Daddy, I’ve been bad’ made more sense.

So much sense.

Her cheeks flamed as she realised the confessional was far too near. Perhaps she needed it after all, to confess to the shame of dishonouring a place of worship sacred to her friends, even if not herself. It would be hard on her knees, would undo the hours of physical therapy and training, consequences of working to professional athletics.

Luka covered her hand with his and squeezed.

Her mind was spinning, and Luka was at the centre of it, his calloused fingers brushing her neck, her hands, his body made strong from physical labour, their cadence of music and fencing blending…

His hand squeezed again. ‘Kagami.’

A delicate smile brushed her lips. He said her name in such a lovely way, his accent cutting the vowels in such a distinct way.

‘Kagami, it’s over.’

How could he end their relationship before it was over? Her eyes flew open, her temper rising. ‘What?’

‘The service is over.’ He removed his hand and stood, the open collar of his shirt exposing a dusting of chest chair. ‘Someone said it’s time for dinner.’

‘Oh.’ She swallowed and stood, wiping her hands on her skirt. ‘Eating is always good.’

Chloe squeezed past. ‘Eating the heart of your enemies is better.’

Kagami snickered, and Luka looked worried. ‘Which enemy are you referring to?’

She tapped his nose. ‘Kindly pick one out and deliver it to my room later tonight? Thanks!’

Luka stared, stunned. ‘What just happened?’

‘I think she just asked you to deliver Felix’s heart for her.’

‘Why would she do that? We’re in a church!’

Kagami tilted her head. ‘I wonder if she wants it pickled or salted?’

‘What’s going on?’ said Felix.

‘Chloe wants to eat you.’

‘Humph. I’ll her eat _her_!—Yeouch!’ He spun, rubbing his head. ‘What was that for?’

‘ _Niño estupido_ ,’ said Esther along with many other words in very, _very_ fast Spanish. She grabbed him by the shoulder and marched him out of the church.

At a glance from their father, Dante and Lucius stood perfectly straight, their hands neatly tucked in their pockets. They beamed innocently.

As soon as Rafael was closer to his wife than his sons, Dante dropped the look and turned to Kagami. ‘So, Chloe?’

‘A pain in the ass and completely worth it.’ Luka’s eyes widened, and he clumsily crossed himself—backwards—before the crucifix. ‘Sorry.’

Kagami said, ‘She’s single.’

A dumb grin crossed Dante’s face. ‘Rad.’

Paola pushed through the crowd of chattering family and community members. ‘Yo; it’s go time.’

‘Just a sec.’

She looked at her cousin’s face, looked at Chloe speaking with one of the priests, and back to Dante. ‘You can chase the blonde later. She’s not going anywhere. There’s another blond that we need to take care of.’

‘Who?’

Paola glanced at Luka and Kagami.

‘We won’t say anything,’ said Luka.

Dante blinked, the blank look disappearing. ‘Oh. Right.’ He grinned darkly, exposing all of his teeth. ‘It’s been a while since an Initiation, and not even Gabriel Himself can stop it. Come along.’

Luka smiled blandly. ‘What are you doing when we get back to the house?’

Kagami shook herself. ‘You’re talking to me?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Um, probably whatever the other teens are doing. I heard something about a Wii tournament later tonight?’

Luka visibly became more awake. ‘Which games? Any chance of Wii Sports? I’m an absolute champ at Wii Bowling.’

‘That is weirdly hot.’

‘What?’

‘What?’

He nibbled his lower lip, smirking as Kagami’s eyes followed the gesture. ‘“Wii would like to play”.’

Kagami grabbed him by that stupidly seductive, loosely knotted tie and yanked him to her level. ‘So you think you’re a player? Good to meet you. I’m the coach, and practice starts now.’


	38. The Initiation of Adrien Agreste

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I've been sitting on this chapter and the next for actual months. This is where all the suggestions for "Truth or Dare" are going to come into play. Alas, it had to be split into two chapters. Oh, darn.

Adrien took a deep breath as he stepped outside the church. After the craziness of the day—week, no the last year!—a time of quiet reflection and solemnity was just what he needed. Whatever had been happening in the distant row with his cousin and friends was not his responsibility.

Around him, relatives chatted quietly with members of the town and clergy. He smiled at the sight of his father’s hand resting loosely on Nathalie’s shoulder, her hand clasping his.

He slipped his arm from Marinette’s and wrapped it around her shoulders. He kissed the top of her head. ‘I’m so glad you’re here.’

She wrapped her arm around his waist. ‘Me, too, Kitty.’

Crickets chirped, and Adrien felt the last of the tension oozing away. ‘We should move here.’

‘You’d be bored in a week, and my parents wouldn’t leave the bakery.’

‘Okay, we’ll get a vacation home. We’ll invite our parents on alternating months.’

‘Or, hear me out, we just stay with your new fami—Yikes!’

Adrien tightened his grip, keeping her from falling. ‘You okay?’

‘I think so.’ Marinette checked her ankle, rolling it in its heeled Mary Jane. ‘All good. Thanks.’

He looked over his shoulder and stole a kiss. ‘Good. Gotta keep My Lady safe.’

‘Why do you call her “My Lady” _and_ “Princess”?’

Adrien yelped and jumped. ‘Gremlins? In the church yard?’

A pair of almond eyes blinked at him, the whites glowing in the darkness.

‘We’re not gremlins,’ said the first voice.

‘And why do you make “Princess” sound like a cat?’ said the second.

‘Are you Chat Noir? He calls Lady—’

‘Athena! Artemis!’ called a man’s voice.

‘Coming, Papa!’ called the first one.

The two pairs of eyes disappeared into the darkened yard.

The couple waited for the footsteps to disappear.

‘Um, Kitty?’

‘Yeah?’

‘Can you get out of my arms now? You’re kind of heavy.’

Adrien slunk out of Marinette’s arms. ‘Sorry.’

She stood on her toes and kissed the tip of his nose. ‘It’s okay. But you are getting too heavy for me to do that untransformed.’

He stuck his nose in the air. ‘Are you saying I’m getting fat?’

‘Your shirts and trousers are already too short for you. I don’t think it’s a weight thing.’

Adrien opened the car door. ‘Height is an excellent thing to have as a model.’

She shook a finger in his direction. ‘As fun as it is to sass, remember who has the power to make your clothes too small.’

He nipped at the finger, grinning as she climbed into the car.

Gravel crunched, and Felix said, ‘Must you do that here?’

‘You’re just jealous that we’re dressed the same.’ Adrien poked his head into the car. ‘Want me to take the middle so you don’t have to mediate?’

She smiled prettily. ‘I appreciate the offer, but I think I can manage.’

Adrien nodded and stood. He rested a heavy hand on his cousin’s shoulder. ‘We’ll have a wonderful ride back home, right? One that won’t disrupt all of that wonderful peace that we received during the service?’

Felix eyed the hand. ‘Naturally.’ He flicked it off.

When his cousin made no sign of moving, Felix went to the other side of the car.

They looked up in unison as footsteps crunched on gravel.

Martin skidded to a stop and looked from one to the other. ‘Uhhhh…’ He looked at Adrien, opened his mouth, shook his head, and looked to Felix. ‘Um…Which one is Adrien?’

Marinette stuck her head out of the car. ‘Just find which one has a ring.’

Both boys held up their hands, a silver ring on each.

‘Hecking heck! This was supposed to be mysterious, and now you’ve gone and ruined it.’

‘“Hecking heck”?’ said Adrien, fighting a smile. ‘Are we in a Minecraft server?’

The younger boy glared at him and eyed Felix. He sighed dramatically. ‘Which one of you is Adrien?’

‘One of us only speaks only tru—Ow!’ The besuited youth jumped away from the car, rubbing his hamstring. ‘No kicking!’

‘No tormenting!’ said Marinette.

Martin’s head whipped back and forth. ‘Er…which one? Which one?’

Gabriel and Nathalie walked up to the car, Nathalie’s phone illuminating the path in the darkness. ‘What’s wrong?’ said Gabriel.

Martin shielded his eyes as he looked into the light. ‘Which one’s Adrien?’

Nathalie flashed her light over the boys. ‘The one on our left.’

‘Thank you!’ He shoved the envelope into Adrien’s hands and scampered off towards his family’s car.

Nathalie gave the boys a stern look. ‘Be nice to the children.’

‘Yes, Mum.’ Adrien climbed into the car.

Felix rolled his eyes but followed suit. He buckled up and shoved his knees into the seat in front of him. ‘All this money, and your family can’t get a vehicle worthy of carrying someone of a decent height.’

From the driver’s seat, Nathalie delivered a dirty look by way of the rear view mirror.

Gabriel silently reached for a lever and moved the seat back, restricting Felix’s legroom even further.

‘Be nice,’ whispered Nathalie. In a louder but still cool voice, she said, ‘Adrien, what’s in the envelope?’

‘It’s dark, and I’m not supposed to turn on a light which could distract the driver.’

As they pulled onto the road, Nathalie said, ‘You’re not too old for punishment, even while I’m driving.’

Marinette pulled up the flashlight on her phone. Adrien opened the envelope and read the letter.

‘Well?’ said his father.

‘I’ve been cordially invited to a Family Function that I am not allowed to discuss with anyone else.’ Adrien grimaced and tucked the items inside his suit jacket.

‘Mysterious,’ said Marinette, turning off her phone.

Nathalie stopped at a light and groaned. ‘Are they still doing the initiation?’

Adrien froze. ‘Er, possibly?’

‘What initiation?’ said Gabriel sharply.

The light changed, and the car moved forward. Nathalie said, ‘It’s a stupid little thing the teens do.’

Adrien stuck his head through the front seats. ‘How do you know all this?’

‘Sweetheart, I wrote the initiation.’

‘Oh, yay. And exactly how screwed am I?’

‘Depends on who’s in charge this year. If it’s Santiago, you’ll want to go on a full stomach. If it’s Dante, you’re dead. Esther ran it for years.’

‘Awesome. A Legacy Initiation.’

She reached back and patted his knee. ‘You’ll survive.’

‘Why isn’t that encouraging?’

Felix said, ‘Want me to go instead?’

‘Aw!’ Adrien reached across Marientte and dragged his cousin into a hug. ‘You do love me!’

‘Geroff! Oncle Gabriel!’

Marinette cut the squabble short and pinched the inside of their knees.

‘Ow! M!’

‘Shit!’ Felix jumped as far away as he could in the crowded car.

Gabriel grunted as his nephew’s knees attacked his back. ‘A little less enthusiasm, please.’

‘She pinched me!’

‘Young man, do _not_ make me call your mother at this hour.’

Felix sniffed. ‘She’s in Cancun, so good luck with that.’

That got Gabriel’s attention. He twisted in his seat to look back, knocking his head against the roof of the car. ‘Amelie hates sunshine and heat.’

‘You think I don’t know that?’ Felix threw his hands in the air, nearly hitting Marinette. ‘All I know is what she told me. All her pictures on social media are tagged there, so who knows?’

Adrien leaned forward and said, ‘Any other wisdom to ensure my survival, O Blessed Mother?’

‘That would be giving you an unfair advantage.’ Nathalie pulled onto the tree-lined road for the ancestral home. ‘You’ll be fine. No one’s died.’

Adrien groaned. ‘The unspoken word being “yet”?’

Marinette’s arms curled around his bicep and she whispered in his ear, ‘Just remember, there are ways of making things uncomfortable if you fail.’

‘Right!’ His shoulders straightened. ‘Yes, ma’am.’

The car pulled to a stop.

Several hooded figures stood on the front steps of the house.

Marinette kissed her boyfriend for luck and shoved him out of the car. The gravel crunched ominously under his feet.

‘Adrien Agreste,’ said a low voice. ‘We’ve been expecting you.’

He sighed and ducked his head into the car. ‘Another kiss for luck?’

'Chicken,' said Felix. 

Marinette kissed Adrien hard. ‘Go get ‘em, Kitty.’

‘Right. Right.’ Adrien straightened his shoulders and his jacket and marched up to the group.

‘Do you have the invitation?’ said the first voice.

Adrien dug it out of his pocket and held it out.

A large, dark hand appeared and tucked the paper within the folds of his robe.

Dante, then. Whelp, farewell to family, his three kids with Marinette, and any future hamsters.

Two shorter figures—Santiago and Antonio based on the gait—threw a robe over Adrien’s shoulders and pulled the hood up.

Candles appeared from seemingly nowhere, and the group turned and walked across the damp lawn.

Adrien shivered and followed them. He had to fight to keep the bounce from his step. Despite the sinister appearances, he had always wanted to be part of a super secret club!

They stopped outside the boathouse.

Oh, joy.

Everyone filed in and sat in a semi-circle. The candles were set in the middle.

‘Everyone,’ said Dante behind his hood, ‘welcome to the Initiation of Adrien Agreste.’

‘“Roll credits”,’ muttered someone.

Two someones snickered, and someone else barked with laughter.

‘Silence lest ye lose your position within the family!’

‘Sorry.’

‘Sorry.’

‘Sorry.’

Adrien sat with his back to the door.

‘Everyone, reveal your libations.’

Cans and bottles of various beverages emerged. A glass was passed around, and everyone poured a small portion in.

By the time it was set in front of Adrien, anyone would be hard pressed to guess at the colour, let alone what was in it.

‘Is this what all the fuss is about? I have to drink the King’s Cup?’

A smattering of laughter filled the boathouse.

‘Oh, sweet summer child,’ said Carmen’s voice. ‘We wouldn’t be that stupid.’

‘Or that kind,’ said a female voice that Adrien didn’t recognise.

‘No, you must answer our questions,’ said Dante. ‘The cup is a reminder of what will happen should you fail.’

‘Is this really appropriate to do right after a church service?’

‘It’s not the most tasteful thing,’ said Carmen, ‘but tomorrow’s going to be busy, and people start leaving on Sunday evening.’

‘This is the only time when the majority will be gathered,’ said the girl’s voice.

Adrien rolled his shoulders. ‘I’ve played truth or dare. You can’t scare me.’

‘“Brave words. I’ve heard them before”—’

‘Enough with the _Star Trek_ quotes!’


	39. Echoing Screams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How many questions to break Adrien?

‘Santiago, you’re the eldest,’ said Dante. ‘You’re up.’

‘All right.’ Santiago lowered his hood. ‘Truth or dare?’

Adrien held his gaze. ‘Truth.’

‘What’s the strangest dream you’ve ever had?’

‘Really? That’s where you’re starting?’

Santiago grinned. ‘Don’t want to scare you and send you sobbing back to Tia Talia.’

Adrien snorted. ‘Play Strip Truth or Dare with Alya, then we’ll talk. Hit me with your best shot.’

Santiago, Dante, and Carmen shared a universal look of _the poor, stupid child_. ‘What’s the most embarrassing thing you’ve done to impress a girl?’

From the recesses of Adrien’s pocket, Plagg snickered. This family knew how to have fun!

Adrien tented his fingers and studied Santiago through slitted lids. ‘In or out of leather?’

‘ _Porque no dos_?’

‘Boo! Boo!’ roared the cousins.

‘Boo, you whore!’

‘Shame on you! Shame on your cow!’

‘You come into our family as a blood relative,’ said Dante, gesturing grandly, ‘and this is how you choose to repay us on the day of our cousin’s initiation?’

Carmen said, ‘You just forfeited your right to an answer. Marta!’

She cleared her throat. ‘Truth or dare?’

Adrien’s eyes flicked over the few faces he could see. ‘Truth.’

‘What’s the best way to sneak out at night?’

His face went blank. Had he ever snuck out as Adrien, as opposed to sneaking out as Chat Noir?

‘Anyone else hear the internet dial-up tone, or is that just me?’ said someone.

‘Is that what that is?’ said Paola. ‘I thought I heard the Wii theme.’

‘No, no, that’s the littles and the extended cousins playing Just Dance.’

‘Ah.’

Adrien said, ‘The window of my bedroom is super easy to climb out of. The façade of the house looks too smooth to climb, but it’s got plenty of handholds.’

‘That’s what she said,’ said Antonio, _sotto voce_.

Fabric whispered as every head turned to glare at him.

He huddled further into his robe. ‘Sorry.’

‘It’s your turn anyways,’ said Carmen wearily.

‘Awesome.’ Antonio sat up straight. ‘Truth or Dare?’

‘Dare,’ said Adrien.

‘Do your best “Save me, Ladybug!” impression.’

‘My time has come!’ Adrien cleared his throat and closed his eyes, centring himself before crying, ‘Save me, Ladybug!’ in his best effort to return to a tenor.

Marta leaned over and whispered, ‘Ladybug kink?’ to Dante.

‘Who doesn’t?’

‘Good to know. Paola.’

‘Truth or Dare?’

‘Dare.’

‘Fuck, Marry, Kill: Ladybug, Chat Noir, Hawkmoth.’

‘Oh. Hm.’ Adrien tented his fingers and rested his chin on them. ‘I’m going to have to think on this for a second.’ He watched the flickering candles. His nose twitched at the rich scent of real beeswax. ‘Okay. Fuck Chat Noir, Marry Ladybug, Kill Hawkmoth.’

‘Explain,’ said Paola.

His eyes went glassy. ‘Ladybug is the most wonderful, amazing woman in the world. I could get lost in her bluebell eyes, listening to her plan and scheme, her victorious, passionate cry, calling out “Lucky Charm!” at the top of her lungs—’

Knowing glances were passed around the room.

The candles burned lower.

‘—And the way the spots dance on her hips when she swings through the air—’

Lucius yawned loudly and pointedly. ‘Do I get to ask a question or are we going to have to listen to Ladybug’s praises all night?’

Adrien blushed. ‘Sorry. I get a little carried away on Ladybug.’

‘Uh-huh.’ He blinked slowly. ‘As punishment, I’m picking the next one. Truth: Does Marinette know of your Ladybug obsession?’

‘Er, uh, well…’ Adrien rubbed the back of his neck furiously. ‘Short answer is yes.’

‘That’s all we need. Next question.’

Paola raised her hand. ‘We still haven’t heard why Fuck Chat Noir and Kill Hawkmoth?’

Dante pulled out a stop watch. ‘Thirty seconds, go.’

Adrien said, ‘Kill Hawkmoth—the guy’s a douche and made us live in fear forever. And fuck Chat Noir because, er, eh, um…’

‘It’s that bell, isn’t it?’

‘Well…’

Carmen took a sip of her drink. ‘My money’s on that fucking zipper. Placement is everything.’

‘Um, sure?’ said Adrien, blushing harder. ‘He looks like someone who would treat you right.’

‘What a PR perfect answer.’

Adrien slapped his pec, silencing a cackling Plagg. He turned to the next cousin. ‘Dare, please.’

The cousin—Michael, maybe?—blinked before shrugging. ‘All right. Best impression of Chat Noir pole dancing.’ 

‘Fuck you.’

‘You chose the dare.’

‘Hold up!’ called Antonio, his thumb already working his phone. ‘We need music.’

Adrien’s model smile wobbled. ‘I need a pole?’

‘You’re a model and an actor. Pretend there’s a pole.’

‘Right.’ Adrien pointed the toe of one foot. Nervous laughter spilled over. ‘Sorry. Need a minute.’

‘You’re good.’ Antonio leaned over to Marta, tilting the phone. ‘Which one?’

‘Oh, sweet child. None of these.’ She grabbed the phone and pulled up a new one. ‘Classic.’

‘I’ve never heard of that song.’

‘That’s okay, grasshopper. D, do we have any speakers?’

Adrien tilted his head as ‘Girl is a Problem’ pounded through the speakers. ‘Eh, good beat.’ He rose sinuously and spun on an imaginary pole. The temptation to transform and allow every bit of his inner exhibitionism have free reign was insane.

He crouched, spun, crawled, rolled, and undulated in time to the beat. He ran a hand up under his shirt, yanking on the buttons, chewing on his lower lip.

'God damn it,' muttered Carmen, taking another drink. 

'Thirsty much?' said Dante. 

Adrien's other hand slid down his thrust hips, a look of ecstasy on his face.

'Fuck you,' she said. 

Someone cut the music, and Adrien rolled into a kneeling position to zip his trousers back up. His hair was thick with sweat. ‘Did I pass?’

‘Well done,’ said Michael, bright red to the roots of his hair.

‘All right,’ said Dante. ‘My turn. Truth or Dare?’

‘Truth.’

Dante grinned, his eyes half-closed. In the low lighting, he resembled Plagg far too much for Adrien’s comfort. ‘How far have you gone on Super Penguino?’

Adrien blanched. ‘Um, er—ahem. Um, my Super Penguino partner might have thoughts on that.’

‘Very well: One partner or multiple for Super Penguino?’

‘One!’ he squeaked. ‘Just the one.’

‘One at a time, or…?’

‘Oneatatime! Everandalways!’ Adrien looked everywhere but the King’s Cup. A fresh wave of sweat broke out on his forehead. ‘Marinette and Ladybug have been the only women for me.’

Dante sat back, his posture perfectly straight. ‘Wise order. Carmen?’

A bead of sweat ran down Adrien’s face. He gripped the fabric of his robe to resist wiping at his face. Stupid hands were sweaty.

‘Truth or Dare?’ said Carmen in a low, dangerous voice.

‘Da—Truth.’

‘Are you sure?’

The glint in her eye was far too familiar for comfort. He licked his lips. ‘De-definitely. Definitely.’

Her eyebrows twitched. ‘All right. What’s been the worst part of Nathalie joining the family?’

Adrien felt the wave of red spread from his heart, up his neck, along his face, and settle at the top of his head. He tried to speak, and a second wave of heat spread.

‘You okay?’

Adrien glared at the cup and pulled at the much loosened collar of his shirt. ‘I’m going to have to drink that no matter what, am I?’

‘Eventually.’

He huffed and growled, spinning the Miraculous on his finger. ‘God, I can’t believe I’m doing this. HURNGH!’

The cousins watched as he drummed his fingers on his legs before pulling on his hair, his cheeks puffing.

‘Are you going to be okay? That’s the third time you’ve flushed like that.’

‘I’ll be fine!’

‘We can stop if it’s that bad,’ said Dante.

‘No! Because I’ve been dying to tell someone, but—it’s—it’s just The Actual Worst!’

They waited.

The candles flickered, and Adrien fought through a wave of nausea. He clicked his tongue. ‘Fuck it. Fuck! It!’

He took a long, slow breath and said quickly, ‘FindingoutthatNathalieisn’tthescreamerintherelationship! Fuck-ing _HELL_!’

‘Wha—NO!’

‘ _Madre de Dios_! _No!_ ’

The King’s Cup was ripped from Adrien’s fingers, spilling on the ground.

‘No! Drink something else!’

Bottles of whiskey and schnapps were shoved into his hands. Adrien sobbed and upended both bottles, chugging as if his life depended on it.

‘ _Dios mio,_ ’ whispered Lucius ‘What have we done?’

One of the younger cousins raised a hand. ‘For those of use who are a little slower on the language thing, what exactly did he say?’

‘Tia Talia isn’t the screamer in the relationship.’

Carmen translated the sentence into Portuguese.

The teen blinked twice before upending his own glass.

Adrien lowered the bottles and took a deep, shuddering gasp before coughing. ‘What the—ugh, schnapps.’

He handed the bottle back and took another long drink from the whiskey bottle.

‘You okay there, Sunshine?’ said Carmen, patting him on the back.

He wiped at his eyes and stared at the bottle. ‘They try to be discreet. I know they do…But the house doesn’t have anything to stop the echos!’

Up went the bottle again.

‘Um,’ said Santiago, ‘should we get someone?’

‘Are you out of your mind? You remember what happened last time we advertised our sins to Abuela!’

‘What happened?’ wheezed Adrien.

Dante said, ‘We had to clean the kitchen and bathroom floors with toothbrushes.’ He sighed wearily. ‘All right, only one thing to do.'

‘You’re not suggesting—oh, fuck.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thank you to everyone who suggested truths, dares, and song suggestions! This chapter wouldn't be what it is without your help.


	40. ‘Wii Would Like to Play.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note to self: Don't put Martin and Marinette in the same scene.

Marinette watched the newly robed Adrien be led to the boat house. ‘He’ll be all right, right? Nathalie?’

Gabriel seconded the question with an anxious look at this wife.

Nathalie gave them a sympathetic smile and stepped out of the car. ‘Time to find out what the young ones have gotten into.’

Marinette and Gabriel exchanged a look before scrambling out after her.

They found Alya and Nino asleep on the guest bed, Ciana asleep on Nino’s chest. Béatrice sat in the curve of Alya’s legs and burbled to Mr Waddles, her tiny hands playing with his button eyes. She shoved his beak into her mouth and looked up to her parents.

She threw the slobbery duck—hitting Alya in the face—and screeched, ‘Papa! Mama!’

Ciana sat up, her dark hair sticking straight up. ‘Pama?’ she mumbled, her face red and covered in marks from the creases in Nino’s shirt.

Alya sat up, looked at the newcomers, and fell back against the duvet. ‘Thank—oof!’ She rubbed her stomach where Béatrice dug an elbow in. ‘I’m so glad you’re back.’

Béatrice went straight to her mother, giggling with satisfaction as she was picked up.

‘How bad was it this time?’ said Marinette.

Nathalie sniffed her child. ‘What did they do that you had to bathe them?’

Gabriel cooed at the baby before giving the sitters a sharp look.

Aly and Nino shared a weary sigh before rolling off the bed. ‘Fireplace expedition,’ said Nino. ‘I think we got all the soot out of the carpet, but you’ll want to check in the morning.’ He rubbed his jaw. ‘Mind if we discuss payment in the morning?’

‘Absolutely,’ said Gabriel, his brain already doing calculations as he scanned just the bedroom.

Phantom poked her head out of the suitcase and meowed delicately.

‘She’s been fed,’ said Alya. ‘Don’t let her fool you.’

The cat’s whiskers twitched disapprovingly before she settled back in with her kittens.

Marinette grabbed her friends. ‘Come on; the cousins said something about a Wii tournament in the family room.’

‘Have a little heart, please?’ Nino rubbed his eyes, stumbling after her. ‘We just got done monitoring the real life equivalent of Jack Jack Attack times two.’

Alya stopped by a mirror and checked her hair and mascara. ‘How much fun can a Wii tournament actually be? Everyone knows Kinect is the way to go.’

‘What if I said Lukamgami is making progress?’

Nino snorted. ‘I would count that as an Easter miracle on par with any Christmas film.’

‘Excellent. Because they are.’ Marinette wound her hair into space buns.

‘Really?’ said Alya.

‘Really. The things you miss when you don’t go to church. Apparently.’

‘Religious reasons!’

‘Never stopped you before!’

Alya wiped at the space under her eyes. ‘Fine. You’ve convinced me.’

‘Not me.’ Nino yawned. ‘I’m going to bed.’

Marinette tucked her arms through theirs. ‘Nope! You were both such a help when I had a crush on Adrien, surely we can help them now! And besides, we’ve been watching them dance around each other for _months_ at this point!’

‘It feels like years.’

‘Whatever, old man.’ Marinette hip-checked him and herded them to the game room.

Nino perked up considerably at seeing the set up. ‘What did you say about a tournament?’

Anita jabbed another cousin in the chest. ‘Listen, Junie; we’re starting with Just Dance. You can do your Super Smash Bros thing after dinner!’

The flustered looking Junie opened his mouth, but Martin said, ‘Just go with it. It’ll be easier.’ A sly grin crossed his face. ‘And then Minecraft all night!’ He pumped his fists in the air and started dancing.

‘Just wait,’ said Junie. ‘Fornight’ll be the end of Minecraft.’

Kagami and Nino laughed.

Felix gave the poor kid a sympathetic look. ‘Minecraft is here to stay. Most of us are in too deep at this point.’

‘Only because you and Adrien have recreated most of the major cities in your world at this point,’ said Marinette.

‘Alas, this is true. Of course, he played significantly more before you.’

Marinette played with a loose piece of hair and fluttered her lashes. ‘What can I say? Obviously I’m more fun to play with. More buttons.’

Alya snorted at Felix and Luka’s flush. She grabbed a controller and said, ‘All right, who’s feeling brave?’ 

Anita bounced up and grabbed the other controller. ‘Martin, you’re in charge!’

‘Why? I hate maths!’

Felix grabbed a marker from the giant white board. ‘I’ll help you, kid. Can’t be worse than figuring out a seating chart for a state dinner.’

Martin snorted and grabbed the other marker. ‘You obviously haven’t been to a family wedding.’

Chloe and Marinette hovered over their shoulders, watching as they drew up the chart and filled in names.

‘Nope.’ Chloe clicked her tongue and tapped a nail on a third tier. ‘Put those two here and here on the first tier.’

‘That would require them to win against two people,’ said Martin.

Felix raised an eyebrow.

Chloe smiled sweetly. ‘Trust me, they’ll do it. Luka’s hips qualify as snake-like in more than one way—’

‘And how do you know this?’

The sweetness in her smile tripled. ‘And once Kagami’s competitive spirit is engaged, she’ll find a way.’

Martin looked from one to the other. He whispered to Marinette, ‘Am I missing something?’

‘Not sure.’ Marinette grabbed a marker and wrote her name in. Nothing like a rigging a tournament in the name of love!

As predicted, Kagami and Luka passed to the second round. Kagami stiffened as soon as she saw she was going against Marinette. ‘Why?’

Marinette wriggled her shoulders. ‘What, afraid you can’t win against me?’ She turned the setting to Medium and took the starting position.

Kagami’s mouth tightened but she settled in for the start.

Alya sat on Nino’s lap, one arm draped over his shoulders. ‘Sometimes, I almost pity her. She’s so easy to goad and manipulate.’ 

Nino adjusted her legs and settled in more comfortably. ‘It’s for her own good in this case.’ He yawned and promptly fell back asleep.

Back at the screen, Marinette carefully made sure to move just a fraction to slow, just missing her perfections. She grinned as Kagami hit the close, tightly controlled movements with precision.

At the end, Kagami turned to her and said, ‘Don’t ever let me win again.’

Marinette saluted and moon danced to a corner of the room.

Three more pairings went before controllers were shoved into Luka and Kagami’s hands. ‘You’re up!’

Kagami narrowed her eyes at the controller. ‘This game is ridiculous. I don’t see the point in it.’

‘Listen, _coach_ ,’ Luka leaned in. ‘I bet I can beat you on a partnered dance. And just to make it fair, you choose the one.’

‘Have you played any of these?’

‘You really think we have room for a TV and game console on our house boat.’

Kagami tossed her hair. ‘ _Touché._ All right; you’re on.’ She turned to the TV and scrolled through the different songs before selecting one.

‘Béyonce and Shakira? Bold choice,’ said Marinette, her eyes sparkling.

Luka frowned. ‘I don’t think I’m familiar with this song.’ He set the difficulty and moved into position, one hand raised over the other.

Kagami smiled smugly. ‘That’s okay. I am.’ 

The smugness disappeared as soon as the avatars started undulating. She swore in Japanese and pulled at her hair.

‘Not a move,’ said Luka, his own tone turning smug as he made smooth movements. ‘Time to test that flexibility, m’dear.’

She scowled, a sharp retort on her tongue.

‘Children!’

Kagami stared in horror as his hips undulated with carefully controlled grace.

‘Move! You can’t lose to a _boy_!’ cried Anita.

That got her. Kagami followed the motions, her stiffness contrasting with Luka’s fluidity.

As they faced each other, moving back and forth together, she said, ‘So, you do much dancing?’

They moved in a box step around each other, maintaining eye contact.

‘Why?’ said Luka, adding a flourish with his hip. ‘Scared, Tsurugi?’

They moved back to back. Kagami stuck her tongue out a little, trying to focus on getting her body to do even a fraction of what Luka—stupid, stupid man!—was doing. They were definitely sticking to bowling after this.

And how did he still smell so good? Better, even. Her tongue still held the residual taste of cinnamon and sugar on it, leftovers from a quick snack. Which meant Luka’s tongue might, too.

Her friends smiled approvingly as her motions became more relaxed and fluid.

‘Whoohoo! She might beat him!’ 

Anita’s cry shocked Kagami from her stupor, returning her attention to the task at hand.

‘Move from the core,’ said Luka. ‘And relax your joints. There’s no wrong way to belly dance.’

‘Easy for you to say,’ she grumbled, shaking the controller on beat.

He grinned.

There! There was the tiny bit of sugar, winking from the corner of his mouth.

‘Big finish.’

‘I’ll give you a big finish.’

His eyes dilated, and he tripped, ruining his serial Perfection.

‘Mate’

Luka waved with his non-controller hand at Felix and returned his attention to the dance. He grabbed Kagami’s hand and guided it into the finishing position.

She slid closer, settling her back against his chest. Her hand guided his arm around his waist. ‘Not bad for a trainee.’

His ears flushed, their lips rosy and moist.

Martin put his hands around his mouth. ‘All PDA must be relocated to a private location—like the hay barn! All PDA—’

Anita hit him with a pillow, knocking him into the couch and, by extension, Alya and a sleeping Nino.

Luka clapped and rubbed his hands together. ‘All right, you little shits. Listen up.’

Kagami raised an eyebrow.

‘Er, not you Kagami. We’re overjoyed to have you here.’

Felix sighed and transferred a large sum of money to Chloe from his phone.

Her phone pinged, and she smiled at the notification before blowing a kiss. ‘Pleasure doing business,’ she said with a wink.


	41. The Great Easter Chicken Caper

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has been brought to you by Grieg's In The Hall of the Mountain King ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kLp_Hh6DKWc ), Vaugner's The Ride of the Valkyries ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XRU1AJsXN1g ), and the Western Sound Effect ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sbVdqrAlzmg ).

‘…I have no desire to raise my own. Fang’s plenty enough trouble,’ said Penny, swirling the wine in her glass.

‘Esther keeps telling me it’s just a matter of getting them through that last year, but honestly—’

‘Mom! I caught a bird!’ 

Nathalie staggered as Adrien ran into her, knocking her into the wall. She just managed to save her drink. ‘Hello to you as well. I see you survived the initiation.’

‘Look at my bird!’ He held out his prize.

‘That’s a chicken.’

‘Still a bird!’

The hen turned her head and glared at both humans at the same time.

Penny studied the hen over the rim of her glass. ‘Is that Brunhilde?’ 

Nathalie sniffed the air and frowned. ‘Please explain how you lost and had to drink the cup?’

Adrien turned a dangerous shade of red and nearly dropped poor Brunhilde.

Carmen sidled up and draped an arm over Adrien’s shoulder. ‘You should be proud to know that the rules that you wrote still stand, _tia_.’ She pinched Adrien’s cheek. ‘But he’s absolutely precious, and we’re thrilled to have him in the family.’

Brunhilde pecked at Adrien’s hands, more than ready to return to her warm nest.

Penny laughed as Nathalie pinched the bridge of her nose. ‘Might want to put the chicken back, kid.’ She leaned closer, examining the markings. ‘Actually, I’m pretty sure that is Brunhilde. Jagged tried to steal her last time we were here.’

Adrien’s eyes widened. ‘Why did he steal a chicken? And can I call him Tio Jagged?’

‘He’s a cousin,’ said Carmen, ‘and we don’t talk about the Halloween Chicken Affair.’

‘But—but—but—’

‘Just go eat dinner, please,’ said Nathalie, eyeing her virgin drink with despair.

‘Yes, Mom.’

‘And don’t let your father catch you drinking!’

Adrien muttered, ‘That’s all I need.’

Carmen flicked the centre of his forehead and dragged him off to eat. ‘If we’re lucky, Tio Rafael finally made enough _arroz con gandules_ that we’ll be able to get some this time.’

‘That’s rice with…what?’

She came to a stop, a blank look crossing her face. ‘Ummm…the small birds that live in cities, eat garbage?’

‘Pigeons?’

‘That’s the word! Pigeon peas.’

Adrien shuddered. ‘I hate pigeons.’

‘Why? Other than they eat garbage.’

‘Live through Mr Pigeon terrorising Paris for the twenty-sixth time—’

‘Twenty-eight!’ Marinette sidled up and slid her arm through Adrien’s. ‘It was twenty-eight times.’

‘Was it really?’ He kissed her forehead. ‘My, how time flies!’

Marinette gagged. ‘What the actual hell did you drink?’ she said in French.

‘King’s cup,’ he said. ‘Don’t ask.’

‘Wasn’t going to.’ She held her nose and stepped away.

He pouted, eyes wide and slowly filling with tears. ‘My Lady hates me?’

‘Your Lady thinks you need to brush your teeth and gargle with mouth wash.’ She made a face. ‘And maybe eat a bulb of garlic.’

‘Definitely need to eat.’ He extended a hand, but she took a further step away.

In English, Carmen said, ‘There’s a reason Friday night is a protein and complex carb heavy night.’

Adrien patted his stomach. ‘I’ll resume working out on Monday.’

‘We’re travelling on Monday,’ said Marinette.

‘Tuesday?’

‘Exams for le Bac, remember?’

‘Hate that thing.’ He adjusted his glasses and said to Brunhilde, ‘You don’t have classes or exams, you lucky poultry.’

‘Why _do_ you have a chicken?’

Adrien mimed locking his lips. ‘Family secrets.’

‘Right.’

The dining room was full of adults lingering over liqueurs, port, and brandy. The Three Grandmothers sat by the fire on the sun porch, bottles of limoncello, _pacharan_ , and _baijiu_ glinting in the light on the table.

The breeze carried the faint smell of cigar and tobacco smoke from the outside, cooling the stuffy and crowded indoors. 

Adrien and Marinette followed Carmen and filled their plates. There was just enough _arroz con gandules_ that Carmen only grumbled a few choice words before sharing it with the other two.

‘As long we beat the last of the stragglers,’ she said, scooping the last onto Adrien’s plate.

‘I don’t really need that much,’ he said, trying to juggle Brunhilde and the plate. ‘You can take some if you want it.’

Carmen stuck a fork in her mouth and loaded up on fajitas. ‘Marinette, is everyone still in the game room?’

‘I think the library was mentioned.’ Marinette stabbed at something covered in sesame seeds. ‘Something about “the fate of the last console”.’

‘Huh. Must’ve been the year I missed because of exams.’

The three took their loaded plates to the library. Adrien’s eyes widened at the sight of Luka perched on the coffee table by Kagami’s knees. He glanced at Marinette and raised an eyebrow in question.

She nodded and took the window seat.

Brunhilde clucked in protest under Adrien’s arm.

‘Why do you have a chicken?’ said Luka, two empty plates beside him. His hand idly stroked Kagami's ankle. 

‘“Zeeze t’ings doo ‘appen",’ slurred Felix.

Dante froze, a bite of cake halfway to his mouth.

The native French speakers bristled.

‘That may have been one of the worse accents I’ve ever heard,’ said Santiago.

Felix swayed and switched back to his natural accent. ‘But you have heard it.’

Brunhilde clucked and struggled against her bonds.

‘I don’t think that chicken wants to be here,’ said Nino.

Antonio cracked his knuckles. ‘Adrien, do you want your cousin sent to the drink tank?’

‘Not yet.’ Adrien settled back in his chair, affecting an air of Don Corleone on the day of his daughter’s wedding. A difficult enough task when a baby-faced teenager made all the more difficult by the heaping plate of food.

Chloe strolled in, a glass of sangria in hand. She gave Felix a disappointed look. ‘Oh. Still alive after two hours?’

‘Pfft! No need to sound so disappointed, Chloe, luv. People might think you don’t like me.’

Kagami snorted, her stockinged foot rubbing Luka’s leg.

When Chloe didn’t respond, Felix sashayed unsteadily across the room. ‘Honestly, ‘fess up. You lo-ove me! You wanna kiss me!’

The heiress leaned in, her lids heavy and smoky. ‘You sure about that?’ She ran the tip of her tongue over her lower lip. 

His eyes fixed on her mouth, his breathing laboured. 

Chloe closed the distance, eyes closing—

‘No way,’ whispered Alya.

Adrien pointedly covered his eyes. 

Just before their lips melt, Chloe bobbed away, holding eye contact as she licked the residual sangria from her fingers. ‘Yummy,’ she purred before sauntering off, her stilettos clicking on the floor. She settled beside Dante and tucked her feet beneath her.

‘How the fuck does she do that?’ said Santiago.

‘Carefully,’ said Adrien. ‘Yo, Fé! We good in there?’

Felix scowled and gulped his drink.

Adrien threw a grape at his other cousin. ‘How about you, Dante?’

‘Uh-huh.’ The teen’s eyes were fixed on Chloe sipping her drink.

‘Ba-BAWK!’ Brunhilde freed her wings and flapped. She clipped Adrien’s plate, sending the contents flying.

Kagami leapt from her chair, grabbing Luka and just avoiding the food. ‘Agreste!’

‘Not my fault!’ He ran after the chicken, knocking his shins against the furniture.

‘You brought the stupid thing here—!’

‘The empanadas!’ cried Marta.

Kagami stormed out, Luka in tow.

Adrien flung himself forward in a desperate hope to stop Brunhilde.

‘My churros!’ Antonio held them against his chest and was knocked into Chloe.

She screamed as sangria splashed all over her, Dante, and the window seat.

‘Be nice to my chicken!’ yelled Adrien in response to the spew of curses.

‘I’ll show _you_ where to put that chicken!’

Marinette squeaked and jumped onto the couch. ‘It drew blood!’

‘I’m sorry, My Lady! Brunhilde!’

The hen squawked again and ran for the open door.

Adrien slipped in the mess of foot and landed on his face, knocking into Felix.

Brunhilde ran as fast as she could, dodging the various feet. Her head bobbed with each step, her feathers pressed close to her body.

‘Kitty!’ screeched a baby.

‘No, no, no, no!’ Adrien scrambled to get his foot, inadvertently kicking Felix.

All Felix could turn was grunt and curl into a ball on his side, eyes squeezed shut in pain.

Adrien and Company made it out from the library just in time to see the front door shut. Brunhilde immediately turned and headed straight into the dining room.

‘Uh-oh.’

A tia or older prima yelped, and the shouts of varying adults sounded.

Brunhilde re-emerged in a cloud of feathers.

‘Adrien Agreste!’ yelled Nathalie.

‘It wasn’t me!’ He motioned for Antonio to go left as he went right.

Brunhilde eyed them as they slowly surrounded her. From above, they could hear the whistle cuing the show down: Man vs Chicken.

She scratched one foot and stuck her beak out.

Adrien’s finger twitched. ‘You won’t get away on my watch, Brunhilde.’

‘Any other cliché quotes?’ said Nino with a grin.

He tipped an imaginary Stetson. ‘You’ve just yee’d your last haw, _pollo_.’

Rice spewed from Carmen’s mouth as she doubled over with laughter. Marinette rescued her plate, a grin splitting her own face.

Brunhilde shook and fluffed her feathers.

The signature Cowboy Stare Down whistle sounded from above again.

This time, human and creature alike looked to the third-floor balcony.

Luka made the whistling sound one last time before leaning against the railing, watching the mayhem below. ‘Can’t complain about the entertainment tonight.’

Adrien charged at the chicken. She neatly avoided him and made for the kitchen stairs, several people in hot pursuit.

‘With so many people chasing her, maybe Adrien should change her name to Ladybug,’ said Luka with a chuckle.

Kagami studied him, a soft smile on her face.

He turned and ran a lazy eye over Kagami’s profile. Her cap of hair slightly ruffled. ‘So…’

Her eyebrows twitched. ‘So?’

‘You wanna make out or something?’

Kagami grabbed the front of his shirt and yanked him to her level. ‘Gladly.’


	42. Familial Conviviality

Brunhilde’s tiny chicken legs were shaking with effort. She sprinted between the last series of legs, pecking as needed, and shot into the freedom of the outdoors.

Behind her, Abuela’s broom slammed against the door. ‘ _Fuera de aqui! Pollo estupido…_ ’[1]

She turned and watched Adrien skitter to a stop and freeze. His eyes were wide, his shoulders hunched. So had the dog often looked after being caught feasting on fresh eggs from the hen house.

Abuela adjusted the glasses on her nose and the shawl around her shoulders. ‘ _Y niño…_ ’ She clasped her hands in front of her. ‘ _Por que tienes uno pollo, niño?_ ’[2]

Adrien cleared his throat and slowly, painfully, returned to a standing position. He stared at the floor, his neck burning. ‘Um, _los primos_.’

‘Ah. The cousins.’ She clicked her tongue. ‘I suppose it had to be tonight.’ Her sensible shoes clicked as she walked across the floor and tilted Adrien’s chin up to look at her. ‘Don’t do it again.’

Relief washed across his face. ‘Yes, ma—Abuela.’

She smiled and patted his cheek. ‘Good boy. Now, go get into normal shenanigans. The night is young.’ She held up a finger. ‘But leave Katya’s chickens alone.’

‘Yes, Abuela.’ He hugged her tightly. ‘Thank you, Abuela.’

He ran out the door and to a waiting tractor.

Abuela clicked her tongue and drifted through the house. Merengue music pounded from the sitting room. She would need to stock up on baby-soft yarn.

Downstairs in the kitchen, Abuela found several of the recent and expecting mothers sitting around a table that had come from a monastery sometime in the 16th century. She shuffled around the edge of the room, careful to not interrupt the conversations. Contrary to popular opinion, she could ghost around a room better than anyone.

‘—just a small piercing,’ said Ivelisse, balancing a plate on her eight month belly. ‘But her father!’

Yelena’s acrylics tapped aggressively on the table. She turned and flipped her long hair expertly. ‘Speaking of small and fathers, how’s your husband been, Isa?’

Isa returned the fake smile. ‘Oh, you know. Out gathering strays as usual. It’s a pity he couldn’t come, but, y’know, the settlement simply wiped him out.’

‘No!’ chorused the table.

‘You finally left him!’

‘How much did you take him for, _chica_?’

‘Did you get the house?’

‘I got the house, the maid, three of the cars—’

‘Hello, university,’ said Nathalie, motioning to Isa’s cling-on.

Isa kissed her fingers and pressed them to the forehead of her nursing baby. ‘ _Si, si, yo se_. The babies are provided for—and I got full custody!’

‘Wow! How’d you wrangle that?’

‘ _Prima_ Talia is always the sweetest.’ Isa made a wry face over her glass of water. ‘But I do owe her more than my lawyers.’

‘Just a little leverage and some very nice lawyers of my own,’ said Nathalie. ‘Speaking of, is it true that Katya’s Antonio finally did the complete overhaul on the Ferguson.’

‘And about time, too,’ said Yelena. ‘That poor thing was more rust than tractor. Tony was talking about sending one of our old Deers over—’

The table exploded with variations on ‘Ay, no! Why?’

She rolled her eyes. ‘He’s dying for an excuse for a new tractor, but FFA and 4H don’t need anymore tractors for some reason. So, we keep the old tractors, and Katya’s Antonio finally had to follow through.’

Petra said, ‘I heard he also finally reroofed the barn.’

‘Heard? Or saw?’

‘Oh, I definitely saw.’

‘I thought you didn’t double dip on your, you know, “locations”,’ said Valerina, burping her latest baby.

‘ _Madre de Dios,_ that was before getting pregnant. _Joder_ , if I knew pregnancy sex was even a fraction this good, I’d be five babies in by now.’ She sipped her tea and leaned back in her chair. ‘ _Pero_ Talia, where’s your _esposo_? Learning to dance?’

Nathalie’s mouth twitched. It quickly turned to a smothered look of pain Béatrice shifted in her sleep and dug her elbow into her mother’s left breast. ‘Are you giving lessons?’ She adjusted her sleeping toddler’s elbow. ‘Because he’s been putting on stress weight.’

‘Stress weight? Is that we’re calling the middle aged padding now?’

Yelena snickered. ‘He can afford it. The house is gorgeous. Bit roomy for the five?…’ She side-eyed Nathalie. ‘Seven?—of you?’

‘Seven?’ said Rosa, cackling. ‘More like eight—ah-ah-ah! No _mal de ojo_ ; I’ll tell Abuela.’

Nathalie rubbed Béatrice’s back and settled back in her chair. ‘You’ll have to wait until morning,’ she said, smiling smugly. ‘And we all know how well you do with patience.’

‘About as well as Valeria does with the vacuum cleaner.’

‘That was one time!’

‘And now the whole family is banned from downtown! As my kids say, “this is why we can’t nice things”.’

‘Oh, quoting the kids now?’

‘At least my kids aren’t stupid enough to fall out of the same tree and break the same arm two years in a row.’

‘ _Bruja_!’

‘ _Puta_!’

Abuela cleared her throat.

The collected mothers turned and looked to the designated corner.

Abuela sipped her espresso. ‘Remember the children. It doesn’t look good when _el padre_ looks through the baby book and sees that the child’s first word is _joder_.’

Valeria shifted uncomfortably in her chair before wrapping the blanket tighter around her baby.

Nathalie stared at her water. If only it was vodka.

Abuela shuffled past them all. ‘And remember, no blood. It stains the wood.’

‘ _Si,_ Abuela,’ they murmured.

Rosa went to the sink and looked through the half windows. She did a double take before saying, ‘Oy, Yelena, isn’t that your Marta on the Ferguson?’

‘ _Mija, por que?_ ’ Yelena struggled to her feet and over to the window. She disappeared up the outside stairs before jogging back down. ‘Talia, isn’t yours the blond one?’

‘Which blond one?’

‘The one who looks about fifteen taquitos short of making the basketball team.’

The room filled with sounds of disbelief. Nathalie herself snorted. ‘Fifteen? You mean fifteen hundred.’ She adjusted her hold on Béatrice and walked over to the door.

Halfway across the field, Marta stood behind Adrien, pointing to the various levers and buttons. And yes, Adrien was driving the Ferguson.

‘So,’ said Petra as the mothers gathered on the patio. ‘Is he your son or Gabriel’s son in times like these?’

‘Move that lever, then press the pedal—Yeah!’

‘Yeehaw!’ Adrien pressed on the accelerator, the engine on the Ferguson revving. ‘I’m a farmer, y’all!’

Marta sighed. ‘Okay, first off, it’s plural and therefore constitutes as “all y’all”. Secondly, you’re making your way at a sedate ten miles an hour, Sunshine.’

‘What’s that in real speed?’

She smacked the back of his head. ‘Just remember what we said about Katya’s flowerbeds.’

Adrien reached up and stilled his wobbling head. With the disappearance of his glasses, everything was already blurry; no need to make it any worse.

The hearty honking of a horn on their left caught their attention.

Marta yelped. ‘What’d you do to that poor mower?’

‘What are you talking about?’ said a shirtless Michael. ‘She can outrun and out haul Dad’s Dodge. She needs a horn to match.’

‘Pedro’s going to be furious!’

Adrien grinned as her Texan accent increased in strength.

‘Eh, I’ll restore it in the morning,’ said Michael. ‘Katya’ll be too busy cleaning up the adults to bother with anything else.’

Marta pulled on her pony tail. ‘Restore it in the morning? Since when have you ever remembered how to undo alterations you’ve made the night before?’ 

He laughed and sped off into the night, a bale of hay attached to the back by way of a trailer.

‘Is he like that much?’ said Adrien.

Marta snorted. ‘All the dang time.’

They continued across the field. Marta pointed out the pig pens, the horse paddock, and the eight hay barns.

‘Which one’s make out central?’ said Adrien.

‘All of them, most with double occupancy.’

‘Aren’t you all related to each other?’

Marta snickered before laughing nervously. ‘Uh, yeah, um, hehe, it’s, um, yeah, it’s not just the teens who are out there.’

‘What do you mean?’

She cleared her throat. ‘Just focus on driving the tractor.’

‘Come on.’ Adrien turned his head and flashed his 10,000 watt smile. ‘It’s me, Marta. We’re cousins now, remember?’

‘A couple of us—mind the cat—have accidentally walked in on some of the marrieds reliving their teenage years or fantasies.’

His foot slipped on the accelerator, and the tractor lurched forward.

‘Mind the Benz!’

Adrien’s elbows locked and his brain went blank, his foot heavy on the accelerator. ‘Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!’

‘Let go! Relax!’

‘Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!’

‘ _Mierda!_ ’ Marta tried to wrestle the steering wheel away.

Someone outside screamed, and the tractor ploughed into something. Metal screeched, and the tractor automatically shut down.

The teens stared blankly, shaking, listening to the sudden stillness and the moderate strains of ‘Suavemente’ coming from the house.

‘I’m so dead,’ whispered Adrien.

Marta shook her head and pried her fingers loose from the back of the seat. ‘No, no, we’re just going to wish we were dead.’

‘What’s worse than death?’

Marta gulped as adults poured from the house. ‘You’ll find out.’

The teens slid down the side of the tractor. Tio Rafael—who still coached track and field for a university—caught them by the shoulder and ear respectively before they could disappear into the darkness.

‘Nuh-uh-uh!’ He hauled them back to the house. ‘You’re going to face the music like the young adults you both are.’

‘Not an adult yet,’ said Adrien, trying to find a less uncomfortable position as his ear was held.

‘Twelve more minutes,’ spat Marta.

‘That’s all I need.’ He tried and failed to grin.

When they reached the side porch, Rafael pushed Adrien in the direction of his parents before herding Marta to her mother.

Adrien stumbled to a stop in front of a very disappointed looking Nathalie, Béatrice on her hip. His father looked beyond furious. The vein in his temple was throbbing.

‘Ahem, well,’ said their son, rubbing the back of his neck.

‘I don’t have any words,’ said Gabriel calmly. 

_Ooh, boy_. ‘Can I—I mean, _may_ I at least have some water before this lecture?’

‘Water? You want water at a time like this! You just ran a _tractor_ into a _car_!’

‘I believe the technical term is “ploughed”. I ploughed the tractor into the car.’

Even Nathalie’s eyes widened in frustration. ‘ _Chico_.’ She clicked her tongue and walked back into the house, shaking her head.

Adrien stood up straight and braced himself. He could surrender himself to his fate. He would survive this.

Maybe.

Probably.

This was the price for wishing his father would pay more attention to him. At least the alcohol had filtered from his system enough that it was just carelessness—and the loss of his glasses.. _._

 _Mierda_.

‘Talia!’ called one of the tios. ‘It’s okay! It’s just your father’s car!’

‘Aw, _que lindo_ ,’[3] purred Abuela.

[1] ‘Get out! Stupid chicken...’

[2] ‘Why do you have a chicken?’

[3] ‘Aw, how nice.’


	43. Definitely, Most Purposefully, an Accident

‘…And I don’t have any words to describe what happened!’ Gabriel huffed and further loosened his already loose collar.

Adrien tried not to stare at the loose button on his father’s shirt, but it dangled there in the light, torn loose, smudged with lipstick.

Oh, God. It was smudged with Nathalie’s lipstick. And so was some of the shirt, meaning the cravat had been arranged to hide it. Which meant… _ugh_.

So gross.

‘Are you even listening to me, Adrien?’

‘Gabriel,’ said Abuela. ‘You’ve been scolding the boy for nearly forty-five minutes. Take a deep breath and go have a drink before you give yourself a stroke.’

He opened his mouth to argue.

Esther lit a cigarette and said, ‘We’re tired of hearing your voice. Shoo. Go rub Talia’s shoulders or whatever it takes to get her to relax.’

Gabriel straightened his shoulders but scurried inside, a blush already blooming on his cheeks.

‘Here’s hoping she gags him this time.’ Esther puffed on her cigarette, pointedly ignoring Abeula’s glare. ‘You okay there, kid? You look a little green.’

‘Fine,’ wheezed Adrien.

Tio Rafael and Tio Antonio (Olivia’s Antonio, not Katya or Esther’s; yes it’s a family name) walked up. Tio Antonio was wiping his hands on a rag. ‘The good news, it’s pretty thoroughly destroyed.’

Esther rested a hand on Adrien’s shoulder. ‘And?’

Tio Antonio shrugged. ‘The man’ll never go after his heir.’

‘I’m sorry,’ said Adrien, shuffling his feet. ‘It really was an accident.’

Rafael reached up and patted Adrien’s head. ‘ _Esta bien_ ; an _accidente_.’

‘But it was!’

‘Youthful hijinks,’ said Esther around her cigarette.

‘Can I have one?’ said Rafael.

She held out her case, and he lit up.

Abuela’s lip curled but she adjusted her shawl and looked out over the driveway. ‘ _Mira_. _Tenemos invitados_.’[1]

Adrien watched the headlights of what was no doubt his step-grandpapa’s limousine making their way up the drive.

Tio Antonio rested a hand on his shoulder. ‘Remember, _chico_ , it was an accident.’

‘But it was!’

‘Family loyalty is wonderful and should be praised. But we’re only going to be able to sweep it under the rug as long as we have the current police captain installed here.’

‘Huh?’

A second set of headlights followed the first.

‘Ah, good,’ said Abuela. ‘About time Antonio Jose got here.’

‘Another Antonio?’ said Adrien. ‘I’m starting to feel like I’m in a Shakespeare play.’ He slapped his chest, silencing a cackling Plagg. With his luck, this _was_ another Shakespeare play.

People stepped aside and let the police vehicle come to a stop by the front porch. The limousine pulled up behind it, and Raquel bounced out, draped in a very long, very black, and obnoxiously feathery ensemble. She took one look at the car resting beneath the tractor. ‘Is—is he in there?’

The police captain and a second officer stepped out of their vehicle. ‘Perla, good to see you.’ They exchanged air kisses before he looked at the car. ‘Is anyone in there?’

Tios Antonio and Rafael shook their heads.

Adrien swallowed a nervous laugh at the look of disappointment on Raquel’s face. ‘I’m really sorry. It was an accident.’

The police captain grunted. ‘Looks like general kid stuff. But the parking job—Who’s the owner?’

Abuela walked over to the car with him. For some reason, the fact that she was a half head taller than the captain struck Adrien as absolutely hilarious, and he had to bite back another giggle.

Raquel crossed her arms and leaned against the limousine. She spoke softly with her driver, a line appearing between her eyebrows.

Everyone watched the tableau play out: The captain and his officer looked around, took some pictures, and had a quiet discussion before walking back.

The captain went straight to Raquel. ‘Apologies, _señorita_ —’

She held up a beautifully manicured hand, rhinestones glinting off the tips, even in the dim light. ‘Please. I’m a _señora_.’

He gave her an unconvinced look. ‘Very well, _señora_. The car was illegally parked on private property while blocking an evacuation route—’

The junior officer was scribbling tickets as fast as he could. He tried to hand them to Raquel, a pleading look on his face. When she gave his a scornful look, he touched his cap and set them on top of the limousine.

‘—What’s more, there shall be a fine of € 2, 000 for disrupting the peace.’

Raquel sneered at the pile of tickets. ‘Your pet cop’s an ass, Madame Ochoa.’

The captain turn beet red. ‘Do you have no respect for my station? For my years? “I am a wise fellow, and, which is more, an officer—”’

Tia Anna sighed wearily. ‘Here we go again.’

‘“—which more, a householder, and, which is more, as pretty a piece of flesh—”’

‘Does he do this often?’ said Adrien.

‘Every damn time.’ Tio Antonio yawned.

‘There’s a reason we call him Captain Dogberry,’ said Rafael.

Adrien looked to Esther, expecting a smart comment from her concerning the drama below.

She looked pensive and lit another cigarette. ‘Nathalie had Béatrice with her. But where is Ciana?’

Adrenaline flooded his system. Adrien sprinted into the house. His feet pounded up the stairs and to his parents’ room. He pounded on the door, damning the consequences.

No answer.

He pounded harder.

A door opened, and a couple of sheets and pillow cases tumbled out. A ruffled looking and shirtless Luka stuck his head out. ‘Where’s the fire?’

‘I can’t find my parents!’ Adrien shook his head and did a double take. ‘When did you get a neck tattoo?’

Luka’s hand slapped to cover the red and purple marks on his neck. ‘Ah, ahem. It’snotatattoo.’

Adrien tilted his head.

‘Did you check the _sala_?’

‘The what?’

Luka shook his head. ‘Sorry, did you check the sitting room or the playroom?’

‘You think they might be there?’

‘You’ve been banging loud enough to wake the dead.’

A shrill giggle came from the linen closet.

The penny dropped. Adrien’s fear turned to understanding. ‘Is that—?’

Kagami stuck her head out of the closet and planted a bare arm on the wall, a coy look on her face. Everything but her arm, head, and one bare shoulder remained behind the wall. ‘A gentleman never exposes his conquests, Agreste.’

‘Speaking of exposing.’

Luka yanked a sheet around his waist. ‘Just shoo.’

‘I won’t tell,’ said Adrien, a knowing, Chat Noir smile sliding across his face. ‘But I thought you were more of a bed only type, Tsurugi.’

She smiled sweetly up at Luka and ran a finger down his sternum, thoroughly enjoying Luka’s strangled whine. ‘I’m feeling adventurous.’

Adrien’s ears turned red. He coughed. ‘Right. I’ll be off.’ He jogged back down the stairs, the panic struggling against the joy and awkwardness of knowing his friends were finally together— _in every sense of the word_.

Damn it.

He was sick in the hall toilet, the last of the King’s Cup finally leaving his system. He rinsed his mouth out and checked the sitting room.

Plenty of parents, but none were his.

They were in the playroom. Adrien’s heart felt like it dropped with relief when he saw Ciana and Béatrice curled up with Mr Waddles on the couch.

Nathalie sat next to them, her hand resting on Ciana’s back. The fingers of her other hand were twined with Gabriel’s. She saw Adrien and said, ‘What’s wrong?’

‘Everything’s fine now.’ Adrien took a deep breath and stepped in. He rubbed his left forearm. ‘I didn’t know where Ciana was and, well, I panicked. Raquel looked disappointed that M. Sancoeur wasn’t in his car when I ran into it.’

‘Allegedly,’ murmured Nathalie, her eyes staring off into the distance.

Gabriel gave his son a sharp look but continued to massage Nathalie’s fingers. ‘There will still be punishment.’

‘Gabriel.’

He kissed her fingers. ‘Not for ploughing into the car with the tractor.’ He stopped to chuckle. ‘An excellent pun. But driving while under the influence cannot be ignored.’

Nathalie took Gabriel by the chin and blinked slowly. ‘He was under the influence of his cousins and having a good time. I’m sure it won’t happen again.’

‘Not until my wedding day, that’s for sure!’

‘It’d better not be your wedding day! Save it for your bachelor party.’

Adrien gave her a mock salute. ‘Yes, ma’am. But if your father’s not in the car or with the Shrieking Harpy, where is he?’

Carmen stood with her arms crossed, a sharp look on her face. ‘Prepare the sacrifice.’

‘You mean “snackrifice”,’ said Nino, the firelight casting an evil look across his visage.

Alya groaned.

Richard Sancoeur sat in an old kitchen chair with his arms at his side, the rope tied expertly around his shoulders and hands. ‘Exactly how long are you planning on carrying this little game?’

‘Depends on how kind we’re feeling,’ said Santiago, taking a bite out of an apple in the most asshole of asshole eating an apple trope. ‘And based on all of the prime _chisme_ the family’s dropped over the years—’

‘—Combined with the briefest of internet searches,’ said Alya.

‘—I don’t think anyone’s feeling all too kind.’

‘You’ll never—’

‘Oh, please,’ drawled Felix in his most Lord of the Manor tone. ‘Don’t tell me you’re using the “you’ll never get away with this” line.’ His nose twitched. ‘It’s so very 1980s.’

Marinette stumbled into the barn and dropped the canvas bag on the table in the middle of Barn #8. ‘I can’t remember. Is it carving knife first or the butcher’s knife?’

‘How do you not know this?’ said Santiago.

‘I grew up in a _boulangerie_ , not a _charcuterie_.’[2] She held up the knives. ‘I have completely forgotten which is which.’

‘When were you learning about slaughter techniques?’ said Nino.

Alya flipped her hair. ‘Oh, you know. Just the things girls talk about at slumber parties.’

‘Hashtag: just girly things,’ said Chloe.

‘My dear, my dears,’ said Felix. ‘Whatever _would_ Ladybug say?’

Marinette shot him an annoyed look. ‘Probably something along the lines of “you’re much less of an ass when you’re not sobre”.’

‘Boom. Roasted,’ said Nino drily. He frowned slightly. ‘I hope Adrien likes his birthday present.’

‘What, giving the entire family lasting peace concerning this little nuisance?’ Carmen hefted the meat tenderiser.

Chloe smiled, exposing all her teeth. ‘As his oldest friend, trust me when I say he’ll like it,’ she tapped Sancoeur on the nose, ‘just,’ she tapped again, ‘fine. After all, this is a night for “accidents”.’

[1] ‘Look. We have guests.’

[2] Yes, Marinette did call Richard a pig by using ‘charceuterie’ rather than ‘boucherie’.


End file.
